******************NOT FOR THE YOUNGER READER. ALSO, IF THERE IS A FACT MENTIONED THAT YOU WOULD LIKE A SOURCE FOR, PLEASE MESSAGE ME. I COULD NOT JUSTIFY LINKING TO SOME OF THE RESEARCH DUE TO ITS GRAPHIC CONTENT. MOST OF THE INFORMATION HERE SHOULD BE EASILY VERIFIABLE, BUT IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE LET ME KNOW***************************
I've been inspired to write this blog for awhile, but really, really had to pray to guard my own mind and heart on the research that I knew I would need to do on this article to satisfy my (new) readers! I already had plenty of anecdotal experiences - especially through my national ministry- of the wounds that extreme sexual behavior causes enough to where I could make a few generalizations about the BDSM community, but I needed to go further.
****This is a very delicate subject for some, so please close this out with a quick prayer if you are not able to handle triggers of abuse, rape, violence, etc. I will keep you in my prayers as well. ****
A few important notes to consider: I always write from a spiritual perspective. I write my views from the Catholic standpoint and position regarding the dignity of the human person, our call to love God, and our call to love others. I write from the standpoint that while you or I may vehemently disagree on a point, we can still love one another and find common ground in mutual respect, for the mere fact that we possess dignity and are wonderfully made in the image and likeness of God.
All of that said... Let's get down to business.
Ephesians 5:21-30: Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the Church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed Himself over for her, to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So also should husbands love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the Church, because we are members of His body.
You all know the verse. It often makes people's arm hair bristle. But I would like to kindly suggest that this verse doesn't mean at all what you have previously been led to believe by those seeking to advance their own agendas whether they be toward the liberal or conservative spectrum of things.
The very first line calls us to "be subordinate to each other". Meaning, mutual respect and giving. Paul doesn't stop there, though, he explains further: "Wives should be subordinate" and husbands should "love their wives as Christ loves the Church."
Women are called to give to and serve their husbands.
Men are called to give their lives up for their wives.
They each bear an important role and responsibility to lead their families and one another to Christ. My husband and I often joke about this verse -- he will tell me I need to obey. I will respond, well then you need to die for me! Each part of the verse refers to total gift of oneself, love, and serving one another.
Paul then goes on to tell men that they should love their wives as their own bodies. The two become one flesh. Each person gives themselves entirely to the other, receiving the gift of the other person entirely. This is what Paul is talking about - mutual giving, self-sacrifice, and leading each other to Heaven. This is a Trinitarian love. The Trinity is this eternal exchange of love - the Father pours Himself entirely out. The Son receives that gift and gives it back ("To You I Commend My Spirit") and that eternal exchange of love literally is another Person - the Holy Spirit. When a man gives himself to his wife and she receives that gift, giving herself back, that love can become another person, and possibly 9 months later you give that love a name! It is life-giving love whether or not a child is conceived. Total, Faithful, Free, Fruitful. Trinitarian love, the IMAGE AND LIKENESS OF GOD is literally stamped into our bodies and imaged in the family, in that marital love and embrace. This is a glimpse of "Theology of the Body" by St. Pope John Paul II. Read it!
I bring up this verse simply to set the framework for what is going on in our society today. That the word "submission" is no longer "to give", but to allow various behaviors to be done to you for sexual pleasure.
Enter: 50 Shades of Grey and BDSM.
(I am not going to define BDSM. If you don't know what it means, you're better off not knowing.)
Now, I don't care about the book or the movie. I read excerpts of the book and the writing was so horrendous that I never thought it would turn into the blockbuster it is rapidly becoming.
THAT is what concerns me.
What upsets me is not the erotic language of the book, nor the pornographic nature of the movie, but the normalization of BDSM, and the celebration of a relationship (regardless of BDSM) that is horribly dysfunctional and abusive.
This is NOT normal.
BDSM is NOT normal behavior. People will argue that if it is consensual, it is legitimate. But did you know that, at least right now, consent is not an adequate legal defense? Even if the bodily harm was not serious, consent is extremely difficult to prove.
So how did we get here?
Pornography is the springboard, so to speak, for this behavior. Over 88% of pornography contains physical and verbal abuse of women. The women in the films didn't fight the abuse, they just accepted it. I know women watch porn as well, but in general the vast majority is male on female violence. Even while filming "50 Shades", the actress who plays the character Anastasia actually received whiplash from being thrown so many times during one scene. This is not okay.
Even advocates of BDSM who do workshops in favor of this activity talk about the tendency of BDSM to become over the top violent, the tendency of women to be afraid to say when they are uncomfortable, and the tendency of men to ignore when a woman does state her objections. One advocate wrote an essay entitled, "I Never Called it Rape", talking about how she has been assaulted numerous times within the BDSM community and that the community tended to shame the victims and protect the abusers.
Sexual arousal is good and natural. It's when it becomes the driving force over love in one's interaction with the opposite sex that it becomes a problem. People can be sexually aroused over many things, but those things aren't always good for you. Pornography literally changes the brain. (There are many sites to support this, but www.fightthenewdrug.org is an easy, comprehensive, safe site to navigate.) Deliberately hurting and humiliating another person for the sake of mutual sexual arousal is never okay. It is never respectful. It is never loving. It is self-serving and it is the next fix in a line of pornographic addictions and inability to become aroused without the extreme stimuli. Even if one person "wanted it", I would pray that the other party would have the courage and love to say, "I will not hurt you. I will not abuse your body. I will not call you vulgar names even in role play. I will not subject you to humiliation I will treat you with the utmost respect and tenderness because I love you." The problem is once this Pandora's box of porn and BDSM has been opened, people find it hard to become aroused without the external stimuli. 56% of men have said that their porn tastes have become more extreme. Even the Huffington Post did an article telling men if they want to be off Viagra, they need to give up porn! Like a drug addict, a porn addict (whether male OR female) needs more and more stimulation to retain the high.
Unfortunately, the studies on BDSM that I could find (whether in favor or against) were extremely limited and poorly conducted -- there is more scientific research on pornography and violence at this point, though I'm sure the research will be out soon on the effects of BDSM on perception of the opposite sex, one's own self awareness, and the ability to bond in love and intimacy without toys or tools. One of the studies I read, in favor of BDSM, actually talked about the post-scene. The research described that the couple "cuddled" after the verbal and physical violence in order to reconnect.
Reconnect?
Sex is supposed to be the ultimate connection and expression of love. In that study, the researcher proves a point - in BDSM we are in a sense removing many of those connections that make sex intimate and instead reduce it to pure erotica, purely carnal. One article I read said, "So, if you're interested in BDSM, you need to decide if you want to do the humiliating or receive the humiliation. You need to decide if you want to abuse, or to be abused."
WHAT.
In other articles, many couples spoke favorably about their communication during their time of BDSM. That sounds positive, right? And actually, the book Holy Sex! by Dr. Gregory Popcak agrees that communication is essential in having a good, holy, intimate, amazing sex life. The problem is, the modeling of good communication in BDSM falls along the lines of, "This is how I am going to hurt you and talk to you, is that okay?" And when it crosses the line, "Stop." Some of the examples of "limits" that people may make that I read on one instructional website (on the same page where it states BDSM is NOT violent!!) included, "No permanent damage" and "no drawing blood."
If it's simply arousal and climax that sex is about, then I suppose we could say a lot of things fall under that.
But if sex is an expression of love, these things are positively unacceptable and, frankly, utterly repulsive.
The modeling of good communication in Holy Sex is very different. It's, "How can I show you that I love you? I like it when you do this or that." And other sex/LOVE positive language.
Another pro that BDSM advocates say is that BDSM is all about trust. This is super bizarre to me, because you are "trusting" that your partner is going to hurt or humiliate you in the way that they have stated they would do so. If I was robbed at gunpoint, and the robber said, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot you!" I would certainly trust that if I don't give him all my money, they would shoot me. So, I guess you could say that yes, trust does exist in BDSM relationships (the ones where the limits aren't overstepped, anyway).
In Holy Sex trust is about trusting in your spouse's faithfulness to the relationship. It is in trusting your spouse to keep sacred your vulnerability, your strengths and weaknesses as a whole person, and that what you do is an expression of love. It is in trusting that you will not be an object of lust to your spouse, but that your spouse will love you "as he loves his own body... to nurture and cherish it." It is in trusting that you are enough for him/her and that they don't need to seek the images of another person to satisfy sexual urges, but rather their sexual desire is fulfilled in love and expression of love for you.
If you (are married and) want a great sex life, read Dr. Gregory Popcak's book. He actually also explains the effect of pornography physically on a man, and how to overcome some of those obstacles in the marital relationship for the best experience of sexual intimacy. He explains how a woman may need a man to be more gentle at different times for her own physical comfort. He explains how man and woman can both mutually express their love in enjoyable ways. He also runs a phone counseling service, if you are in a marriage that needs help.
We're not taking the fun out of sex. We're saying no to abuse and degradation. We're saying no to normalizing humiliation and violent behavior. We're saying no to 50 Shades of celebrating an abusive relationship.
I firmly reject the notion that someone who loves me would desire to hurt and humiliate me for sexual pleasure. I will not worship sexual arousal over mutual respect and love and I will not seek that arousal at the expense of hurting or humiliating my husband.
Back to the Scripture verse... In submission, in the Christian sense... we don't submit to whatever behavior someone wants to inflict upon us. We give willingly for the benefit of our love and relationship, leading one another to Christ. The suffering and humiliation Christ endured for us was not self-serving. It was endured for our sake, that we could receive the ultimate and complete gift of Himself, literally poured out on the cross. It was the ultimate giving and expression of love.
That's the kind of love and relationship that lifts up. In the mutual gift of self, that's the relationship I am blessed to have. That my husband loves me in a way that lifts me up, respects my dignity, and gives freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully -- not in the sense that we have a bunch of kids (only 3 + 1 on the way) - but that our love bears fruit and good things in the world.
Thank you for reading with an open heart. If you want to debate me, I really won't be changing my perspective, but I'd be open to reading any "counter" blog. Due to the graphic nature of the subject, and my need to handle it sensitively due to my younger ministry following, all correspondence regarding this blog must be privately messaged or emailed to me. Thank you and God bless. May your relationships be total, faithful, fruitful, and free. Amen.
