My Only Duggar Post Ever.

I do not really follow the Duggars. I have seen a few episodes, but having grown up for a period of time in the long skirt wearing, ultra conservative homeschool community, I am familiar enough with the mentalities prevalent in some of these groups that it simultaneously can make me smile and make me cringe. My experience was not nearly so repressive and strict as the communities that the Duggars and others may belong to, but I think it is important to share a few brief points. And just a slight edit - long skirts are great - I merely use the phrase as a generic reference to something commonly associated with these communities. I still have long skirts. ;)

1) At 14, a young person who has not been exposed to computer programs, television, or much of the outside world is MUCH more innocent than the typical 14 year old these days who has had exposure to these things for many years. The Duggars rarely watched tv or used the computer without hefty supervision.

2) In many of these groups sex is seen as beautiful until someone has it outside of marriage, then that person can be (I don't know that this was the case here) judged and shunned and made to feel dirty and ashamed. I am a firm believer that sex is to be reserved for the person you are married to, which is a whole other post, but there can be a lot of guilt and shame associated with sex, rather than the anticipated wait of the hope to be and receive total gift to/of someone else. That two flesh become one, that representation of triune God, that Total, Fruitful, Faithful, Free gift that cannot be reproduced outside of marriage. It is a different perspective from some mega conservatives and from liberal society that Pope John Paul II elaborated on in Theology of the Body -- that our bodies are neither bad nor good, they are holy! They are sacred. Society rejects this leaving us to deal with the consequences of our actions, but also through guilt and shame, religious groups can reject it also.

3) Sex isn't often talked about. We don't need the manuals being passed out in public schools with the variety of activities one could engage in, but we do need an open dialogue guided by the theology of sex, that God made it good. God made you good. And the consequences of abusing it and our own sexuality are very real. We were made for love!

4) Just because someone is famous or celebrity does not entitle one to every skeleton in the closet.


A few things have very much bothered me about the coverage and the response of even well-intentioned people to this latest Duggar burning at the stake scenario.

It is very clear and apparent to me that there is a sick rejoicing when a follower of Christ falls. It is the same sick rejoicing we have when a female celebrity puts on a few pounds. Or a talented athlete fails in marriage or sport. It is a sickness in our own hearts that we must recognize... do you rejoice and love it and shove it in that person`s face when you finally catch a glimpse of their imperfection? Or do you acknowledge your own failings in the process of coming to grips with those of someone else?

There is also a *pick and choose* mentality of what information we will spread and believe to firm up what we believe to be true. I have heard every extreme -- from people saying Josh Duggar is a rapist to his parents covered everything up to he did nothing wrong. None of which, based on actual evidence, holds up to be true. Nothing will excuse his behavior, but nothing will excuse ours either for publicly crucifying a family who worked hard to report, heal, make amends, and rehabilitate. We should be happy that at least so far, it does seem that Josh was a curious 14 year old who crossed the line, expressed remorse, admitted his mistake, and was willing to pay the consequences. And that the family stayed vigilant. But we cannot let it go.... because it is much more fun in that darkness of our hearts to play it up and drag him out to be stoned in the coliseum of public opinion -- not just him, but the girls involved as well.

A brief glance through our own family history should reveal to us a few things...

1) No one is perfect and EVERY family has a secret or two that they would prefer not see the public eye. It doesn't mean anyone is covering up their past or the mistake of a relative, but it does mean that not everyone is entitled to that information. I remember the scandal where a photographer captured a sunbathing, topless Kate Middleton. I thought to myself, How DARE you?!! How DARE you take and pass around that picture. Just because you have that information does not give you the right to share it. People justified it saying... Well, she should not have been sunbathing topless and she should know that she is a celebrity now ---  Not considering the photographer violated her privacy. Whoever leaked this Duggar report to the press did not care about the welfare of the Duggar family... they were looking for money, fame, and to cause scandal. Where is your dignity people... where is your love and self respect?

2) A good parent is incapable of loving a child any less than another. When Josh told his parents what he had done, can you imagine the pain they felt? The pain they felt at having to send him away for a time? The pain at having their children interviewed by police? The pain they felt wondering if their other children would be okay and if Josh would be able to turn things around? It is like people expect that the parents should have sent him off to prison right away. They told the police. They looked at rehabilitation programs which were reported to not be very effective and ultimately decided on a counselor and removal from the house situation. I know in my experience in youth ministry that many programs are NOT very effective. Being around other, influential, and worse offenders is not necessarily the best environment for rehabilitation, particularly when one is trying hard to keep God at the center of that healing process. I truly believe based on the Duggar account, police report, etc, that they did what they thought they needed to do for all of their children. You don't kill the child that is bleeding, you work to help heal that child if you can, and then bring in professionals who can help if you are incapable and the bleeding continues.

3) As far as we know, and this could change, and Josh could change, there is no reason to believe that he hasn't been rehabilitated. He was honest with his wife, before they married. He made amends to those he hurt. What more do you want from this family? If it is indeed true that he has been rehabilitated and not offended again, could we rejoice with them? Because I know many juveniles who do not get rehabilitated who turn into molesters and rapists and pedophiles as adults. Or is it because a family failure has been discovered, we will attack and destroy?  I saw someone raging, literally raging, on the news about Josh preaching that men who identify as women should not use the restroom for women because it could be a danger to women/girls and how he was such a hypocrite. Do you not understand that sometimes our own experiences shape how we form beliefs and opinions? That maybe in his own failures he realized that women do need to be protected from a man who would seek to take advantage of them or even hurt them and violate their space?

Someone else told me that I would feel differently if anything like this ever happened to anyone I know or in my family.

I told them it is dangerous and ignorant to assume that it hasn't.

I think this situation doesn't call us to choose a side -- Duggar or not Duggar. This situation calls us to be human. Which I sure believe we have lost the ability to see the dignity of another these days. The name calling... just add *phobe* to any word and you are then marked with a scarlet letter by which a defense of perspective is pointless. Absolute hate... its smell is so vile particularly on social media that sometimes I just want to run away and live in the woods somewhere.

We should be greatly afraid of our own hatred and darkness in our hearts. If we cannot help but laugh when another falls down, this is not their flaw - it is ours. If we can't wait to report the latest news of someone in pain simply for the lust of information and desire to ride that high and mighty horse, that is our own flaw. And we will soon fall down. And we will cry out to someone for help, but no one will help, they will walk over us and publish our shame for all to see, just as we did.

Please be on guard that you reject the notion that any one of us is perfect and that if we are trying to be holy it is indeed that we are trying. We don't need a Savior because we are perfect. Catholics even go to Confession to admit all of our shortcomings to the Lord in the humility of the Sacrament of Reconciliation! We need a Savior because we need saving.

Jesus fell three times and His journey still led Him to the cross. The Christians I know don't claim to be perfect and many, including myself, publicly share their own struggles to follow Him. Ultimately we know that this means taking up our cross, enduring the mocking, and the dying with Christ. But we trust and we pray because the cross was not the end.

I pray that whether Christian or far from it, we can work on the hardness of our hearts and instead of blasting the secrets and pain of another through social media -- whether friend, foe, celebrity, politician etc,  we could extend a loving and healing hand.

God bless you guys and you are always in my prayers.