I Don't Want to be a Good Wife until You be a Good Husband!

I realized something life changing today... earth shattering.....

I don't actually want to be a good wife sometimes.

Seriously!

Sometimes I read meditative essays or books about being a holy woman and I'm like... That is sooo great.

I will never achieve that, so just give me wine and chocolate please -- in no particular order. 

More often than not, my days are spent running after everyone and cleaning up after them and then trying to make a schedule and then failing and then trying to feed everyone healthy food and then giving up and having popcorn and bananas for dinner in the same clothes I wore the day before. My days are about making rules which get broken within five minutes of making them and intentions to pray which end up turning into "LORD! HELP ME! I am so cranky right now!" They are about consequences that make total sense -- go stand in time-out for five minutes to.. mom has gone off the deep-end consequences where they are grounded for life and never allowed to have any fun ever ever ever.

Okay, so it isn't like this all the time. It's not a bad life, it's an amazing life.

We just have some "figuring out our life's chaos because we didn't get an instruction manual" moments of despair.

My husband, this morning, neglected to empty the dishwasher while I was at the store, and my level of anger was almost such as it would be if, say, he told me he needed a break and was going to Hawaii solo for three weeks.

The dishwasher.

I cried as I put the dishes away which literally took me five minutes, and did my whole mental speech of "I do everything around here and no one appreciates me and no one cares and everyone hates clean houses and happy mothers clearly because if they loved me they would help even without asking" etc etc.

Then I decided I would never help anyone with anything again and everyone was grounded for a month and I would give David the silent treatment until I was no longer angry which would probably mean silence for life because I couldn't see myself getting over it anytime soon.

This, my friends, is....

an overreaction.

But can you relate? Please say it isn't just me...!

In prayer today, once I finally had some time alone, I decided to honestly look at my role as a wife. I'm a pretty decent mom and I have certainly grown in the homemaking department, but in the wife department, it can be hit or miss.

When I am stressed, I want him to take care of me. I have no desire to take care of his emotional needs -- I just sit cranky, waiting for him to serve mine.

And in those moments, I realize my desire to be a good wife is contingent upon one thing:

Him meeting MY expectations and emotional needs.

I realize that in those moments of stress, I become very self-centered and actually, dare I say, harder to love, because I am not seeking to give, not seeking mutual affection, but rather seeking him to absorb my frustrations and stress and surprise me by cleaning the whole house and cooking and taking care of the kids!

Well, not cooking the kids...

I realize that in the same way that I need him to be there for me, he needs me to be there for him and neither of us can put a contingency upon that gift of love and service.

I heard an awesome homily once that said marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. But sometimes one person is only capable of 75 and the other person needs to give that extra 25 on top of the 100 percent. In marriage, we are called to give to one another totally, faithfully, fruitfully, and freely... we can't hold out even if we feel like the other person isn't giving us that 100! Otherwise, we both only put in a meager amount and keep the rest to ourselves. The more we end up keeping to ourselves, the less we give...

and the less we give....

the less we forgive...

and the less we love.

So, I do want to be a good wife, but above all, I want to be a holy wife who loves the Lord and asks for His help to love and forgive and have patience with my husband. I pray the Lord will give me the desire to have a sacrificial love for David that continues to give without contingencies and loves him for who he is and not for who he is not. I pray that our love for one another will truly be transformative -- not changing us into good housekeepers or cooks or whatever, but changing us into true servants of the Lord and each other.

Out of that selflessness, I believe.. is the path to sanctity. :)

God bless! And... pray for me:)

I Should Have Said Something

While I do not enjoy confrontation, I do prefer to speak my mind if something is on my heart.

This has been an evolution for me, really, because in my family, we try very hard to be careful not to hurt someone's feelings, but what often ends up happening is that someone will get upset and then tell everyone (except the perceived transgressor) and then stew about it and hold a grudge. It is just what we do and maybe that is because I grew up in a family of mostly girls- drama! Emotions! The plus side is, we are very sensitive to the ramifications of our actions and rather careful in choosing when to make a big deal out of something. Unless we run out of chocolate.

My husband's family is quite different. When they have a problem with one another, they get it all out in the open right away and everyone moves on. When I first met David, I thought he and his parents had a strained relationship, because they were so very frank with each other. I asked David about it and he said, "What? We aren't fighting. This is just how we solve the problems!"

I had a lot of respect for that approach, so I have tried to grow (painfully slow) in dealing with hurts right away instead of stewing about them and then once the issue is solved I work toward moving on. Still, I maintain my own history of really, really trying to discern whether or not it is worth making a big deal.

There are three times, however, that have stuck with me, where I would give anything to go back and have the courage or opportunity to SAY something.

1) When I was in 8th grade, I needed service hours for Confirmation. I chose to volunteer at the Jewish Community Center in Memphis at their camp for special needs kids and young adults. I was assigned to a nonverbal autistic girl, but there were many special needs represented from kids with cerebral palsy to more severe forms of autism. There was a girl, 18, who, for whatever reason, the employees did not seem to like. I can imagine it was hard for them to work with her in many ways. They had to change her clothes frequently and she had to wear an adult diaper. She wore a bib for drooling. But she was so sweet. She always said hi to everyone and while she could occasionally be argumentative or stubborn when asked to do something, I thought she was a sweetheart.

One day, the employees were arguing over who had to change this girl's diaper. They yelled at her to go to the changing room and they changed her pretty quickly, but not without a lot of yelling. To be clear, I never saw any signs of physical abuse whatsoever. Just a lot, a LOT, of yelling and frustration. When the girl's mom came to pick her up that day, the mom asked how her daughter did at camp. One of the employees who had been yelling earlier said, "She was terrible. She would not do anything we said and I do not know if we are going to be able to let her come if she continues this behavior." I remember looking at the mom and seeing her heartbroken expression as she took her daughter's hand and led her out of the building. I wanted to grab the mom and say, "Please, don't worry! Your daughter was very good! Some employees were just impatient, but she was good!!!"

But I didn't. I said to myself... you don't want to undermine the employees. Don't worry about it. You are just a kid volunteer.


2) When I was in college, I was student teaching in inner city Memphis. It was a TOUGH assignment, but I totally got control over that classroom by the end of my time there. My first week was spent not teaching at all - just breaking up fights. I read every inner city teacher memoir I could find those nights and started an affirmation board where I spent my lunch handwriting every kid a note every day, telling them something I appreciated or noticed about their actions that day. They loved them and then wanted to do well! It was amazing.

I had to speak with parents at parent teacher conferences and out of my 20 plus students, only one mom AND dad came. Only two other moms came besides that set of parents. This mom and dad loved their little girl and were clearly highly invested in her education. She outperformed all the other kids, was respectful, and was one of the few who showed up in clean clothes every day. My cooperating teacher, for some reason, did not seem to like this particular girl. She told her parents that this little girl was not paying attention in class, was causing fights with other kids, and being sassy. At first, I was so confused -- are we talking about the same girl?! Yes, she was. The parents looked a little stunned, too, and said they would definitely talk to their daughter. As they left, I wanted to go up to them and say that my cooperating teacher was mistaken -- their daughter was doing great, but would probably benefit with a different teacher or school.

But I didn't. I told myself that it was not my place.

3) Last year, David, the kids, and I were at a Target in Wichita. After shopping, David took two kids to the car and I took two kids to the family restroom. As I was coming out, I saw a man wearing sunglasses (odd, given we were inside) and a woman who very much looked like she stepped out of an adult film - gobs of makeup and platinum blonde hair and clothes that left very little to the imagination-- standing outside of the restroom. I put the kids in the cart and the couple stood there watching me. I felt uneasy and started to walk away, but then looked back and saw both of them go into the family restroom and shut the door.

I wanted to knock on the door and make sure the woman was okay.

But I didn't. I told myself, they are two adults and maybe they are in a relationship or maybe it wouldn't be safe for her or me to interrupt.


In each of these three cases, I neglected to say something where the purpose would have been GOOD. It would have been LOVING. It would have been out of CONCERN. It would have ACKNOWLEDGED THE DIGNITY of someone whose dignity was not respected.

Why is it that we are courageous in saying things out of anger or self-righteousness, but when it comes to saying something out of love, we are silent? Why is it we can point out what someone is doing wrong, but when it comes to verbally recognizing their gifts or defending someone being persecuted or bullied, we feel it is not our place?

In our silence, we allow hate to speak. To isolate. To destroy.

Our loving words and our loving courage could begin the healing that so many of us need who are isolated, or being condemned, or believing the lies that other people tell about us, or feel our dignity is directly tied to what others say/think.

Don't miss the opportunity to care or to tell someone they are good.

Be courageous.

"I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
I wish I would have said something.

An Open Letter to the LGBTQ Community

Dear LGBTQ Community,

I would like to extend my sincerest condolences to you and your loved ones as you grieve the loss of loved ones and family and friends from the terror attack at Pulse in Orlando. I have heard it said love is love is love, but I would take it one step further. Life is life is life and all life is sacred. Love begets life.

I would also like to apologize if I or any of my fellow Catholic brothers and sisters may have made you feel like your life had less worth or dignity for any reason whatsoever. Your life, as all life, is sacred.

We have been at odds for many things and I don't see a need to rehash any of the ways we have disagreed with one another and how we choose to live our lives or run our businesses or practice our religions etc, etc. What I hope we can do is find common ground and combat hate. 

This is our mutual and strongest enemy.

You see, you were murdered in Orlando. But you and I also have brothers and sisters murdered in Nigeria for how we live and practice our faith. You and I have brothers and sisters who are murdered in Afghanistan. You and I have brothers and sisters who are murdered in Syria. You and I have brothers and sisters who live in constant fear. Our Catholic brothers and sisters are shot in the head, burned alive, raped, homes burned to the ground, sold into sex slavery, beheaded with their heads put on stakes, drowned, hacked to death by machetes, starved, children mutilated, publicly humiliated, modest religious sisters and priests paraded through the streets naked and tortured, etc. Muslim sympathizers have the same fate. Your brothers and sisters in the LGBT Community are thrown off buildings, gang raped, and murdered just as we are.

I hope that what can come from this horrific and terrible tragedy in Orlando is unity.

My faith didn't cause the mass murder in Orlando or the 25 men murdered for being gay in Syria just as your community didn't cause the murders of 300 children, women, and elderly in Syria.

What has caused these murders is hatred. Even Muslim sympathizers are annihilated by hate. Hate knows no religion, sex, race. Hatred does not discriminate. Hatred kills from the inside until it has to kill on the outside.  There are bad people, period, but any organized effort to kill in the name of hate must be stood up to and stopped. This persecution is not an American problem  - it is a global one and it has gone on for centuries. We just choose to ignore it until it hits home.

Hatred comes from choosing not to love someone. Hatred comes from choosing not to forgive someone. NO ONE is immune to hatred. This is the hardest teaching in Christianity... when the Lord says that it is easy to love our friends as even hypocrites can do that, but He instructs us to love our enemies.  Even if you do not believe in Christianity or God, even as a fellow human being, you can easily see the benefit and great difficulty of trying to love not only our neighbor, but our enemy as well.

Please, do not reject my condolences. I offer them in love in the midst of a tragedy that does not just affect you, but all of humanity.  I understand what you are going through, as I have wept for my murdered brothers and sisters around the globe and seen even here, in shootings, people asked if they believe in God and then subsequently executed. I fear it could be me or my children one day, too, that are killed for our faith. I hope your condolences for our persecuted brethren around the world, even here, are also offered in love. There is no other option but to unite against this destructive hatred, whether it breeds in the heart of a Muslim man who has pledged allegiance to ISIS or Boko Haram, whether it breeds in the heart of a pastor who condemns and sanctions violence in the name of the Lord, or whether it breeds in the heart of a member of the LGBT community who seeks to eradicate society of Christianity. You see,

hate is hate is hate is hate.

And death is death is death is death.

But the most powerful enabler of all is silence.


Again, I grieve with you. I love you, and I pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding, as we continue to swim upstream against the hatred that would wash us both away.

You Have No Idea What Mothers Do

This post is not a Harambe post, but I do reference the situation due to my disgust reaching a breaking point with society feeling entitled to condemn mothers.

I don't use this word often because I'm afraid people won't be my friend, but I am seriously AGHAST at what I have seen from social media lambasting--no, destroying -- the mother of the child at the center of the Harambe controversy.

It's clear you who are so quick to judge and condemn and call for the head of this mother that you have no idea what mothers do. And what about the father? No one calls for his head.

So, I am tired of it and here to set a few things straight. First of all, there *is* a war on women but it's not what you think. The war is on wives and mothers. No other woman faces the abuse that we do. You are damned  if you do and damned if you don't.

If you work, you don't love your children. If you stay home, you're lazy and uneducated. If you send your kids to private school you're a snob. If you send your kids to public school you're a heathen. If you homeschool your kids you're a sheltered religious nut. If you let your kids play outside alone, you are negligent. If you actively monitor your kids' play, you are a helicopter parent.

This has to stop. 

You, whose children would *never* get away from them: Do you have your kids in the right car seat, rear-facing until 13? Are your children straight A students? Did you breastfeed until 5? Are you checking your food labels for Red Dye number 765? Do your kids have screen time less than five minutes a day?

If yes, move along. You are the perfect parent.

Do you know what it is like to lend your body to another human being out of love that grows deeper with every sleepless night, with each stretch mark, and pound gained? Do you know the guilt we feel when the doctor tells us something may not be quite right with the pregnancy or when your baby is rushed out of the delivery room for extra care? Do you know the pain and guilt mothers feel who have lost a child?  Do you know the fears we feel when our kids misbehave, that maybe we are doing something wrong and failing as a parent? Do you know the nights we stay awake praying when one of the kids is sick? Do you know the pressure to have a magazine picture perfect body, house, and marriage? Do you know the constant, constant anxiety we have making sure we give our children the freedom to grow but the boundaries necessary to guide them into decent human beings?

I don't know this mom. She could be a great mom or a terrible one. I don't know.

But neither do you.

If my entire motherhood was based on the one moment in time that something happened out of my immediate control, well, that thought is depressing and I may as well quit now.

Moms are the cooks, the maids, the teachers, the caretakers, the nurses, the police officers, the breadwinners, the nurturers, the chauffeurs, the entertainers, the planners, the organizers, the spiritual advocates, the researchers, the accountants, the reference books, the shoppers, the repairmen, the yard workers, the garbage men. We multitask and work even in our sleep!!

You, criticizing from the comfort of your social media page, have much less on your agenda evidently.

We don't deserve your condemnation in our failure or mistake or oversight or inability to see into the future, we deserve your support. You just have no idea what we do and the fact of the matter is if you are a productive member of society, chances are pretty good that you had a decent mom or mother figure that, while imperfect, helped you navigate this world and shape your virtue.

This mother's child was mischievous, no doubt, but he maybe he just wanted to get closer to this beautiful gorilla. (Thank you, Disney, for teaching children all animals are cuddly and just want to be our friends.) That this mother is being harangued and threatened is astounding to me and clearly shows the lack of value we place on moms.

Moms train on the job. If you've never been responsible for another human being you have no idea how your role changes overnight and how intimidating it is without the parent police in your face with their holier than thou judgment and "advice". You simply cannot be prepared for every possible action of another human being, and that is terrifying and amazing at the same time. Things I never thought I would ever have to say or rules I never thought would have to be in place have come into play due to the fact that I just could not have predicted the unique personality and actions of each of my kids. It's humbling to remember...You don't listen to your Perfect Father 100% of the time either!

In this day and age when people blur the lines on what it is to be a woman, it is absolutely clear that to society women are nothing more than a pair of breasts and high heels. The mystery of woman is solved, they say! Women are being sterilized all over the world, mutilated, sold, harassed, humiliated and if we speak up, more harassment. If we make one misstep, our entire career as a mom is over, tried and hung in the court of public opinion -- A public opinion that has thrown due process and innocent until proven guilty out the window.

I've been astounded at the way men have spoken to me in what I thought was civilized discussion. I've been astounded at the way women have attacked one another, dragging each other through the streets by their words, not stopping until that person is destroyed and then, maniacally laughing about it! No joke ! This goes on in your high schools and middle schools even! If you knew the way boys spoke to your daughters with such disrespect and the absolute terror girls put each other through... you would just cry, as I have, many times coming home from a ministry even where teens have poured their hearts out and mothers cry too.

Enough is enough. Put your Facebook gavels away and buy some diapers for a young mom. Put your Facebook gavel away and buy a young family dinner. Put your Facebook gavel away and offer to help put the groceries in the car. Put your Facebook gavel away and make family friendly employment policies. Put your Facebook gavel away and give a mom a day off. Put your Facebook gavel away and tell her thank you. Thank you for your sacrifice, and thank you for doing the best you can.


You're doing a good job.

How the Church Could Revolutionize the Workplace

David and I have spent the last ten years or so working for the Catholic Church. We have been in some extremely pro-family work environments, and some pretty strict business type environments, but as our family has grown, we have spent a lot of time discerning how to put our vocation first and live out the ministry through our vocations.

We are extremely blessed to live and work in Dodge City and we have been blessed along the way in the many other places we have traveled/been employed -- THIS IS NOT A VENT POST ABOUT THOSE EXPERIENCES!!! This is an encouragement to all Church employers and personnel to re-think how we approach employment policies to make them as family friendly as possible, to set the bar for all industry to promote LIFE & FAMILY!

Something that is very important to us:

We don't ever want our kids to think they are competing between our attention for them and our attention to those we minister to in the Church. 

We want our family to be a place where vocations to the priesthood and religious life can grow. We know that the witness of families in the Church can promote vocations not only in our own family, but in others as well! We believe that a parish supportive of its own working families will be a place that grows vocations!!!!!

We have been blessed to work and minister at many parishes around the country full-time, part-time, and in itinerant ministry. Some of the thoughts I share in this blog are rooted in those experiences, but many of the points I make are rooted in the larger conversation about how to be a light for the rest of the world in not just saying we are *pro-family* but setting up environments that ARE, in fact, *pro-family.*

People who work for the Church by and large do so at great financial and lifestyle sacrifice. There are long hours, weekends, nights, early mornings, weeklong trips, and retreats. There is never a *turning off* of the ministry, which in some ways is the same as having vocation to ministry. You are a witness. It is crucial to represent the Church not just at the office, but the grocery store, the home, among parishioners, among friends, among family, etc. You are a resource. You are the example of faith in action.

The salary, benefits, and living wage debate are not part of this blog. I don't believe we need to put a number on what is *just*! I think with a lot of creativity, a lot of hard work, a lot of prayer, a firm budget, God`s provision, the generosity of others, stewardship, etc.,  that we can get by! We do have an obligation to provide for our families, and anyone working for the Church understands and must appreciate and acknowledge that it is a struggle! That debate is for another time, but it is really almost an impossible debate since everyone who works for the Church, both religious, ordained, and laity, depends entirely upon the stewardship of parishioners! We have an obligation to support, financially, those who do ministry just as the early church helped support the material needs of the Apostles. David and I do not just see ourselves as recipients of that stewardship, but we, as we call on other pastoral ministers, do our best to be generous in time, talent, and treasure towards the Church and those in need.

What IS part of this blog, however, are some ideas that are outside the box, outside of the traditional business mentality, that could set the bar for workplaces to be pro-family everywhere. As I was doing research for this blog, I found the following list of companies considered the best places to work for families. The Church did not make the list!

http://time.com/money/4098469/paid-parental-leave-google-amazon-apple-facebook/

Some of the policies include extended paid maternity leave, bringing kids to work, areas for nursing babies, onsite childcare, financial support for adoption, etc.

Why do you want families working for the Church? 

1. Promotes vocations
2. Ease of ability to minister to parishioners in all walks of life 
3. More bang for your buck! (The free stewardship of the spouse and family comes right along with the employed!)
4. Because GOD IS FAMILY! Triune, Son, Father, Spirit. 

I have seen parishes so rigidly conform to a secular business model that they have lost the ability to be pastoral. Without being pastoral, the Church is weak, doesn't attract new members-- much less vocations, and doesn't keep faithful, qualified workers in the vineyard. The reality is that no matter how committed we are to the Lord and working for the Church, and sacrificing for Him, when our Church home becomes just *the office* burnout not only in our ministry but in our faith occurs. When we cease to be shepherded and begin to be corralled, our light begins to dim. Sometimes I walk into parishes and encounter those walking wounded. It doesn't matter if they are ordained or married or single -- there is no person that burnout does not touch!



This is what I propose...

1) Coworkers Vs. Brothers and Sisters

“The world calls for and expects from us simplicity of life, the spirit of prayer, charity towards all, especially towards the lowly and the poor, obedience and humility. Without this mark of holiness, our word will have difficulty in touching the heart of modern man. It risks being vain and sterile.” -- Pope Paul VI  

I remember a retreat I attended with fellow parish and school staff led by Sr. Ann Shields. Someone asked her how we know when we have achieved good staff relationships. She said,

*WHEN YOU START TO SEE EACH OTHER AS FAMILY!!*  

This is one of the things we love about where my husband currently works -- everyone helps each other. No one says to the other: Sorry, but that is not my responsibility. They want for the good of the other.

Staffs and pastors should be mandated to have retreats at least once a year for at least a whole day, minimum. Once as a staff and once as individuals. This isn't something I came up with on my own! All throughout Scripture, Jesus took time away from ministry to pray alone. I think lack of retreat is why so often parishes get stuck in a rut, not reaching out to the growing needs of their changing parishioners, struggling to realize the same approaches and programs aren't as effective as they used to be. We all need quiet, dedicated time with the Lord and it is essential as a staff to build relationships BEYOND the coworker relationship. Retreats provide the experience of the Lord together and the opportunity to set aside distraction and grow in fellowship.

Another thing... share a meal together. Our faith is built around a meal in the Mass. Our families gather together around meals. At least once a month, gather together to share a meal!

We all have strengths and weaknesses and praise the Lord... they are not the same strengths and weaknesses. You are the pastor of the parish you pastor because God has chosen you and equipped you with whatever you need to be the shepherd of His people in that place for that time. Your staff should be chosen with the same mindset. Who do you need to help you pastor the flock? What gifts do you see in them and how can their strengths assist you in areas where you are weaker? Pastoral ministers, the same applies to you. How can you assemble teams that support you in areas where you are weaker and what strengths do you bring to the table? The goal isn't teamwork, remember... the goal is family.

What is the protocol if you have a disagreement with someone? It is right in Scripture!!!!! Matthew 18:15-18. Go to your brother and discuss it between the two of you, alone. Only if he doesn't listen do you involve others. Likewise in Matthew 5:23-24, if you are the one who sinned against your brother go to him! In each case, the responsibility lies with you to initiate reconciliation. This should be written in every parish handbook code of conduct !

What if someone needs to be let go? Are they destructive? Disobedient? Unwilling to grow? Unwilling to learn? Unable to enact the vision of the pastor? Ultimately the staff must surrender to the discernment of the pastor, and the pastor must surrender to the will of the Lord! In all things, charity must be exercised, but that doesn't mean that a destructive person should still be given responsibility in ministry. The most charitable thing for that person may be to let them go so they can focus on their relationship with the Lord and discern His will in their lives.

What if you have to leave? What if you are encountering destruction, disobedience, lack of adherence to Church teaching, inability to use your gifts? What if you are simply unwilling or unable to get on board with the vision of the pastor? You also must actively discern whether God is calling you to be the one to leave.

I highly recommend the books Strengths Based Leadership and Rebuilt for more thoughts on some of these topics!



2) Office vs. Home

It can be pretty amazing or pretty disillusioning to work at the place in which you know your life`s most important work is happening -- the place by which you hope to be nourished and drawn closer to the Lord... The place you hope and pray is the vehicle by which you one day enter those pearly gates! The Church shouldn't just be the office.. it is our home. Are we welcomed? Loved? Brought to the Truth? Shown mercy?

A lot of this is up to the pastor to set the tone of the workplace. Does he take the time to encourage others to work together? Does he share his vision? Does he make his expectations clear? Does he make prayer part of the staff work day? Does he encourage and provide constructive feedback?

And, in turn, does the staff take care of their pastor? Do they invite him to their homes? Do they let him know he is appreciated? Do they let him know what they are doing? Are they obedient to his instructions? Do they offer to help him with his needs and responsibilities? Do they help him take care of his home? Do they help him when he is ill?

Even if we are not on his staff, we can all do a much better job of taking care of our pastors. 

Who takes care of their boss in such a personal way in the secular world? What industry standard do we have by which we see the boss treat his employees as though he were not simply their boss, but the person charged with being their spiritual father? Have we sterilized our parish offices so much in order to conform to secular business practices that we don't even fully grasp the depth of what we are missing out on?! Have we forgotten our primary role and mission in this life is to help one another get to Heaven?

Or have we become so casual about our office and office relationships that we have turned in on ourselves and have an *us vs. them* mentality towards our parishioners? These are important questions to ask!

Again, we have and do work with some incredible priests, whom we truly have a deep love and admiration for - I think we have to not forget these incredible men who lay down their lives in service to us.

Deacon Ralph Poyo does an EXCELLENT parish evaluation in which he notes his experiences as a visitor. If you want more resources in this area, contact him and invest in bringing him to help you find ways to improve! http://newevangelizationministries.org




3) Balance of Vocation and Ministry 

“The family is the most ancient institution which God founded in Paradise, when He called the first pair of human beings into existence. The first blessing which God gave was for the wellbeing of the family. With family life, the history of the world commences.” -- St. John Vianney 

A priest has a unique role in that his vocation and ministry are married together. The priest marries the bride of Christ -- the Church. He is Father and shepherd to her members. His ministry is lived out in his familial care and concern for us! In the same way, when a man and woman marry and begin a family, they are on call to the needs of their family day and night, night and day. A priest tends to the physically and spiritually sick children in the same way that parents care for their children.

Pastoral staff balance their vocation and ministry differently, however, in the same way as priests, Christians and those who work for the Church cannot turn their ministry on or off. It is something ongoing, at the office or home. I remember attending the Institute for New Youth Ministers with Frank Mercadante. Jim Beckman was one of the speakers who gave a presentation on how important it is for us to strengthen our personal spiritual life before we even think about setting out to do ministry. He drew a chart of three concentric circles. In the center was GOD, the second ring was VOCATION, and the third was MINISTRY. The source of all is God, but ministry flows directly out of the two. Ministry through vocation. God first, then Vocation, then ministry.

Ministry requires unusual hours and an often chaotic schedule, if you're doing it right! You must go to the people, out on the water. You must walk with people like Jesus on the road to Emmaus. And you must also have your sermon at the Mount moments where you are available and create opportunities for people to come to the Lord. There are evenings and weekend hours. Sometimes overnights and weeklong trips. There are phone calls and messages and emails and finishing work at home because someone popped into the office unexpectedly. There is the ministry of presence, funerals, weddings, school events, etc. In the midst of the chaos, we must make time for family. There are a few ways that I think we can do that, and in this case I primarily speak from my experience.

A) Welcoming the family to ministry. 

I cannot tell you how grateful I was for my pastor in Fowler, Michigan. When I was expecting my second child, I was the Director of Music for the parish. The parish my husband worked at had a pretty strict policy about bringing children to work. My pastor knew we could not afford childcare but he valued what I had to offer the parish in my own gifts and talents. So what did he do? He helped me to find someone to hold my babies during the daily Masses I played. He offered to setup a playpen in my office for my child to be present while I completed my office work. On the occasions that I had to attend a staff meeting, he bought a small basket of toys so my kids could play while we met. I know this is an incredibly unique thoughtfulness and welcoming of my family on behalf of my pastor, but I will never forget this. He wasn't just my boss, but my spiritual father. He made it possible for me to help support my family, use my gifts for the Church, and not have to choose between the two. I realize, this is not always possible in every circumstance, and that is up to the discernment of the pastor and employees, but what a beautiful openness to life and testament to being pro-family!!!! Incidentally, this parish was featured in CNN`s Called to the Collar for the amount of vocations coming from that parish! That welcoming of families extends past the workplace and into the community!

When I travel for speaking and music engagements, I bring my youngest until they are about a year old. I have been so blessed, as the places I go provide someone to watch my baby during my time of speaking or leading music. They may not realize it, but their gift of holding my child is a ministry too!!

Our pastors have been over to our house for dinner and they have been here in times of crisis. Just as we want our Church workplaces to be more welcoming of our families, we also need to extend that same welcoming hand to them!


B) Allowing flexible hours in the case of family emergencies

Many parishes do this -- allow a staff member to care for a family emergency without having to take vacation days, but instead make up those hours or that time as needed. By the fruits of their ministry will you know them, not by their hours. I don't know a single person dedicated to ministry and their relationship with the Lord that refuses to work above and beyond the minimum required. They spend time in prayer, in study, in fellowship with other parishioners, and are available even at home. Most employees of the Church who work *part-time* laugh and describe the multiple job responsibilities that they have!

I do know people, though, who have burned out, because of being unable to balance the vocation and ministry. Ministry can easily consume us to the point that we neglect vocation. My husband and I spend a lot of time talking about ministry, sometimes every day!!! We have to say okay, right now, let us talk about something else! The point I am making here, is that should we count the hours? Or should we count the fruits? I believe we should count the fruits. A pastor/boss of mine is an example of this--- when I tried to submit a proposal for my hours, said he did not care to see it, rather, he trusted me to do the work he gave me to do. I worked well with that! I had grown so accustomed to writing out my hours to make sure I could prove that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing should anyone question the time I wasn't at my desk, that often once I hit 40, the temptation was to not finish the things I had started, even if it would not take very long. I even know someone who was told they were not allowed to work past 40 hours! If we are hours conscious, are we limiting the work God can do in us? Are we setting boundaries that cause us to be untrusting of one another and skeptical or resentful?

Ministry is not our vocation. We are not ordained priests and sometimes we do need to set boundaries and admit when we are overwhelmed or need some extra help. But this does mean that we see our work as building the Kingdom of God and not simply punching a timecard. The salary we receive as employees is not our bread and butter as money well earned -- it is help to support our families, to allow us to free up our pastors to focus on what God has asked them to do too, and to enable us to reach out in a concentrated full-time manner to create opportunities for others to encounter Christ. We shouldn't expect to get rich, ha !  We should continue to operate as generous stewards and contributors to those in need as well.

Our salary is meant to cover our needs for the purpose of dedicating our lives to mission. 

As parishioners, our monetary gifts are crucial to this cause and rooted in Scripture as the early Church cared for their ministers!


C) Allowing some work from home

Now, before you think I am advocating for a bunch of couch potato slackers, I am not. But, there are many things that parish staff members CAN do from home. I definitely think staff should be accessible to parishioners at the office or rehearsals or whatever the ministry is - that includes pastors. But there are some legitimate things that can be done from home. This includes study, planning, communications, program design, assembling presentations, phone calls, calendaring, research, social media, music practicing, etc. If a family member is ill or the other parent has to work and childcare cannot be afforded, sitting down with the pastor to come up with a concrete plan of action would be beneficial. Not all work can be done from home. It can take longer as sometimes there are more distractions! I think this work-from-home scenario can be achieved with a clear communication with the pastor, plan, details of what will be done or was done at home as needed, and establishing an understanding among fellow staff of how the employee is to be accessible from home and present at the office.

D) Maternity Leave

I never took a maternity leave because we could never afford it. With my second child, I was back at choir practice three days after having her. It was difficult. Even with my fourth, I only took one week off of music lessons, again because we could not afford more time off. You do what you have to do for your family. Americans complain all the time about the pathetic maternity leave most corporations have. However, we, as a Church, actively promote the welfare of families and the pro-life mentality and yet we too fall into that category of having crummy maternity leave. Women have to go on disability and receive 2/3 pay for 12 weeks, typically. How can we change this? How can we be the model by which secular institutions can conform and also support the financial well-being of mothers and family?

I propose an alternative maternity leave and again, this whole blog really is not my immovable opinion, it is just my offerings based on what I have seen and experienced and how I truly believe the Church could, by her own employment practices, set the standard for the secular business world and not the other way around. 

I propose that each parish set aside money for a maternity scenario or even medical emergency scenario, to be determined by each parish based on what money would be required to hire outside help or provide some bonuses for current staff to take over some of the work while the employee is gone. I propose the option for:

--- fully paid maternity leave for one month.
---2/3 maternity pay for the next month afterwards with the 1/3 going to hire outside help as needed.
---option for the employee work from home or bring baby to work as needed for the next four months, full pay reinstated. The baby will be six months at that point and I propose again, that for the next six months, mother and baby be able to stay together as much as possible, work from home, bringing baby along as needed, and job responsibility and pay continue as normal.

Perhaps parishioners could use their stewardship to care for the children during staff meetings or other times when it would be difficult to do the work with a baby on the hip!

For fathers, I propose full paid leave for first month, and after that, a flexible work schedule for the second and third months including working from home, but that could all be communicated and worked out with the pastor.

So what about Catholic families like us that have many babies in a short amount of time.... would they never work? Every model and philosophy of ministry adheres to the notion that your programs should not revolve around you because if you leave, the entire program falls apart. Every ministry should have a team of volunteers from people who have gifts in those areas and seek to use their time and talent to build the Kingdom of God! As pastoral ministers, we are called upon to equip those parishioners empowered by the Holy Spirit to be able to go out and spread the Good News! The procedure I am proposing for maternity leave would be this....

When a woman finds out she is pregnant, she would setup a meeting with the pastor to begin preparations for her absence. She would meet with the pastoral staff to discuss her plan to equip others to continue the ministry during the potential two months that she is away and honestly describe what the needs of the ministry will be to allow an opportunity for others to step forward and lend their gifts temporarily to allow their sister to recover from birth. The plan would be in writing and the pastor would appoint someone to be the point person for her programs while she is gone. This person would be in direct communication with her as she plans and trains this person to take over temporarily. The woman would necessarily put in some extra time during these nine months for this preparation and continue about her regular responsibilities.

The same applies for the father, in the month of his absence.

As the child grows older, if childcare is an impossible to afford commodity, I propose flexible scheduling or working with the stewardship of parishioners who would love to minister to their staff by assisting in childcare.

THAT SAID, honest communication and discernment should be had, that if the ministry is truly suffering or family is truly suffering, God may be calling us on to something different, and we should be open to that as well. Perhaps considering part-time or contractual employment for the time being.

This is not a novel idea --- Other secular companies are starting to do this so they can  attract and retain the best, most qualified people! 


Conclusion:

This isn't a foolproof solution and if you are scoffing, I hope not. I hope, rather, that we can begin the discussions of allowing our pro-life, pro-family, pro-marriage theology to transform our parish, beginning in the work place. I am hoping the Church who has always paved the way in human rights and social justice and worker`s rights can quit trying to model all of her practices based on the stringent norms of the secular business world, and instead be the model herself, allowing other businesses to take up the same practices, transforming our world into a place where families are supported and children are welcomed.




“There is nothing which edifies others so much as charity and kindness, by which, as by the oil in our lamp, the flame of good example is kept alive.” -- St. Francis de Sales

Weightloss Update

I am so sorry to have taken so long, for those who are on the same journey or looking for inspiration... here we go:


Before:

Stats then: 185 lbs

Now:

 

Stats: 173.5

I am surprised that I did not gain more weight over the holidays, because I did not exercise, but I was at my inlaws: house where we did not eat hardly any processed foods. I am still sticking with that as the ticket. Nothing obsessive, just trying to cut out as much as I can the processed foods and actually take a little extra time to prepare meals that are good for me and the family!

I have continued with ChaLEAN Extreme with my good friends, 5am Monday through Friday. 

When I wake up to workout, it is absolutely brutal, especially because more often than not I stayed up too late (my five month old is still awake) and was up during the night, but then I tell myself two things....

1) This is a decision. You can sleep in or you can decide to be healthy. 

2) If you get it over with, you can go back to bed for an hour and you will be so glad you did this. 

And it is true! I feel so much better and have more energy when I workout. It is a vicious cycle of having no energy and thus not working out but not working out means lack of energy. 

I think it is important to just take a moment, right now and acknowledge that, to an extent at least, care for our bodies rests in our hands. We have to get to a point where we don't want to be sluggish anymore, or insecure, or tired, or with other lack of exercise and weight related issues. When we do that, we can begin to work on change. I made the decision in college and joined Weight Watchers and lost 60 pounds. I made this decision after my third child, and I am making it now. 

Please keep rooting for me! It helps motivate me and if you are on your own journey, I would love to root for you too!!!!!!!!!!

I Can Do All Things

When I first started homeschooling my kids last year, I was full of high hopes. I just knew my kids and I would learn and have fun and stay organized and they would love me even more every day due to all this extra quality time we would spend together, frolicking in the sun and learning to read by age 4 and I would quickly be able to brag that I am seriously the....

Best. Mom. Ever.

You are laughing aren't you?

Because you know!!!!

You know what I did not and that is that kids DO NOT CARE about our dreams of being the best moms ever.

One morning I joyfully exclaimed after breakfast, "Hey Guys!! It is almost time for school!! YAY!" To which my oldest son solemnly replied, "I do not want to do school. I just want to be happy."

Ahhhh! You and me both, kid.

Day after day of plugging away... I kept praying, God give me patience!

I remember one incident where my daughter had to draw a number one. Just one number one. A line. It is a line, people. She had to draw a LINE!!!!

"It is too hard."

"I can't do it."

"I hate school."

"My hand hurts."

"I don't like this pencil."

I maintained my calm, but decided that I need a room in my house with padded walls that I can retreat to in times like these.

My mother-in-law gave me some ideas to make writing more engaging and fun. She said, tell Lucia a story. Tell her, "Once upon a time, there was ONE bear. Lucia can you make the number 1?"

I tried it. She did it. She loved it. And I put my padded room on hold.

God, give me patience.

I started to reflect, through this daily struggle of keeping the house clean, lack of adult interaction during the day most days, maintaining the music ministry, homeschooling, teaching music lessons, raising kids, etc and I began to burn out.

God, give me patience PLEASE.

One day, I was having a conversation with someone about love being a decision. Love being an act of the will and not a feeling... and I started to wonder if this applied to other things in life. And if I mastered this act of the will, could I be, if not the best mom ever, at least a moderately holy mom?

You see, I think we can apply "love is a decision" to other areas of our lives.

When I beg the Lord to give me whatever virtue I am lacking... I wonder if it isn't just that I lack the virtue, but I lack the desire to act accordingly to that virtue.

When we "run out of patience" could it literally mean that we are tired of being patient and choose not to be?

When I ask the Lord to give me better health I realize that some of these prayers require action on my part. I cannot beg for better health and refuse to exercise and continue to eat from the tin of popcorn currently sitting in front of me. (Hey! I DID get up at 5 this morning to workout!)

When I beg for greater trust in the Lord, I actually do have to step out on to the water. I actually do have to act. To follow Him.

When I beg for greater faith, I actually do have pray regularly, read Scripture, do acts of service.

Faith requires action.

I share this revelation with you because it has been pretty life-changing for me. Particularly, at this point in my life, in the areas of patience. You know those cartoons where the character's little thermometer rises until it explodes? That is how it can be for me. I tend to keep things in until I explode. Now, day by day, I am trying something different.

I try to say the words in my head, "As an act of my will, I am going to choose patience in this moment." Or when I start to feel very angry, I say, "I can choose how I want to respond to this and I want to respond in love." Or when it is almost explosion time, "CHOOSE PATIENCE"!

It takes me down a few notches and I hope eventually changes my instinctual responses to default to love and patience, gentleness, mercy, and kindness.

I have also been actively trying to fight anxieties in the same way. Normal anxieties. Family stuff, money stuff, school stuff, etc. I have started saying, "No, I am not going to think about this right now." Or "There is no right or wrong decision... there may be a better or best decision, but let us decide and move on."

Sometimes these battles of trying to choose to NOT act out of impatience take their toll physically and I feel exhausted trying to keep myself from acting out of frustration. But when I don't succumb to those things... the more peaceful our household is, which becomes such a great incentive!

Now, this isn't to say that I believe I am doing this on my own. I pray for the grace I need to take the actions I must take in order to conform my will to His. I pray for the grace to start over every stinking time I fail. I pray for the grace to love more and forgive more. I pray that God will love through me and forgive through me when I just can't seem to find the motivation.

There is a Scripture passage that really anchors this whole blog tonight. It is one everyone knows...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

I can DO. This requires action on OUR parts IN RESPONSE to Christ who STRENGTHENS us.

I can do all things. Maybe as I pray that I will add some specifics...

I can do homeschooling through Christ who strengthens me.
I can follow a budget through Christ who strengthens me.
I can get up to work out through Christ who strengthens me.
I can love this person through Christ who strengthens me.
I can forgive this person through Christ who strengthens me.


I hope all of this makes sense, and I write this with the humility of someone who fails and tries again and who seeks to share as I learn and strive to grow in my desire for holiness, better mom-hood, better wife-hood, etc. with those who may also be in the same boat!

Prayers for you. Would love to hear your stories too!

God bless and happy Gaudete week!

Noelle

Year of Mercy: Restored from Pornography Addiction

Hi friends, 

Awhile ago, I asked a friend of mine to consider sharing her story of her journey with her husband through his pornography addiction with you, my readers. She agreed, but we never set a deadline. In His perfect timing, though, she wrote to me that she was ready to write the blog -- and I think it is so wonderful to open the year of Mercy on this blog with her story. I hope you can share and receive healing through her beautiful testimony of God and His profound grace and mercy!

--- Noelle 

 ------- GUEST POST FROM ANA www.freedandrestored.com --------------

We, as the Catholic Church, have just entered into the Year of Mercy. 

Mercy as defined by the Catechism is: 

“the charitable actions by which we come to the aid of our neighbor in his spiritual and bodily necessities”. Charitable actions can include (but are not limited to): instructing, advising, consoling, comforting, forgiving and bearing wrongs patiently.

There weren’t any warning signs. Sure, there were rumblings going on beneath the surface of our 5 year marriage, but I brushed them to the back of my mind; these bumps in the road are to be expected when we have a busy life with 2 young children… I’d often tell myself.

But one evening, the rumblings erupted and a big, big problem came to light. This problem had been silently infiltrating and ruining our marriage from its very start. This problem was a silent, slow killer of my husband’s soul. The parts of him that were dying were so slow and painful for him but it was hard for me to recognize. However, once it all came to light I found myself dumbfounded in how I missed it.

The problem that came to light was that my husband is a pornography addict. 

Just reading those words, how do you feel? Does it make you uncomfortable? Does it feel like maybe I just got way too personal? Does that make you think poorly of my husband? Does it make you think that I must have been doing something wrong to push him to pornography? Does it make you think that our marriage must have really big problems that we’d been ignoring that led to this? 

Would you be surprised by the fact that around 64% of Christian men say they look at porn at least monthly? Or that of all men, 68% admit that they view pornography at least weekly?

Until this problem was literally looking me in the face, I was oblivious to the fact that it was a problem at all. Every guy does it. It doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s harmless. If it’s so widely accepted, then why did my husband carry around such shame? Why did I carry such shame for his addiction?  All of the shame attached to a pornography addiction seems ironic to me because pornographic material and viewing is so widely accepted among today’s society. Is it because of this cultural acceptance and approval that acknowledging pornography can actually be a problem – and not just a hobby - brings about so much embarrassment?

In all honesty, the shame I felt really surprised me.  Being a ‘social butterfly’, I heal and problem solve by talking to others. Even for issues within my marriage I had a solid group of married friends and mentors I could go to and, respectfully, problem solve. But this – this was something different. I wanted to talk to someone, I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it without feeling shame; shame for myself and shame for my husband.  But why the heck was I feeling ashamed? Wasn’t I just one of the victims? Isn’t this my husband’s problem?  I didn’t fully recognize the disgrace directly attached to pornography addiction until I wanted to talk to someone about me and my husband’s situation and I couldn’t think of a single person to call, email, or text. I couldn’t think of anyone in my life who had openly discussed this issue.

The questions I posed earlier weren’t just to get you to recognize the stigma attached to a pornography addict, but they were actually my own thoughts on the rare occasion I’d hear of someone with an addiction to pornography. So because I knew what I had thought, I assumed others would think the same. I feared once my family found out about my husband’s problem, that they would think our marriage had no merit. I feared that once my friends found out, they would think my husband was a pervert. I feared that once acquaintances and neighbors found out, they would assume I wasn’t meeting my husband’s intimate needs.  But I couldn’t stay silent, my emotions were too big and frankly, I was lost as to how to ‘fix’ this. This was the biggest problem our marriage had faced thus far and I was feeling hopeless and alone. 

I didn’t know where to go, so I emailed our parish priest. My husband had encouraged me to contact a good friend of mine whom he heard had faced a similar issue within their marriage in the past. Between prayer, the advising of our priest, and talking to our friends, I was able to slowly start sorting through my emotions and our marriage began to slowly start healing. It took a lot of time and grace for me to understand that pornography addiction is a true addiction. Pornography actually mimics the same effects on the brain as a drug does to a drug addict. Once I was able to realize that this was not just a hobby gone haywire, and that my husband had a true problem, it was easier to let go of some of my hurt that was falsely rooted in my heart saying that I had somehow caused this.  The more that my husband and I were able to openly discuss his addiction, the more it became a team effort to combat this addiction. 

Soon I began to understand why my husband would feel shame.  He had had a ‘bond’ with pornography that had been there since he was a young teenager. From the very beginning, pornography was something to be done privately and secretly. As he aged and relationships came and went, pornography was always secretly and privately there. As we dated and got married and started a family, pornography was always secretly and privately there. It was there for him when he was stressed or when our marriage hit a rough patch. With each secret viewing, his shame was building as was his double life. It all came to a head when he confronted me and confessed to me. As I stated earlier, I was completely oblivious; I hadn’t found anything or stumbled across images on his phone or computer. After almost two decades of looking at porn, he was a pro at erasing his footprints. He was a pro at timing. He was a pro at deceiving and pretending that everything was alright. But that night the he opened up to me, everything was not alright. He was worn, tired of living a double life, tired of deceiving me, tired of trying to fight this private struggle alone.

My husband’s shame is what kept him from talking to anyone about his hobby-turned-problem-turned-addiction. There was so much shame attached to his viewing of pornography that he would fight an interior battle, only to lose and often crumble to the floor and weep after looking at it. When he began to share with me what a true struggle this was, I could not help but have love for him. Before me was not the strong, straight-lined, disciplined, man that I had thought he was. Instead, I was looking into the eyes of a hurt and broken man, screaming for help, seeking comfort and compassion from the one woman he thought would and could give that.

Throughout our entire healing process, with as angry as I was and with as hurt as I was, it was evident that his own pain was deeper than any pain I could inflict on him, and his anger with himself was greater than any anger I could throw at him.  The love of my life stood before me worn, weak, and vulnerable. In hindsight, it was if I held his heart and soul in my hands and how he was going to live the rest of his life depended in my reaction to this entire situation. Was I going to slap him across the face and leave like a part of me wanted to do? Was I going to get angry? Cry? Hold a grudge? Was I going to give up on him? Was I going to turn bitter? Was I going to keep track of how much this hurt me and try to hurt him more? Was I going to forgive him?

By the grace of God, and for the good of my husband’s heart and soul, I was able to show him mercy when he needed it the most. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I cried. Yes I was very, very hurt. But I learned that I could feel those emotions while still gently holding his heart in my hands. I could be angry and still hug him. I could cry and still talk to him. I could be very, very hurt and still forgive him. I could feel like my entire World came crashing down before me, and still God gave me grace to show mercy.

It was through this mercy, time passing, a lot of prayer and constant forgiving that my husband and I have come out of this battle bloodied, but alive. In fact, as with most marital strife, we’ve come through to the other side and can confidently say our marriage is better now than it ever has been. My husband’s pornography addiction was a deep root in our relationship that seeped into nearly every aspect of our union. This was hard on our entire marriage; it was hard on our intimacy, it was hard on the way we communicated with each other; it was hard on the way that we treated each other; it was hard on the way we thought of each other.  We are still working through some effects of it, but the difference is that now we are facing this fight together.  I thank God for showing me grace and mercy so that I was able to, in turn, know mercy and show it to my husband.

With our World going off the rails in so many ways, we as Christians can work together to lift the veil of shame attached to pornography addiction. This evil can be remedied by communion, accountability, and discussion. The more we openly discuss such a problem that affects our lives, the more our brothers and sisters in Christ can look up and say, “You too? I thought it was just me…” and the healing can begin. 

“But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful.”    Luke 6:35-36

-----------------------------------------------

Born in a small, mid-west farming town, Ana was raised as a cradle Catholic but did not begin to deeply explore her faith until her college years.  At that time, she discovered a gift for speaking enthusiastically and candidly about lessons she has learned, and how struggles in her life have carried her closer to God. In 2015, Ana and her husband Ryan began developing
www.freedandrestored.com as a resource to share their story and encourage anyone affected by pornography addiction.  Ana lives in Michigan with her husband Ryan and their three (soon to be four) children. She most recently contributed their story to Matt Fradd’s latest book entitled “Restored”.

Restored by Cameron and Matt Fradd: http://restoredbook.com/

The Advent Nazi

I will be writing a blog for each week of Advent and at some point in the near future will update my weight loss blog which, for better or worse, is on hold due to sickness, traveling, and....... Christmas treats. ;) 

I have been pondering this blog for a while and how to word it compassionately, but I just decided... eh, what the heck. I can deal with the comments as they come!

So, let us talk briefly about what I like to call: the Advent Nazi. What do I mean by that? I mean the person who forbids, shudders, and scorns anyone who mentions Christmas in the four weeks of Advent leading up to Christmas. No lights. No tree. No carols. Yelling at everyone that *Yes, Mary did know!* Etc. 

My husband, David, is an Advent Nazi. I, on the other hand, am more like Elf. Ya know...

SANTAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. So, how do we do it? 

Once, David and I were fighting about putting up Christmas lights on the house (I wanted them, he did not, summoning the excuse that we should not put up lights in Advent and that he is holier than me, but really I think it was because he just did not want to put up lights and I am obviously holier because childbirth...) But anyway, we were in the grocery store, when a woman walked past him and called him a Scrooge!

I died laughing. 

But I have been thinking... Advent is not supposed to be somber like Lent. It is supposed to be joyful preparation and anticipation ! Just take a moment and look at the Psalms... 

Week One: To You O Lord, I Lift My Soul

Week Two: The Lord Has Done Great Things for Us, We are Filled with Joy

Week Three: Cry out with Joy and Gladness for the Great One is Among You, the Holy One of Israel

Week Four: Lord, Make us Turn to You, Let us See Your Face and We Shall be Saved

Yes, we pull out all the stops for Christmas day and the Christmas season thereafter, but should we not rejoice that this is the most wonderful time of the year where people who maybe forget about their faith the previous 11 months all of a sudden are reminded of the birth of a Savior through the lights and sounds and sights that we display -- commercial or not! That the season is full of songs of hope and peace on earth and goodwill towards men, charitable giving, and so on and so forth -- can we not rejoice in that instead of annoyingly reminding people Christmas isn't here yet? Can we welcome others into the joyful anticipation with us and gladly celebrate Advent while also making our beautiful Christmas preparations? 

I get it! I totally get it, that Advent is the waiting period. But having been pregnant four times, waiting in joyful anticipation over 9 months each time, I can tell you that the preparations I make as a mom only enhance my own excitement at the birth of my child. And YES at month 9 when I have finished all of the preparation, I realize it is not his/her birthday yet, but... 

I sing to my babies before they are born. I sing about them. I sing to them. 

I talk to them. 

I decorate. I buy them a gift that is just theirs for when they come home with me. 

I watch the labor episode of *The Office* with Jim and Pam. 

I change up the furniture as necessary. I stock up on food so I don't have to shop. 

I pray. I go to Confession. 

And I wait anxiously and excitedly for his/her birth. 

I make the same preparations for the birth of my own child as I do for the birth of My King. 

I put on the joyful music. We sing O Come O Come Emmanuel in the evening and pray.  We buy gifts, just three, each for the kids. We go to Confession. This is the one time of year I actually enjoy baking. We watch fun Christmas movies and dunk cookies in egg nog and nostalgia! And I get just as excited as the kids when it comes to Christmas morning. They know it is the birthday of our Lord!

The Gospel this past Sunday says that there will be signs of the coming of our Lord. I look at our decorations as simple signs that we believe in and anticipate the coming of our Lord and everyone can witness that as well! 

So..... how do David and I compromise on keeping the focus on Advent but joyfully anticipating Christmas? 

I insist upon lighted evergreen in the house at this time of year, so.... We have an Advent tree. A little tree we decorate with purple, then pink, then purple again. We utilize prayers and the Advent candles. And we decorate the house, but leave the Christmas tree for the week of Christmas. We listen to Christmas music, but sing O Come O Come Emmanuel as our prayer. We have an Advent calendar. We shop, but keep the gifts to three each, plus a stocking of treats. Again, tying the *three* into the amount of gifts that Jesus received. 

We compromised from literally NO decor or music and a wife who cried because if you wait until Christmas day to turn on the carols your joy is short lived since after Christmas day the rest of the world moves on to pop tunes again....  to saving the tree as our BIG DEAL decoration but making little preparations beforehand! David also hides baby Jesus so I can't put him in the Nativity scene until Christmas. Last year he lost Him though so..........we may have to find a new baby Jesus. 

Anyway, I suppose all I am saying in this post is be a pregnant woman minus the morning sickness in Advent. Don't be ashamed to prepare your heart and home for the coming of our Lord, but work up to the awesome glory of that which is His Holy Birth!! 

ALSO, this is a blog written by Linda Padgett. She has an Advent board with activities for each day in a bag to do with the kids. Charity, crafts, prayers, movies, etc. It is SUPER awesome. 

I hope to do this next year: 

http://primalhappyplace.com/advent-activities-and-christmas-magic

Check it out and Happy Advent :) 

Weightloss Update Blog

Hi All!

Sorry for the delay! One of my kids knocked water on my computer so I could not use certain keys on my keyboard because they typed several other letters and even just writing a Facebook status was brutally obnoxious and with the little ones and our CD launch this week which I am behind in press for oy.... Those of you with nutty schedules realize time is gold!

Anywho, the stats...

Starting weight sixish weeks postpartum was 185
Current weigh in this week is 177.

Total loss is 8 lbs.

Now, I gotta tell ya.... I started to feel pretty discouraged that I could not seem to get my appetite under control, so I madly avoided the scale and I am actually thinking that it is better mentally for me to not weigh-in when I feel like I did not do so great in eating healthy. Another thing to remind myself and just to make sure you know too, the number on the scale is just a number. The important thing is that I am feeling SO MUCH STRONGER and starting to get some muscle back to where I am not out of breath carrying my adorable gianormous basketball player newborn baby up the stairs.

Seriously, he is my exercise at almost 16 pounds and not even 3 months till November 5th....

So, in nursing the baby still, I am struggling the most with appetite which has always been my downfall as I like to exercise. I am trying to find a good balance of maintaining the calories that I need for nursing and strength-training daily but not too much where I am not able to trim some of the baby weight that makes my clothes nice and snug. I do NOT have the budget for new clothes, so the only thing I can do is work this weight off or live in stretchy pants, which at this point doesn't seem like a bad option. Ha! I do feel like there is a little less jiggle in my wiggle...

Still plugging away. I decided to never start on Mondays. Every day is a new day for reclaiming a healthier me ! But, other than sleep exhaustion from newborn life,  I am feeling great! It is amazing how a little exercise goes a long, long way.

I am so thankful to my friends who regularly come over and work out with me cause I don't think I would be as disciplined without the accountability of three friends showing up when it is still dark outside! Extra hour of sleep this weekend! Woo!

Until next time..

Behind the Music #2: Waiting

One of my favorite songs on our new CD is "Waiting". David came up with the beautiful guitar music and played for me while I ran and grabbed the words I had just written down a few days prior. It came together in moments, which is a miracle in and of itself because writing music with your spouse is one of the most difficult, beautiful, personal, intimate, rage-inducing activities ever! :)

I had just reconnected with some old friends and while sitting in Adoration one day, began to reflect on the different paths we have all taken growing up. Some of us work for the Church and some of us want nothing at all to do with the Church some of us are married and some of us are single, some have kids, some do not, some have traveled the world, and some have stayed in the town they grew up in. I thought about why it was that I have chosen the path I have chosen when I could have made so many different choices and I realized...

My path isn't much different from anyone else's, really, when it comes to those who have left the faith and those who have not. The only difference between me and a friend who left their faith behind is that I decided to turn around and come back.

I have made some bad choices. I was a pretty big hypocrite at different points in my life. I hurt others and they hurt me and I remember wondering why should I love God in the midst of all the suffering? Why should I follow Him when it seemed so much easier to walk away or stay complacent?

But there would always be something.

SOMETHING that would draw me back.

A song on the radio... a comment from a friend or family member... an experience... a gentle reminder of my faith... maybe the prayers of someone who loved me.

And I would always remember that the one thing I knew for certain, though I didn't know how or why is....

God loves me.

He loves me.

And that's enough.

It is so easy for an innocent child to believe in God. They believe in hope, they believe in love, they offer mercy to the bully on the playground, they trust freely. Until when?

Until someone breaks that trust. Until someone takes their innocence. Until they make choices and lose their innocence. It happens to all of us at one point or another.

World-crushing pain, suffering, or sin.

That's when I think we become jaded. We mistrust God. We doubt Him. We start by doubting His love for us. Then we doubt His plan for us. Then we doubt His existence. Yet, His love is so great that He allows us to go through this process. He allows us to reject Him. He is with us even as we walk away.

He is waiting. Waiting.

The chorus of the song is this:
"You waited for me, You waited for me to look up and see You waiting on me,
Waiting on me to say 'Here I am'".

One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn -- one of the biggest conversions in my heart and one of the most beautiful, powerful, moving realizations is written in the bridge of this song... "You say to me I am not my sin, I am not defined by mistakes. You restored my heart by grace. I am forgiven. I am forgiven...

I am forgiven."

Sometimes it is our sin and mistakes that keep us away from God. We put a veil of false humility and "unworthiness" over our heads. Or we divide ourselves from union with Him out of our own arrogance that we know better. Though deep down, I wonder if in those moments we even trust ourselves in the midst of not trusting Him. Do we not realize, He died for all of our sins? Do we not realize that in claiming unworthiness we in effect exclude ourselves from being open to receiving His mercy and grace?! Why not take advantage of His grace, love, hope, peace, mercy and put our own selfishness aside for a moment.

He never, EVER, says we aren't good enough to run to Him!! Read the lives of the saints. Some of the greatest saints were the greatest sinners and I think that is because they lived lives with PASSION! When you give everything over to sin, then have an encounter with God, you already know what it is to give everything and you know, now, how to give everything to God. Not because He asks for it, but because you WANT to because you love Him, too.

It's just an act of the will to actually do it. To give Him everything, knowing He loves you and has given you everything.

That is what I aspire to.

And every time I fall or decide to walk away, He is still there. Every time I doubt, He is still there.

Waiting.

Behind the Music #1: Like No One Else

The next few weeks, I want to focus on explaining the meaning behind the songs on our new album, set to be released on October 27th! It was a labor of love with much sweat and tears. We cannot thank our financial and spiritual supporters enough.

This is the first song on the album, *Like No One Else*. I wrote the words and music, but as he usually does, David took the music and made it more interesting. David hears the music in layers, but I hear the music with space. Somehow, through many fights and prayers and love, the two come together!

This is the meaning behind, *Like No One Else*...


David and I met on a Catholic dating website called Ave Maria Singles but a bit before that, I was dating someone I thought I would marry. When that didn't work out, I decided I needed to concentrate on my relationship with God. I needed to fall in love with Him again, because I hadn't been as close or as faithful to my relationship with Him in awhile.

I was one of those girls that once I experienced my first relationship, I felt I always needed to be in a relationship. Very little thought or discernment was put into getting into those relationships, though I really did try my best to make them work even if I knew deep down it wasn't a good fit. I thought the easiest and best way to be loved was to have a boyfriend!

During the time of singlehood that I had before I met David, I realized through lots and lots of prayer that I would not be able to really love someone unless I loved the Lord. I knew that He needed to come first and I wanted a man who would put God first too. For the first time in my adult life, I felt completely fulfilled by the love of God. I didn't need a guy. I was satisfied and whole. 

Fast forward to meeting David. 

David was the first guy I ever dated that I was afraid would break up with me. Why? Because I knew he was also whole and completely satisfied in his relationship with God and His love for Him. I knew we were two whole people coming together that loved each other, but didn't NEED each other. It was a new territory for me! 

When we married, I had another realization. 

I still couldn't love David if I didn't love God first. He can't love me if he doesn't love God first, either. This love is not just a feeling, but a deep self-sacrificing, free, total, faithful decision to love! 

"Can you surrender, can you close your eyes and fall back into my arms?

Can you let go enough to fly

And let Me love you like no one else can?

Let Me love you like no one else can."

When we put the expectation on anyone but the Lord to love us the way we need to be loved all the time, we will always come up unsatisfied. I'm not just talking about intentionally or unintentionally hurting one another, I'm talking about even just being tired and not loving to the fullest of our capacity! But God can love us like no one else can. David and I could both know that if our relationship hadn't worked out, we would have been okay, because we would still be loved. 

Sometimes we harden ourselves to love because of those past hurts, but God who Himself is love will never leave you wounded. All throughout the Gospels we see the Lord reaching out to the most "unlovable" and that love brings those people healing, drastic life changes, and peace. We will do crazy things for someone we love and God's loves runs so deep that He gave His only Son. For us. 

I can't imagine that. I can't imagine sending one of my children to die for anyone, even a close friend or family member. I am incapable of that kind of love. But God isn't!!

So, what have you got to lose.... let Him love you like no one else can!

Weightloss Journey week Two

Starting weight: 185
Last week: 181
This week: 179
Down 2 pounds this week, down 6 overall!


I have amazing friends who have been working out with me at 5am every single day except the weekends. I couldn't do it without them, because with nursing... 5am comes around pretty quick! We missed one day - due to Diego being up all night, but I just tried to stay active that afternoon and evening.

Diet-wise, I was pretty awful. Because nursing plus now exercising regularly takes so much energy, I have had a hard time not OVER-eating. Plus it was Lucia's birthday and we had cupcakes in the shape of a -- well, that's another story....A mom fail to say the least and if you saw it on Facebook, I promise it was a butterfly.

Then, day one of when I was going to start the 100 Days of Real Food menu, David decided to make dinner. David NEVER decides to make dinner on his own and even shop for the ingredients, so I couldn't pass that up. He made the same thing he made for me when we were newly married, six years ago (yeah, it's been six years since he made me dinner so I HAD to take him up on this romantic gesture!!) It was.....


......


English muffin pizzas! :P But they were good and I ate a lot of them because they are small.

So...... epic fail diet wise but this week has started off a little better. We had roasted veggies and pork chops and the pork chop recipe I found online was so gross that I ate a small portion. So there ya go.

Back to the grind!

See ya next week!