I had just reconnected with some old friends and while sitting in Adoration one day, began to reflect on the different paths we have all taken growing up. Some of us work for the Church and some of us want nothing at all to do with the Church some of us are married and some of us are single, some have kids, some do not, some have traveled the world, and some have stayed in the town they grew up in. I thought about why it was that I have chosen the path I have chosen when I could have made so many different choices and I realized...
My path isn't much different from anyone else's, really, when it comes to those who have left the faith and those who have not. The only difference between me and a friend who left their faith behind is that I decided to turn around and come back.
I have made some bad choices. I was a pretty big hypocrite at different points in my life. I hurt others and they hurt me and I remember wondering why should I love God in the midst of all the suffering? Why should I follow Him when it seemed so much easier to walk away or stay complacent?
But there would always be something.
SOMETHING that would draw me back.
A song on the radio... a comment from a friend or family member... an experience... a gentle reminder of my faith... maybe the prayers of someone who loved me.
And I would always remember that the one thing I knew for certain, though I didn't know how or why is....
God loves me.
He loves me.
And that's enough.
It is so easy for an innocent child to believe in God. They believe in hope, they believe in love, they offer mercy to the bully on the playground, they trust freely. Until when?
Until someone breaks that trust. Until someone takes their innocence. Until they make choices and lose their innocence. It happens to all of us at one point or another.
World-crushing pain, suffering, or sin.
That's when I think we become jaded. We mistrust God. We doubt Him. We start by doubting His love for us. Then we doubt His plan for us. Then we doubt His existence. Yet, His love is so great that He allows us to go through this process. He allows us to reject Him. He is with us even as we walk away.
He is waiting. Waiting.
The chorus of the song is this:
"You waited for me, You waited for me to look up and see You waiting on me,
Waiting on me to say 'Here I am'".
One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn -- one of the biggest conversions in my heart and one of the most beautiful, powerful, moving realizations is written in the bridge of this song... "You say to me I am not my sin, I am not defined by mistakes. You restored my heart by grace. I am forgiven. I am forgiven...
I am forgiven."
Sometimes it is our sin and mistakes that keep us away from God. We put a veil of false humility and "unworthiness" over our heads. Or we divide ourselves from union with Him out of our own arrogance that we know better. Though deep down, I wonder if in those moments we even trust ourselves in the midst of not trusting Him. Do we not realize, He died for all of our sins? Do we not realize that in claiming unworthiness we in effect exclude ourselves from being open to receiving His mercy and grace?! Why not take advantage of His grace, love, hope, peace, mercy and put our own selfishness aside for a moment.
He never, EVER, says we aren't good enough to run to Him!! Read the lives of the saints. Some of the greatest saints were the greatest sinners and I think that is because they lived lives with PASSION! When you give everything over to sin, then have an encounter with God, you already know what it is to give everything and you know, now, how to give everything to God. Not because He asks for it, but because you WANT to because you love Him, too.
It's just an act of the will to actually do it. To give Him everything, knowing He loves you and has given you everything.
That is what I aspire to.
And every time I fall or decide to walk away, He is still there. Every time I doubt, He is still there.
Waiting.
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