I Don't Want to be a Good Wife until You be a Good Husband!

I realized something life changing today... earth shattering.....

I don't actually want to be a good wife sometimes.

Seriously!

Sometimes I read meditative essays or books about being a holy woman and I'm like... That is sooo great.

I will never achieve that, so just give me wine and chocolate please -- in no particular order. 

More often than not, my days are spent running after everyone and cleaning up after them and then trying to make a schedule and then failing and then trying to feed everyone healthy food and then giving up and having popcorn and bananas for dinner in the same clothes I wore the day before. My days are about making rules which get broken within five minutes of making them and intentions to pray which end up turning into "LORD! HELP ME! I am so cranky right now!" They are about consequences that make total sense -- go stand in time-out for five minutes to.. mom has gone off the deep-end consequences where they are grounded for life and never allowed to have any fun ever ever ever.

Okay, so it isn't like this all the time. It's not a bad life, it's an amazing life.

We just have some "figuring out our life's chaos because we didn't get an instruction manual" moments of despair.

My husband, this morning, neglected to empty the dishwasher while I was at the store, and my level of anger was almost such as it would be if, say, he told me he needed a break and was going to Hawaii solo for three weeks.

The dishwasher.

I cried as I put the dishes away which literally took me five minutes, and did my whole mental speech of "I do everything around here and no one appreciates me and no one cares and everyone hates clean houses and happy mothers clearly because if they loved me they would help even without asking" etc etc.

Then I decided I would never help anyone with anything again and everyone was grounded for a month and I would give David the silent treatment until I was no longer angry which would probably mean silence for life because I couldn't see myself getting over it anytime soon.

This, my friends, is....

an overreaction.

But can you relate? Please say it isn't just me...!

In prayer today, once I finally had some time alone, I decided to honestly look at my role as a wife. I'm a pretty decent mom and I have certainly grown in the homemaking department, but in the wife department, it can be hit or miss.

When I am stressed, I want him to take care of me. I have no desire to take care of his emotional needs -- I just sit cranky, waiting for him to serve mine.

And in those moments, I realize my desire to be a good wife is contingent upon one thing:

Him meeting MY expectations and emotional needs.

I realize that in those moments of stress, I become very self-centered and actually, dare I say, harder to love, because I am not seeking to give, not seeking mutual affection, but rather seeking him to absorb my frustrations and stress and surprise me by cleaning the whole house and cooking and taking care of the kids!

Well, not cooking the kids...

I realize that in the same way that I need him to be there for me, he needs me to be there for him and neither of us can put a contingency upon that gift of love and service.

I heard an awesome homily once that said marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. But sometimes one person is only capable of 75 and the other person needs to give that extra 25 on top of the 100 percent. In marriage, we are called to give to one another totally, faithfully, fruitfully, and freely... we can't hold out even if we feel like the other person isn't giving us that 100! Otherwise, we both only put in a meager amount and keep the rest to ourselves. The more we end up keeping to ourselves, the less we give...

and the less we give....

the less we forgive...

and the less we love.

So, I do want to be a good wife, but above all, I want to be a holy wife who loves the Lord and asks for His help to love and forgive and have patience with my husband. I pray the Lord will give me the desire to have a sacrificial love for David that continues to give without contingencies and loves him for who he is and not for who he is not. I pray that our love for one another will truly be transformative -- not changing us into good housekeepers or cooks or whatever, but changing us into true servants of the Lord and each other.

Out of that selflessness, I believe.. is the path to sanctity. :)

God bless! And... pray for me:)