Why, God?

Whoever invented taxes was a jerk.

"Hmm... I really think we should be providing this service and paying for my salary... how should I do this.. OH I'll force people to pay me."

Ok, I get it, there are lots of benefits to taxes... roads, schools, libraries, civil/public services, firemen, police, and other important stuff.

But dang.

Alas was my sticker shock when I went to renew my license plate tags.

"That will be $523.27, " she said.

First of all, if I was asking for that money for a dang sticker on someone's car, I'd be handing them a glass of wine simultaneously.

"What? Five dollars and twenty-three cents?" I said.

"No, $523.27."

"What? FIVE HUNDRED? FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!" I said as I pulled my chin off the floor.

"Yes, FIVE TWO THREE POINT TWO SEVEN."

I just about burst into tears.

All I kept thinking was something about death and taxes and I'm so ready to live in a tent somewhere on an island with my family. An island with bountiful fruit trees.

Oy.

Why, God? Why can't we ever seem to get ahead?
-------

I went to our family Holy Hour by myself today and as I was praying the Joyful Mystery of the Rosary (When the angel Gabriel announces to Mary that she is to be the Mother of God). I noticed that she asks, "How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?"

She asks, "How can this be?" How can this happen?

I reflected on other times that the people in the Bible ask the Lord, "How can this be?"

One is 2 Kings 4:43 But his servant said, “How can I set this before a hundred people?” So he repeated, “Give it to the people and let them eat, for thus says the Lord, ‘They shall eat and have some left.’”

One is in John 6, I am the living bread which has come down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live for ever; and the bread that I shall give is my flesh, for the life of the world.'

52 Then the Jews started arguing among themselves, 'How can this man give us his flesh to eat?'

53 Jesus replied to them: In all truth I tell you, if you do not eat the flesh of the Son ofman and drink his blood, you have no life in you.

Jesus says He is the Bread of Life and His followers ask, "How can this be?" How can this happen?

Then of course there is doubting Thomas. Poor Thomas. He just wanted proof of the Lord's resurrection. 

In each of these instances of someone asking the Lord, "How can this be?" He gives them explanations. He never says, "Shut up and just do what I say." Even though, really, the fact that He instructed us to do something should be enough for us to, well, do it. But He doesn't operate like that. 

He answers their questions. I never noticed that before. I always dwelt on Mary's humble submission and Thomas' lack of faith. The Lord says, "Blessed are they who have not seen and yet believe." I thought that meant that to question God is somehow sinful. 

But, the Lord asks us to have faith like a child. When my children ask "Why?" it is because they seek truth and they seek understanding. It's not that they don't trust me, it's that they genuinely want to know the answers. That's the kind of faith we are called to have. 

Faith, sometimes, seems like it's blind. We get caught up in advocating trust and surrender in this sort of passive, blind way. The Lord shows us in these passages that it is okay to cry out, "Why God?" or to ask Him "How can this be?" He isn't a magician who refuses to part with his secrets. He is an all-knowing God who sees the bigger picture beyond what we are capable of, allowing us to ask why and bringing us the answers we need and the signs of hope in Him.

So if you're wondering what the heck is going on in your life, ask Him. 

There is a distinctive attitude difference between Mary and Thomas, though, that is key to our questioning... 

Mary was open, but Thomas had already decided he would not believe -- " But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”

We have to be open. When we ask, "Why, God?" We have to be ready for the Truth. We have to seek the Truth. We have to be open to the Truth. Not our truth - His Truth. 

Many times this cry occurs during a tragic time and can easily lead us to despair. We can probably all look back on points in our lives and see how what was once so terrible, has made and shaped us in some way, hopefully for the better. What once seemed insurmountable, we have overcome.  If we seek out answers, not just guided by our feelings at the moment, but really an openness to what God is calling us to, we will have peace, and He will give us the assurance we need. 

I hope and pray that walking as people of faith, we realize it isn't a blind-folded trust walk. It is an active following the Lord where He leads, eyes open and fixed on Him. It is a choice that calls us to put one foot in front of the other. It is a trust that bears fruit in understanding, joy, and peace. 

Praying for all of you who still have to renew your taxes in Ford County, Kansas. I'm already starting to save up for next year...

Why, God? 

:) 

I Don't Give Up on You. I Surrender You.

I just returned last week from an amazing trip doing music ministry at LA Congress in Anaheim. While I was performing at the World Library Publications booth, I introduced my song, "Serenity" based on the Serenity prayer (and available on iTunes *wink*) as a song about surrender and letting go and submitting to/following God's will. The words to the refrain are

"Lord give me the serenity to stay where I am, 

the courage to take another step, 

and the wisdom to know I can't do either without You." 

After I finished the song, a woman approached me, holding my CD's, and said, "Was that song called, 'Let Go'?" And I said, "No, that's a different song." She said, "I thought you said this song is about letting go?" 

I had to laugh. A lot of my songs are about surrender, letting go... releasing my hold on things I can't control! It is an ongoing theme in my life. (She bought both CD's, so maybe we have something in common!) 

Above daily chores, health, stress, or responsibilities, I think it's hardest for me to let people go. 

"I love you and you are Mine" is one of my favorite lines from a song, spoken from Scripture. It is so difficult - near impossible for me - to say, "You love him/her and he/she is Yours." 

I don't have any trouble at all with "You love him/her." It's the "Yours" part that I have trouble with. 

My son. My daughter. My husband. My mother. My father. My sister. My brother. My friend. 

Mine, Mine, Mine. 

Not. Yours. At least we can share responsibility, ok, Lord? 

When our loved ones are sick, dying, leaving the faith, or making self-destructive choices, our instinct is to grab on to them, to grasp and cling to maddening, smothering affect. We feel unsettled, hurt, frantic, every muscle tense, trying to figure out what WE can do. What I can do. And we feel like failures if we can do nothing. We feel powerless and helpless. We would die for that person to be healed, to turn back to the faith, or to choose a better life for themselves. 

But Someone already did die for this person to be healed, turn back, choose life. 

Jesus. Jesus, You died before I breathed my first breath. You died for my loved ones before they opened their eyes in this world. Jesus. 

Why can't I trust? Why can't I know beyond my mind and deep down to the core of my being that God loves this person more than I do and is pursuing them more than I can? Why is it so hard to remember that this person's healing and salvation is not in my hands? If I don't believe these things, then I can't adequately say that I believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God. 

I have to let you go. I have to surrender you. 

I don't let you go in the sense that you are hanging from a cliff and I release my hold on your hand, letting you fall to your destruction. Rather, I carry you in my heart and I gently place you in the hands of our Savior who loves you more than I do. All your needs, all your desires, all your questions, all your sickness, all your struggles, everything. 

And I let go. You are His child. Not mine. In trusting me with your care, my son, my daughter, my husband, my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my friend... the Lord has given me great responsibilities. I will love, forgive, care for, and pray for you. But above all, the greatest thing I can do for you, is gently place you in our Father's hands who knows your heart more than I ever could and Who can satisfy you more than I am capable. 

He loves you, and you are His. 

Amen. 

She is Beautiful

My husband and I have wrapped up a few weeks of local speaking engagements and Q&A sessions on all things regarding teens' ideas of sex, dating, and relationships. It has been interesting on many levels. I realized how little I knew about any of the aforementioned topics when I was their age and I realized that relationships and maintaining purity in those relationships is the struggle that is on their minds and the battleground of their hearts - a battleground upon which an all out war is being waged.

I am not blogging tonight to discuss all of the topics that came up in our time listening and learning about these beautiful young people. Though there were many areas for celebration and many areas of heartbreak. I am blogging tonight about giving glory to God for beauty. Every sexual sin is a distortion of God's created beauty. Let's dissect a few...

1) Pornography.

Even though porn is becoming a woman's addiction too, I am going to address it from the more common occurrence of the male addiction. Porn is the number one common thread behind all molesters, predators, cheaters... and yet it is also abused by people we know and love in our homes, schools, church communities, places of business, etc. It's seen as harmless entertainment initially. It is seen as "no one's business." It is even seen as a sign of healthy sexual development.

But that "healthy sexual development" soon takes a nasty turn as it becomes addiction, consuming the consumer. It leads to isolation, withdrawing into oneself, a distorted view of women - seeing them as objects, not God's beauty.

If God created woman last, that she would be the crown of all creation - the most beautiful created thing in the world... her appearance in pornography would be akin to Van Gogh's "Starry Night" as the background of a dart board, in the basement cellar of a rundown liquor store. A porn film for a woman, just as the dart board in a basement cellar of a rundown liquor store, is no appropriate place for that kind of beauty.

In porn the focus is not on the woman's beauty. She becomes the subject, the object, for whatever actions may be put upon her. She lowers her own dignity to engage in acts at the will of her directors. She is not admired. She is not honored. She is not treasured. Her beauty is long forgotten in a whirlwind of the sexual desire which should have gone hand in hand with the passion from a man who promises before God to love her forever.

When a man sees a woman as crown of creation - when he sees her as God created her to be- he will seek to protect that beauty with his very life.

2) Sex outside of Marriage

In Scripture, the adulterous woman is scorned. Women hate her. Men see her as undignified, a sinner, and an object of their own lusts. Jesus reaches out to her, even despite the scandal it may cause Him to associate with her. Why? Because He sees her beauty and how her beauty has been abused and forsaken. She tries to tell Jesus that she doesn't have any husband, and Jesus, in the Scripture's most amazing case of quick wit, tells her... You're right! You've had five and the one you are with now isn't your husband! This Samaritan woman receives the living water of the Lord and does not go back to her old ways. She now realizes that she has something worth protecting.

When we as women give ourselves away whether it be sex or just dressing as to leave little to the imagination, we are saying with our bodies that what we have isn't beauty to be honored, but sexy to be taken. We don't demand that our men fight for us. We don't challenge them on to holiness. It is like taking our most prized possession and freely giving it away to empty promises or unfulfilled commitments.

Miley Cyrus gave an interview where she said that she behaves the way she does because she is comfortable in her sexuality. If you gave your brand new car to a guy you didn't even know and told him he could do whatever he wanted with it, people would not say that you are "comfortable" with loaning out your car. They would say that you must not care very much about that car. What we value, we protect. It says a lot about us if we value ourselves and our bodies by what we do with it - if we value it, we protect it. We dress modestly. We give it to the person who we love, who has earned it by his love and it is a mutual gift in marriage- not one-sided, "I give, you get", intended until death does us part.

3) Jealousy

This isn't technically a sexual sin, but the thing many of us struggle day to day with is to overcome is jealousy relating to beauty and sexuality. We are jealous of her body or his body or her boyfriend or his girlfriend. We want what they have. We want their personality, we want their circumstance, we compare and put down the gifts we have been given.

I used to be really jealous. I was jealous of my younger siblings for the attention they got and the looser restrictions they had (I'm the oldest!) and I was jealous of my beautiful relatives and friends. I was jealous of other women's bodies in particular, always comparing myself. I was jealous of other people's musical successes, their voices/monetary success.

I finally was able to have a real conversion from this when I started thanking God that the person I was jealous of had an amazing gift. I thanked God for my friend's beauty. I thanked God for my friend's successes. I thanked God and thus began a pattern of seeking beauty. I always tell my daughter she is beautiful - because I want it to be so ingrained that it becomes a matter of truth, not a matter of opinion. Once, we were at a restaurant and the waitress came to take our order. As she walked away, my three year old son said, "Mama, she is beautiful." I praised God right then and there that he always seeks beauty and not only that - says it out loud. I am thankful that I married a man who has a special gift to see beauty - he seeks holiness, which is true beauty! He seeks Christ in others, which is true beauty! I never worry when a physically attractive woman enters our lives, because he has made a habit of seeking true beauty and I have made a habit of seeking true beauty and we BOTH have made a habit of thanking God for this beauty.

You are beautiful. She is beautiful. I am beautiful.

I truly believe that if we could all start thanking God for the beautiful things and beautiful people we see, we will begin to be repulsed when we see abuses of that beauty, especially in regards to sexual sin. I believe women will begin to guard that beauty and give thanks to God for their fellow woman's beauty causing us women to support each other rather than turn into jealous, bitter ladies. I believe men will begin to fight for that beauty and defend women from another who would use that beauty for him or herself.

And....I believe...

the world will be a more beautiful place.

My Spouse Drives Me Crazy

I told my husband I was going to write this blog and he said, "Ah! Are you going to make me look bad?" Haha, no, I said... I'm going to make ME look bad.

Recently, I've been reading the book It is Well by Chris Faddis in which he tells the tragic, yet faith-filled, hope-filled story of losing his wife, Angela, to cancer. I followed Chris and Angela on their Facebook support page and cried at every post or picture posted. The posts spoke of very real suffering. The posts spoke of hope in Christ. The posts spoke of beautiful spousal love which transcended every mediocre version of love in movie or song, past feeling to dying to one another spiritually. The pictures showed their family loving one another through it all - both of their children hugging their mom on her hospital bed. I almost can't write about it even now, the intensity of suffering and faith that gripped our hearts and made us pray for a miracle.

There is a bigger Truth revealed in this book that hit home for me - a Truth I always knew, but hearing from someone who had put it into practice to the end rocked my world!

The Truth is: I am called to get my husband to Heaven.

Yeah, yeah, I know that and I do my best. But here's the other part of that:

My husband is the person God has chosen for me, to help me get to Heaven.

Let's read deeper... this isn't just about praying together. This isn't just about trying to guard the other's heart. This is about the CHALLENGES of marriage, specifically the challenge of being married to WHO you are married to!

(DISCLAIMER I want to clarify that I'm not saying if anyone of us is married to anyone abusive or unfaithful or irresponsible financially, etc, that it's something to be tolerated - I'm speaking today only of the normal, everyday annoyances and personality challenges that we face as married couples once the honeymoon is over!)

I have seen a lot of growth in myself, being married to David. He is more relaxed than I am, in general. His first response to crisis is prayer. My first response to crisis is panic, then prayer. :)

Chris Faddis talks about how we see the good and the bad of one another and how great it is that we can love each other beyond that. My husband's weaknesses, though, have a way of bringing about my weaknesses.

When he forgets to do something I have asked... I get frustrated and angry. Is that just his weakness -- or is it mine?
When he plays with the kids before bed while I am trying to calm them down for sleep and put the kibosh on all the fun..... is that his weakness -- or mine?
When he is running late in the morning because he took an extra long prayer time and I am mad that I put everyone's shoes on and he still isn't in the car -- is that his weakness or mine?
When he wants to be affectionate and gets his feelings hurt because I reject the affection in my own frustration that he doesn't understand I do NOT want anyone else to touch me that day... is that his weakness -- or mine?

Sometimes I think... AH! IF ONLY HE WOULD CHANGE this or that! Or Why, WHY, can't he see things MY way?!?!

Granted, there are legitimate things that he needs to work on. But more often than not... his weaknesses... the weaknesses I can so easily find in him (and overlook in myself), simultaneously bring up my own weaknesses... my weakness towards....

Impatience.... Self-centeredness... Frustration... Lack of Compassion... Lack of Humility... Lack of Generosity

These virtues are MUCH easier for me to practice outside of marriage, but oh-so-difficult to put into place in marriage... why? Because, I think we take advantage of the fact that we have seen one another at our worst, and are still loved. We assume the love and let ourselves get away with not really deserving it- nor even attempting to earn it.

So my spouse will get me to Heaven, not just by guarding my heart and praying with and for me.
He will get me to Heaven not just by being a loving father or a dedicated, faithful husband.
He will get me to Heaven just by being who he is  - who God created him to be, for me.

And as I pick up his laundry in the middle of the bedroom floor once again....

I will be a saint.

:)