I Don't Have to Be Good at That

Sorry for the delay in posting. It's been a busy advent!

Many of you already know that we are expecting our fourth child. The first trimester is really hard for me - I will basically explode in weight gain, feel nauseous 24/7, and have the energy of whatever the opposite of the energizer bunny is. So, just to keep up with regular every day stuff has been a challenge.

I haven't even worked out at all. I had an issue with my foot, then morning sickness hit, and I just can't over-exert myself or I am not a happy camper for the rest of the day. This has led to sort of a depression. I realize it is temporary and I'm thankful for the reason I feel this way - life! But gee whiz, I'm really, really bummed out.

I keep seeing photos on Facebook or articles or blogs on these fantastic Christmas projects, cookies, decorations, etc and I've been feeling like a failure. My gingerbread house with the kids looked like a gingerbread junk yard/shack. Lucia said it was a Christmas spiderweb. I haven't even yet found all our Christmas decorations, much less put them up. I haven't even finished Christmas shopping!

Then I remembered something...

I don't HAVE to be good at any of that stuff.

Let me say it again for my own sake...

I don't HAVE to be good at any of that stuff.

There are so many things I am not good at, that I have to do, but baking an assortment of homemade treats, carefully handcrafting personally made items for gifts, or having the Martha Stewart approved decorative home are not things that I HAVE to be good at. I'd like to be good at some of that stuff for sure, and maybe one year I will really have the energy to go all out....

But this year... this is what I HAVE to be good at...

I have to remember that Christmas "doesn't come from a store, perhaps Christmas....means a little bit more" -- That's from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" which I've been playing for my kids who also got a little too caught up in the gimmies and "commercial racket" of Christmas (Charlie Brown's Christmas) !

I am thrilled to give my kids presents on Christmas day. Even my husband - I can't wait till he sees what I got for him, because I put so much work into saving up for his gift. I'm excited about that Christmas morning. I'm not saying we shouldn't be excited for those moments or prepare for those moments doing whatever is left that needs to be done.

I just need to throw off the comparison shackles and quit thinking I fail at Christmas because others are so pro at Christmas fun!

I need to remember that Christmas isn't just about giving, it's about being generous. It's about being compassionate. It's about being humble. It's about receiving. Being open to receive... open to letting the joy and love of Christ's coming enter into my home. We sing songs about peace on earth and all that jazz, and yet I find this time of year absolutely chaotic! I need to be good at stepping back from all the things I wish I could do or would do but can't or just don't have time to do, and take a breath... and smile. And be a person that understands peace is in the stillness.

I need to follow the star in my own life, instead of chasing the traditions or activities that I feel I am "supposed" to partake in.

That night long ago... no carols... no parties... no jingle bells... just that quiet night where there shone a bright star in the sky. And all were filled with wonder and awe, rejoicing... Unto us a Child is born, A Savior, Christ the King.

Come, let us adore Him.

PS. Christmas cards will be late.

;)

She's Prettier Than Me

I have a confession to make.

I used to be a Green-Eyed Monster.

I was so insecure about myself, that I would stare at other girls --- not believing anyone would notice me... because I was invisible. I was ugly. I was fat. I was shy.

I watched other girls, not in a creeper way, but rather desiring whatever it was they had... beauty, athleticism, certain talents, charisma.

I never hated them, but I suppose it could have gotten to that point. I just desperately wanted to be like them, or even to be them.

One day, after confessing my jealousy for the umpteenth time, a priest said, "I want you to get in the habit of thanking God for whatever it is that you find yourself jealous about... I want you to say, 'Thank you, Lord, for making this girl beautiful.' or 'Thank you, Lord, for making this woman talented.' Even if you don't mean it. Say it."

I really wanted to conquer this nasty jealous beast which kept whispering in my ear,

"You're not good enough."

"You'll never look like her."

"You may as well give up."

"No one will ever like you as much as they like her."

It was eating away at my self-esteem and making me absolutely miserable.

So I cautiously began doing as the priest said. Whenever I met a beautiful woman, I would thank God for her beauty. Whenever I met a funny, charismatic, or outgoing woman, I would thank God for who she is and the gifts she has.

This LITERALLY changed my life.

My perspective is entirely different now, and I don't find myself to be a jealous beast anymore. After years of practicing this habit, I can honestly say I appreciate the beauty and talents I see in others. It really has caused me to see the unique personhood of each woman (or even man) I encounter. It makes me feel that my worth is not dependent upon what I have rated another person's worth to be. I'm not competing. I am who I am and you are who you are. I can acknowledge another woman's beauty or talent without diminishing my own. "She's a better singer than I am and that's... AWESOME!!" I feel more inclined to aspire to something greater than to give up and hide in my coat closet.

I still struggle with insecurity. I will always carry that cross, I think. But not in the way that I used to struggle - where I was insecure because I thought so little of myself and so highly (and highly jealous) of everyone else. These days I'm insecure as in, dangit why did I eat so much that now I can't squeeze into my favorite jeans. Or....  am I doing what I am supposed to be doing in ministry? Or, am I a good mom and wife? Those questions have real answers, but that's another blog topic!

I try to model this for my kids as well:

Wow, that guy is so strong! And you are strong, too, Damien.

That girl was so kind to play with us, wasn't she, Lucia? You girls play so nicely.

I want them to recognize their own uniqueness, while being able to acknowledge someone else's gifts.  I am so happy when Lucia matter of factly says, "That lady is so funny, Mom." Or "She is very nice to me." Or even "Look at her, she is so beautiful!"  If we spent more time thanking God for others, maybe we wouldn't have so much time to be down on ourselves, be jealous, or compare ourselves to other people. Maybe we would be more inclined to focus on who WE are and OUR own strengths and talents. Maybe we could better accept our own crosses, knowing that while other people have different strengths and talents, they also carry different crosses.

In the female land, but in mommy land in particular, this is such a difficult concept. Moms comparing whose house is cleaner and feeling like a failure. Moms comparing whose kids are smarter or more well-behaved... Been there! But before I let it get me down, I feel like it is important for me to thank God for those moms who have clean houses and well-behaved kids! I know it takes a TON of work to accomplish those feats! I also have to accept where I am at, that if I can't keep up or dress up or clean up... then those are areas I can keep plugging away at, but I'm also good at other things. When I wasn't cleaning the house, I was doing other productive things with my time, including taking a break!! When I was cleaning the house, I was contributing to my family's growth and health and sanity!

It's the simple, the mundane things that are really making us holy. ;)

That simple piece of advice so long ago -- to thank God for other people's beauty, talent, treasure, life, gifts, etc -- has changed my life, changed who I am becoming, and helped me get rid of the nasty green-eyed monster inside.

"When you are who you are called to be, you will set the world ablaze." - St. Catherine of Siena



Check out this Pinterest Rainbow Cake I attempted for my daughter's 3rd Birthday:

Here's mine:

Nailed It.

Tired of Being Tired

Tired of being tired...

Those were the words that jumped out at me at the Oremus prayer study we did at our Young Adult meeting tonight.  Lack of prayer takes sense of direction and purpose out of life. We just go through the motions and basically wonder... what is it all for?

I am so tired of being tired. It's not about getting enough hours of sleep, although I'd appreciate a couple extra. It's not about exercising or eating right, as I've been working on that mostly successfully...

It's about prayer!

I didn't realize that was the answer until tonight.

I've been so stressed, with so much to do, so much on my plate, so many battles I'm fighting with various stressful life situations, and trying to do it all just right, that I've let my prayer life slide once again.

The kids and I went to a Holy Hour this afternoon and it took me the full hour to get through one Rosary because my prayer looked like this...

"Hail Mary... STOP THAT, DAMIEN.... full of grace... DON'T TOUCH THAT DEAD BUG.... the Lord is with you... I TOLD YOU TO GO POTTY BEFORE WE CAME! Where was I? Sigh. Hail Mary...."

Yep. Literally.

In fact, the woman who showed up after me said, "You were counting down the minutes weren't you?"

Yes. Yes, I was.

Prayer has been chaotic, but it was so good to be reminded tonight that God wants me. He wants me. He desires me. No one desires or wants me like the Lord. No selfish reasons, no agenda, nothing He needs from me. He just wants me.

That set my anxious heart at peace.

That reminder helped me to see even where I have unrealistic expectations on others to want me like He wants me. To want me just because I am me and not because I'm needed... I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the constant whining in this house and the needs of my family day to day and the repetitive chores and work that have to be done and bills that have to be paid. I know that as I'm saying this it sounds selfish. I don't shirk my vocation as wife and mother, but..... Sometimes I just want to pack up the family and start a little tribe somewhere in the woods!

I'm really excited to be working on my prayer life. I definitely have a lot of work to do in that area. My prayer life is chaos. My life is chaos. I need the peace that stems from that intimate relationship with God.

I'm ready to accept His invitation... I just forgot about it in my stack of bills and junk mail...

Why, God?

Whoever invented taxes was a jerk.

"Hmm... I really think we should be providing this service and paying for my salary... how should I do this.. OH I'll force people to pay me."

Ok, I get it, there are lots of benefits to taxes... roads, schools, libraries, civil/public services, firemen, police, and other important stuff.

But dang.

Alas was my sticker shock when I went to renew my license plate tags.

"That will be $523.27, " she said.

First of all, if I was asking for that money for a dang sticker on someone's car, I'd be handing them a glass of wine simultaneously.

"What? Five dollars and twenty-three cents?" I said.

"No, $523.27."

"What? FIVE HUNDRED? FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!" I said as I pulled my chin off the floor.

"Yes, FIVE TWO THREE POINT TWO SEVEN."

I just about burst into tears.

All I kept thinking was something about death and taxes and I'm so ready to live in a tent somewhere on an island with my family. An island with bountiful fruit trees.

Oy.

Why, God? Why can't we ever seem to get ahead?
-------

I went to our family Holy Hour by myself today and as I was praying the Joyful Mystery of the Rosary (When the angel Gabriel announces to Mary that she is to be the Mother of God). I noticed that she asks, "How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?"

She asks, "How can this be?" How can this happen?

I reflected on other times that the people in the Bible ask the Lord, "How can this be?"

One is 2 Kings 4:43 But his servant said, “How can I set this before a hundred people?” So he repeated, “Give it to the people and let them eat, for thus says the Lord, ‘They shall eat and have some left.’”

One is in John 6, I am the living bread which has come down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live for ever; and the bread that I shall give is my flesh, for the life of the world.'

52 Then the Jews started arguing among themselves, 'How can this man give us his flesh to eat?'

53 Jesus replied to them: In all truth I tell you, if you do not eat the flesh of the Son ofman and drink his blood, you have no life in you.

Jesus says He is the Bread of Life and His followers ask, "How can this be?" How can this happen?

Then of course there is doubting Thomas. Poor Thomas. He just wanted proof of the Lord's resurrection. 

In each of these instances of someone asking the Lord, "How can this be?" He gives them explanations. He never says, "Shut up and just do what I say." Even though, really, the fact that He instructed us to do something should be enough for us to, well, do it. But He doesn't operate like that. 

He answers their questions. I never noticed that before. I always dwelt on Mary's humble submission and Thomas' lack of faith. The Lord says, "Blessed are they who have not seen and yet believe." I thought that meant that to question God is somehow sinful. 

But, the Lord asks us to have faith like a child. When my children ask "Why?" it is because they seek truth and they seek understanding. It's not that they don't trust me, it's that they genuinely want to know the answers. That's the kind of faith we are called to have. 

Faith, sometimes, seems like it's blind. We get caught up in advocating trust and surrender in this sort of passive, blind way. The Lord shows us in these passages that it is okay to cry out, "Why God?" or to ask Him "How can this be?" He isn't a magician who refuses to part with his secrets. He is an all-knowing God who sees the bigger picture beyond what we are capable of, allowing us to ask why and bringing us the answers we need and the signs of hope in Him.

So if you're wondering what the heck is going on in your life, ask Him. 

There is a distinctive attitude difference between Mary and Thomas, though, that is key to our questioning... 

Mary was open, but Thomas had already decided he would not believe -- " But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”

We have to be open. When we ask, "Why, God?" We have to be ready for the Truth. We have to seek the Truth. We have to be open to the Truth. Not our truth - His Truth. 

Many times this cry occurs during a tragic time and can easily lead us to despair. We can probably all look back on points in our lives and see how what was once so terrible, has made and shaped us in some way, hopefully for the better. What once seemed insurmountable, we have overcome.  If we seek out answers, not just guided by our feelings at the moment, but really an openness to what God is calling us to, we will have peace, and He will give us the assurance we need. 

I hope and pray that walking as people of faith, we realize it isn't a blind-folded trust walk. It is an active following the Lord where He leads, eyes open and fixed on Him. It is a choice that calls us to put one foot in front of the other. It is a trust that bears fruit in understanding, joy, and peace. 

Praying for all of you who still have to renew your taxes in Ford County, Kansas. I'm already starting to save up for next year...

Why, God? 

:) 

Racism, Hatred, Peace, Justice

I am someone that loves to stay up on current events.

I am also someone that loves to try to see things from different angles. I feel that this ultimately makes my own convictions stronger and also helps me keep an open mind to where I need to reevaluate my own position, always, always through the lens of love, faith, and striving for sanctity.

As I've been watching the events unfold in Ferguson, Missouri, my initial reaction was, like many, to pronounce judgement. How could that white officer just shoot and kill that young black man? He was just a kid. My heart was filled with sorrow.

But I never like to jump on the social media bandwagon, no matter what the issue is.

I have seen the reaction of media, Catholic leaders, speakers, musicians, friends, strangers, etc.

I have seen people say that you can't have an opinion on this that isn't 100% against Officer Wilson if you are white.

People... no matter your race, if you see things in the lens of black and white races, you will never see things through the eyes of Christ.

I reeled back from the vehemently hateful and angry responses, the vitriol which surprised me, spewing out of the mouths of people whose knowledge of the case comes from headlines and social media. I did my own research and I realized...

You know what... we need to take a breath. And we need to be patient. We need to wait for the investigation before we hang the officer for his crime, error in judgement, murder, self-defense, whatever it may have been, in his mind, at that time.

Before anyone feels the urge to slam me, please finish reading.

I am not a racist. My father is Mexican, my mother is Anglo, my sisters are Hispanic, African American, and Caucasian. My father in law is Italian and Irish and my mother in law is Puerto Rican. My family is a rainbow. We are all different religions, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc. I consider myself very open minded. Every summer was spent in inner city Memphis in the projects working with the Missionary Sisters of Charity. I stand by my beliefs in what is morally right or wrong, but I am actively trying to see past where we are different and try to see the human dignity in every person.

I do this because I have realized a tendency in myself -- which I have worked so hard to overcome, with incredible help from my holy husband -- to let anger turn into hatred.

This is how our hearts are hardened...

Someone has wronged you. You are angry, rightly so. Everyone tells you that you have a right to be angry. You keep talking about it, reliving it. You are unwilling to forgive until reparation is made. You hold onto the anger like you will lose your passion for justice if you let it go. You feed it with other people's anger. The anger becomes harder and more intense. It grows and occupies most of your thoughts throughout the day. You become filled with hate. You start to view others with suspicion. If anyone doesn't affirm your righteous anger, you see them as an enemy. The anger builds until it becomes how you see the world. A world not filled with love and hope, but desolation and destruction.

It destroys you.

This is what is happening in Ferguson. And this is happening to those of us who have already cast the stone at Officer Wilson's feet.

Here's the unfortunate thing... you seek justice, but will never find peace.

Luke 6:34-35 "If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. 35"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. 36"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

I do not know what happened that night and to assume so would be fairly foolish.

"What is your source?" 

"Uh, the nightly news, YouTube, and Twitter." 

"Were you an eyewitness?"

 "No, but I saw some video footage on Fox AND MSNBC, so it must be true." 

"Do you know Officer Wilson personally?"

"No, but he's a white man and white policemen are known to be racist."

"Do you know Michael Brown personally?"

"No, but he was college bound."

While it may seem clear to some that this case is cut and dried, I challenge you to wait for the details. The more you are convicted without investigation, the less you are open to truth. 

I have experienced racism. My family has experienced racism. I have experienced sexism. I have experienced ageism. I have experienced discrimination based on the fact that I am Catholic. Other Christian churches practically put the scarlet letter on me when someone comes up to ask if I would speak at their church and then discover I am Catholic. Discrimination and Racism are realities of the world we live in, because people are more comfortable with people who are more like them. It's not just a white issue. It's a... being human issue. 

Those filling their social media with hateful proclamations of racism and judgement are guilty of doing the same thing they claim Officer Wilson did -- rushing to attack. 

One of the most beautiful responses I saw to this entire thing was a girl who was in my small group at a youth retreat awhile ago. She is now a young, married mother. A black woman who serves our country in the US Army. This is part of what she said: 

I know the world is crazy and lost its mind but my friends.. Please stop blaming "white folks" my father, the man on my birth certificate, that I knew up until 12...a white man. My maiden name is from a white man. I went to an all white school, when I graduated and when into the army a white family took me in. My daughter recognizes a white man and white woman as grandparents.. Let's not forget to mention.. My "white" education was supported by my black mother...and Im adopted.. So that white man and black woman TOGETHER chose me and my black brother... But I bet you wouldn't know it by looking at me...... Humans are humans you cannot blame corruption and sin on white people or color just because they are the ones the media chooses to highlight. 

I know this girl, and when she speaks out, she is speaking out with the intent and desire to love people more deeply regardless of race, sin, sex, creed, corruption. Her words in seeking justice are out of love. 

Please, especially those who have lots of influence by your position in society, the Church, school, etc. Please reevaluate how you have been reacting to this tragic situation, from one of anger and hatred, to one of mercy and love. Come together and pray for Michael Brown and Officer Wilson. Come and pray and work so that there doesn't have to be so much tension between people and police, white and black, Mexican, Catholic, Protestant, Atheist, etc. 

Pray for humility. Pray to see people as Jesus sees them. Ask for help to forgive. Pray to love people as Jesus loves them. Love the people in your life, forgive the people in your life. Pray to be a person of peace. 

There are no saints that withheld forgiveness, going to their death in an angry tirade for justice, taunting their persecutors. Passionate for justice truly means passionate for peace, love, and mercy. 

Love and mercy have to be regular disciplines of His disciples. And that's hardcore. Way harder than throwing a brick into a store window, yelling and screaming about injustice, and sending Officer Wilson to his own death. 

It will never help a heart to repent or to love you. 

It has a greater chance of making them hate you. 

It will never help you to love, but only increase your own hatred. 

I, myself, have been praying for my own areas in life that I need to forgive and let go of anger, so believe me, this is a journey we are all on together. 

I am still recovering from the anger in my previous blog... 

My whole body was tense, knots in my stomach, sleepless nights. While I have every right to be angry and believe me, this fight for advocacy for adequate mental health treatment that is not dictated by insurance companies and hospital policies over people isn't over... I realize I need to take a breath, focus, and figure out what I can do. What I CAN DO. Not just a general rant of "what should be done" but what I myself, with the connections that I have, the gifts that I have, the ministry that I have, am capable of doing. 

I already am working on it, friends. Please pray for me too. 

I'm not asking anyone to give up the fight for justice. I am asking you to understand what justice, through the eyes of faith really is. And it is framed in love and peace. Not hatred and division. 

Praying for Ferguson. Praying for my friends who are truly hurting because of this tragedy. 

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

The Casualties of Suicide

This is probably the most passionate article I have ever and will ever write. I have perused the threads on this topic, in the larger context of Robin Williams' death until I've been physically ill over the comments and debates. It is almost impossible to not offend someone when commenting on the sensitive issues of depression and suicide.

I am someone who has been on both sides of the issue and just feel the cathartic need to share some very important thoughts - thoughts that are rarely considered in the debates that I have been witnessing, and it is truly a tragedy in and of itself that such an important topic has become laced with anger and division. We are speaking of life and death, and the utter war people wage on a daily basis between the two.

From the inside, suicide is never an act of free will unless it is in the context of suicide bomber. It is a result of the devastatingly painful loss of hope. When I was a teenager, suicide seemed like the only way. I felt I had no options and I lived in a very, very dark place in my heart. I was scared I would go to hell if I killed myself, and that ultimately saved my life, but I do wonder if had I not had a life-changing experience of the love of God at a retreat, if I would have cared about that at all. For the seriously depressed, it is the legitimate belief that the world would be better off without you. It is the legitimate belief that people will not care if you are gone. It is the legitimate belief that the pain will all be over soon. It is not a rational thinking process. There is no weighing of the pros and cons.

Many, many medications that are supposed to control these desperate feelings actually contribute to them. I remember someone very close to me would one second be a zombie, and the next completely unhinged. I looked up the medications and found that manic episodes was a side effect. Being on a medication doesn't necessarily fix the problem. Many counselors, psychiatrists, and psychologists through no fault of their own struggle to understand the depth of the issue. Depression is a physical ailment, a disease, much like cancer. It is a cancer of the mind but people who suffer it are often ostracized because it can be draining to be around someone with depression. It can be maddening to have to excuse certain behaviors because of mental illness and the inability to reason with that person. It is frustrating to not be able to heal it quickly or in a specific time period as you would heal a broken leg. It is the unseen blackness that spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically kills.

From the outside, suicide is a selfish, abusive act. It is something none of us who know people who have killed or tried to kill themselves can fully understand. The anger and volatile grief that arise from the living victims of suicide are just as legitimate as those of the person who lost the will to live, and we must not forget that. Those loved ones that discover in shock the body of a friend or family member will forever have that last image etched in their mind. Those loved ones who will forever live with the guilt that maybe they could have done more even if nothing more could have been done will find it hard to move forward. Those angry and disillusioned feelings are entirely valid and should be given the same respect as those who are suffering the depression themselves. Even Scripture says that when one part of the body suffers, the rest of the body suffers.  Most of the people I know who struggle with depression are aware of the sad reality that it affects all of their relationships. There are others who don't, because they legitimately cannot feel empathy in the midst of their own struggles. There are those who care deeply for those who struggle with depression but have no idea how to help.

People struggle on different levels with depression and so our experiences vary greatly, but I will never, ever, ever, ever tell someone that their feelings on that matter are not valid. That would be like telling someone who has stage 1 cancer that they can't possibly be as scared and suffering as someone with stage 4 cancer. Everyone's individual experience is valid, it is their own, and not one of us has the right to tell someone otherwise.

What we can do is pray, reach out, come forward with our struggles, seek help, advocate for help for others, and do our best to just be present to those who need us, even if by their own choice in suffering, they have isolated themselves.

Don't ever, EVER tell someone they don't understand. Because some things, we just don't know.

Every life has worth. Every life is worth fighting for, and God proved His love in showing us that every life is worth dying for.

And as I finish writing this very emotional post, I ask for prayers. As we speak, someone I love very much is in the ER for a mental health related issue.

Thank you and God bless.

He IS Loving You Through This

"I Praise You for I am Wonderfully Made"

This is my most requested talk. The story of my testimony from cutting and suicidal thoughts because of my low self-esteem... to national speaking and music ministry stemming from a moment in time where I realized God's incredible, amazing, awesome, inexhaustible love for me. 

See... I used to cut because I hated myself. I hated that God didn't make me beautiful.  It's true. By all societal and physical standards, I was not beautiful. I was overweight, had braces/crooked teeth, dressed sloppily (in part because I hated my appearance anyway), had bad acne, etc. I felt my whole life revolved around my being ugly. I was shy. I was jealous of my younger siblings and the attention they got - I'm the oldest - and I didn't have really any close friends. 

I used to cut, because I used to hurt. 

That emotional pain was a struggle. I stayed up late and I slept late. I napped after lunch. I was lazy. I over ate. I just didn't care about life and didn't feel like I had a purpose in this life. 

I attended a retreat when I was about fifteen that changed nothing yet changed everything. In this retreat Doug Barry from Radix did a one man Passion Play where he described and acted out the Passion. He described every graphic, bloody detail of the death of our Lord in a way that I had never really heard or even understood before. I never knew the pain and humiliation He went through for me. More than that, I never knew the desperation He felt for my soul. 

Hearing this for the first time, and experiencing worship in Adoration for the first time, rocked me to the core. It was undeniable that my Savior loves me. 

And that is enough. 

That was enough for me to stop cutting and to start healing and loving God, loving myself, and loving others. 

I didn't change right away. Some things changed pretty slowly - like getting my braces off! - and some things didn't change - like battling insecurity, but I am worlds away from the person I used to be, because I've learned to turn to the Lord in these difficult moments where I am struggling to love others, myself, or even Him. 

This past year has been extremely difficult, but I know I can't complain too much. So many people have it harder than I do. We have, however, been very blessed in spite of the challenges. 

Still... some days, it was hard to get out of bed. Not because I was depressed, but because I knew the day was full of many difficult things to do and many things that I felt I just couldn't handle. I didn't want to face the pile of things that had to be done. 

One moment. 

One moment, one moment with Christ changed my life. 

One moment is powerful!!!!! It is a point in time which can never be repeated. 

During these past few weeks, months... through every hurdle I faced, my marriage faced, or my family faced.. I just took one moment to say, "Help me Jesus. I trust You."

Even if I struggled with the words... 

And I got out of bed. 

Those times when we feel we can't face the day. It starts with taking a moment - just one moment - to ask for help. We can't stop there... we have to get up. Take that first step out of bed, out of the boat, out of the house, wherever...

We have to keep going. 

God will provide what we need and He WILL love us through each moment of the day. That love is our fire and our fuel! 

My instinct even now is not always to turn to God during a difficult time... first I need to call someone, y'all! 

I need to talk all about it and ask for advice. My husband is great at asking me, "Did you pray about this?" That sometimes makes me angry. :) But it's true... praying - really praying, not laying it all out there, talking the whole time, thinking the whole time, and coming away from "prayer" with just as much turmoil in my heart...but really praying. Just saying, "Lord, You know what I need." And listen. Surrender. 

Sometimes I imagine sitting at Jesus' feet and laying down, physically, each person or intention or worry or fear that I have at His feet. There is freedom. 

You know, though, one of the most awesome things is God isn't like that annoying boyfriend that you constantly have to call or text or you never hear from them... (Not that I have one of those anymore! )... He is just as eager to communicate with you as you are with Him. He pursues you. He pursues me. You don't have to believe me. He proved it before you even existed. 

Anyway... I really felt inspired to write this tonight. If you know someone who is hurting and needs a little encouragement, please share this blog or your own faith story!

I pray that the eyes that these words are meant for may experience the amazing love of God and come to know Him more deeply -- not out of religious obligation, but out of the desire for the relationship that will change your life forever. :)

Love. :) 

What the Heck are You Waiting For?

My two year old daughter is very perceptive. She is extremely in tune to people's feelings and makes observations that amaze me for someone so young. 

The other day, I was on my computer and she asked if I would get her something to drink. I mindlessly said, "Sure honey, just a minute." 

She said, "Just a minute? But Mom, why? What are you waiting for?" 

I think the Holy Spirit took over my child's mouth and spoke those words to my heart. HA! 

Seriously!!! What are you waiting for??

I've been praying strongly for various people in my life to open their hearts to the Lord and His love and mercy for them. There are many paths that people take in pursuit of Truth, but I think if we are honest, many of those paths are seeking a truth that conforms to our lives. We don't often honestly seek a truth that we conform ourselves to...

Logically, this makes no sense. I know people constantly switching from one religion to another because they disagreed with a teaching or didn't believe x, y, or z should be considered wrong and thus make them feel guilty. Guilt = bad, nowadays. I completely disagree with that notion.. guilt means we have a conscience and are sensitive to the fact that perhaps our poor decisions or actions have affected someone else. 

But I digress...

If we want to become a better version of ourselves, as Matthew Kelly would say, we have to aspire to change and mold and conform ourselves to something better. 

For example... when I do a Jillian Michael's fitness video, I think... DANG, those girls are ripped! I would like to be in that kind of shape someday. A person who looked and could exercise just like me in my own abilities would indeed be less inspiring to me to want to work out - because I've reached that point already. 

I want to be better. Human nature longs for improvement - this is why we read, learn, exercise, take music lessons, go that extra mile, try to be more patient, etc. But we can't improve in something we've already achieved... so when we look for religion to conform to our lives, requiring no change on our part, we will find ourselves greatly unsatisfied. 

I think pursuit of Truth really comes down to two things we ought to strive for: Love and Mercy. How can I love more deeply? How can I forgive more sincerely? How can I die to myself and my selfish desires in this moment? How can I let these things that bother me go? 

Can you do this outside of a religion? Sure. But who is holding you accountable? Who is setting your standard of holiness? Who inspires you to be greater than you are? 

Pope Francis has inspired millions of Catholics and non-Catholics alike by his example and witness to what it is to conform your life to Christ. He's not inspirational because he's the Pope. He's not inspirational because of his personality. He's inspirational because he is trying to be more like Christ! I know so many people in my life who inspire me on a daily basis by their great love and mercy. Who they are and their amazing, genuine, unselfish contribution to the world is made manifest because they have tried to conform their life to Someone greater. 

We all have our individual pursuits of Truth. I've wandered around seeking... my husband as wandered around seeking... we all have, even if we consider ourselves faithful to one religion or no religion. But I think we have to really be honest and ask... are we seeking to stay the same, unchanged, and find something that pacifies us and our lifestyles? Or are we seeking to move and grow and be challenged to change? 

And if we are seeking to be challenged to change, then what are we waiting for? Why are we waiting to be who we say we are or be who we want to be? Why are we waiting for someone to invite us? Why are we waiting for a sign in the sky? 

Why can't we follow, instead, the promptings of our hearts? 

Prayers tonight for all on their journey. Amen. 

When I Grow Up, I want to be Her Husband

"Hey Mommy!" said my three year old, almost four year old son as he jumped on to his bed for his night time story.

"Hi Sweetie!" 

"I need to tell you something. When I grow up, I am going to be Lucia's husband." He said with a big smile!

"Honey, Lucia is your sister. You can't be her husband but you can always protect her. A different lady will be your wife someday."

He was confused, but in true three year old fashion, changed the subject right away. 

That conversation struck me though, and almost made me want to cry. In his innocence, and as young as he is, he has a true love for his sister. He loves her so much that he wants to be with her forever. He couldn't imagine anyone else taking her place. 

What kind of love is this? This is the kind of love we all long to give and the kind of love we all long to receive. 

But as we get older, we break a little more easily. 

As we get older, we lose our purity of heart through sin, abuse, neglect, trials, sufferings of any sort, and that love starts to come with price tags and conditions. 

I will love you as long as you never hurt me. 

I will love you as long as you live up to my expectations. 

I will love you as long as you don't love anyone else but me, 

My children get it. They get that free love. This is, in part, why I love the movie, "Frozen". Anna and Elsa have a true love for one another that isn't broken through the years. It isn't suddenly swept up in emotions and hormones from a prince charming entering the picture. It is through good and bad, cold and warmth, everlasting. 

This is the kind of love we are made for. Nothing else will satisfy us. This is the kind of love that a child can give with all his or her might! But this is the kind of love that only God can give, that lasts and heals and will never change. It will never have a price tag or a condition. It is freely given to us who want it and accept it. 

It is arms open wide, outstretched on the cross, pouring down from our Savior's side. No one can take our place. No one can take His place in our lives. 

This love calls us to love beyond earth and feelings and hormones and romance and plants us deep into the heart of Christ, where we can learn to love like Him. 

I fail so often at loving people. I start to feel bad when I'm short tempered or impatient or struggling to forgive - It is easy to feel like a failure and let that consume me. When I look to the cross, though, I see that love requires sacrifice. To love authentically really means to put another person before yourself, and while I may never be called to give up my life in death for someone I love, I am called to die to my self, my own selfishness, my own pride, my own way of doing things and LOVE that person, SERVE that person, and PRAY for that person. 

God bless you tonight and I pray we can love more. "What the world needs now... is love, sweet love..." Not fluffy gone in a day love, but everlasting Love. 

Amen! 

And We Remember How He Loved Us

Palm Sunday & Holy Week....

I love this solemn week. 

Some people would say it is depressing, but I am filled with such awe and reverence as we walk, this week, with our Lord as He journeys to the cross for us.  In such a concrete way, we are taken back 2000 years ago and walk with our Lord His journey to the cross. We read the vivid descriptions in the readings, reenact the waving of the palms and foot washing, kiss the cross on which our Savior died. 

The sights, the smells, the touch, the taste, the sounds of the Passion of the Lord. 

And yet, it's not a history lesson.Holy Week is the perfect summation of our Spiritual lives. In seven days, the Gospels capture for us an entire lifetime worth of faith. 

Palm Sunday (the Conversion!) 

This weekend we have a party for Jesus…initially! In Jesus’ time, as He entered into the temple all were hailing Him and worshipping Him, laying palm branches at His feet and giving Him treatment worthy of a King. 

I can’t help but apply this to my own life, when I have one of those “God moments” – a retreat experience or an experience of Christ so undeniable that I am excited to pray and worship Him and “do anything” for Him! It's that spiritual high that makes you want to rejoice from the rooftops, "MY God! I love you! My God, I worship You!" Or... "I'm in love! I'm in love! And I don't care who knows it!" 

How quickly we get to see if our faith is deeply rooted or if the words of Christ fell on to rocky soil. 

Holy Thursday (The test) Those who were so excited to be with Jesus and give Him royal treatment surround Him as He gives His flesh and blood in the Eucharist and one by one, they are tested in their faith. 

One betrays. 

One denies knowing Jesus. 

They all fall asleep when He asks them to pray. 

In my life where I have I betrayed (sinned)?

Where have I denied knowing Jesus (not stood up for what I know to be right)?

Where have I fallen asleep (not made faith in mine and my children’s lives a priority)? 


Good Friday (Repentance)  Upon realizing what they’ve done, the Apostles each react so differently. 

One stands with Jesus all the way to the foot of the cross. He perseveres. John.

One repents and weeps bitterly. Peter.

One despairs and takes his life. Judas.

Our Lord proves His love for us in dying for us – each and every one of us. 

How do I react to my sin and betrayal of the Lord? Do I despair and walk away from Him altogether? Do I repent and feel sorry for myself? Or do I repent and persevere in my faith, even as it takes me to the foot of the cross?

I’ll be honest… over my life it has been a mixture of all three! But at the cross, Jesus looks to John, His beloved disciple, and entrusts to him His own Mother. Jesus builds His Church on Peter, the repentant denier. The only one who went without was the one who did not return, Judas. 

God takes all of our weakness of faith, our love of Him, and our sincerity of repentance, and He uses us in spite of those things to build His Kingdom. He redeems us!

Easter Sunday (I am Made New Again!) Jesus’ glorious, triumphant Resurrection shows us that He is Lord of all and not even death can hold Him back. He shows us defeat of sin and redeems the world unto Himself. He shows us sin has no power, and He reunites us to Himself once again! Once again, we are healed. And we walk with Him into next year, living the Triduum every day. 

May we stay with Him this time, persevere and rely on Him during the tests of our faith, so that we can walk to the foot of the cross and rise with Him. 

Let us being Holy Week not as a history lesson or brand new Easter dress, but as participants in this most Holy Mystery of our Faith. Let us walk with Him.... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgDM9GNbRm4

I Failed at Lent

Normally, I can't stand blogs that glorify epic fails. It's practically trendy to have five mountains of laundry or a bad hair day and blog about how terrible you are at life, but I am writing this blog not to glorify my failure, rather to show you what I've learned from it. 

I spent a LOT of time thinking and praying about what to give up for Lent. I was already on a healthy eating crusade, so giving up some type of food just seemed more like a diet versus a sacrifice. I know that any food sacrifice would have tempted me immediately to vanity and scale watching. Plus, the whole first week of Lent, I didn't eat anyway, because I had a stomach bug!

I don't watch television, so that was out. I tried to limit my phone time, but then the kids all got perpetually sick and we've had various situations that required my immediate, lengthy, and time-consuming dwelling in the virtual world. Aside from the business and dramatic end of being connected to my phone like it was an added appendage, I just needed an outlet! No good comes from having a news app, by the way. Don't do it.

I tried to add more prayer and have been mostly successful, but was so, so discouraged by missing Masses due to sick kids who always seem to get sick on Saturday nights and into Sunday mornings. Due to David's work schedule, trying to take turns going to one Mass while the other stayed home with the kids was extremely difficult and sometimes impossible. Oh, and sometimes one of us was sick, too! 

I've been asking the Lord, "WHAT, What do You want from me? I just can't hear You and I'm sorry that I can't seem to get Lent right this year." 

I've been feeling like an epic Lenten failure. Disconnected from Mass, seeing other people graciously abstain from sweets and soda or even some who are doing service work.  They seem so connected to their spiritual growth and Lenten sacrifice, and it kinda makes me feel like I fail at Lent. 

Here I am, in the middle of Lent, still asking... Lord, what can I do for Lent, to help me grow in holiness? 

Monday night, I went to Confession.  It's been a really rough few weeks for a number of reasons, but the least I could do is repent and get rid of my sins and ways I've acted uncharitably during these weeks. After I had finished confessing my sins -- (My husband said, "You sure were in there a long time!" haha) -- the Bishop (yep, Bishop) said to me that he knows a mother who, when things get crazy, just makes the Sign of the Cross right then and there. I thought to myself, Ok, that's nice, I can do that, just to refocus and center myself on Christ. And I walked away... 

As I came home, however, frustrated that the events of the past few weeks have left me with a mountain of laundry and entire house to clean, I reflected on what the Bishop said. Make the Sign of the Cross. The Cross. 

The Cross. 

All of a sudden it dawned on me. Lent is about taking up your cross. When I used to think of carrying my cross in the context of Lent, I thought it was the cross I chose for myself, like giving up caffeine (actually that's more like forcing everyone around me to take up their crosses in dealing with me, ha). I thought the cross was my choosing and my doing.

But it's not. The cross is a cross chosen for me. I can choose to take it up or be a giant whiney pants about it. But the cross that is chosen for me is the cross that will get me to Heaven. It is the cross that will enable me to grow in the virtues I lack and strengthen the virtues I've been given by grace. This cross is the cross uniquely picked for me that will set an example to others around me in similar circumstances who are on the fence about taking up their own cross and on the fence about following Jesus. 

The Lord is telling me, through the suffering I am dealing with and have dealt with the past few weeks, to carry the cross HE has allowed me to endure. He is asking me to suffer a little more graciously and to offer it up. The cross I've been carrying has weighed me down and practically smothered me, because I've been telling the Lord that I need a different cross and that I don't need Him. I haven't relied on Him completely. I've relied on me completely and I know I fell more than three times.

Jesus needed help carrying His cross. Why should I think I'm stronger than the King of the Universe? (Even though I've been doing a LOT of strength training....)

I need to relax. I don't have to wear a burlap sack to make this a fruitful Lent. I need to bear my sufferings with holy patience and love. I need to quit worrying about my Lenten activities and start practicing daily holiness not just in the times when it's easy to feel God's love.

That's my call this Lent.

The Lord has shown me He works in our desire for holiness, but He also works in our shortcomings.

It's funny that I had this revelation the week after the Gospel reading about Jesus healing the blind man. Sometimes we can't see that we are blind.

Open my eyes, Lord. Amen! 

I Don't Give Up on You. I Surrender You.

I just returned last week from an amazing trip doing music ministry at LA Congress in Anaheim. While I was performing at the World Library Publications booth, I introduced my song, "Serenity" based on the Serenity prayer (and available on iTunes *wink*) as a song about surrender and letting go and submitting to/following God's will. The words to the refrain are

"Lord give me the serenity to stay where I am, 

the courage to take another step, 

and the wisdom to know I can't do either without You." 

After I finished the song, a woman approached me, holding my CD's, and said, "Was that song called, 'Let Go'?" And I said, "No, that's a different song." She said, "I thought you said this song is about letting go?" 

I had to laugh. A lot of my songs are about surrender, letting go... releasing my hold on things I can't control! It is an ongoing theme in my life. (She bought both CD's, so maybe we have something in common!) 

Above daily chores, health, stress, or responsibilities, I think it's hardest for me to let people go. 

"I love you and you are Mine" is one of my favorite lines from a song, spoken from Scripture. It is so difficult - near impossible for me - to say, "You love him/her and he/she is Yours." 

I don't have any trouble at all with "You love him/her." It's the "Yours" part that I have trouble with. 

My son. My daughter. My husband. My mother. My father. My sister. My brother. My friend. 

Mine, Mine, Mine. 

Not. Yours. At least we can share responsibility, ok, Lord? 

When our loved ones are sick, dying, leaving the faith, or making self-destructive choices, our instinct is to grab on to them, to grasp and cling to maddening, smothering affect. We feel unsettled, hurt, frantic, every muscle tense, trying to figure out what WE can do. What I can do. And we feel like failures if we can do nothing. We feel powerless and helpless. We would die for that person to be healed, to turn back to the faith, or to choose a better life for themselves. 

But Someone already did die for this person to be healed, turn back, choose life. 

Jesus. Jesus, You died before I breathed my first breath. You died for my loved ones before they opened their eyes in this world. Jesus. 

Why can't I trust? Why can't I know beyond my mind and deep down to the core of my being that God loves this person more than I do and is pursuing them more than I can? Why is it so hard to remember that this person's healing and salvation is not in my hands? If I don't believe these things, then I can't adequately say that I believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God. 

I have to let you go. I have to surrender you. 

I don't let you go in the sense that you are hanging from a cliff and I release my hold on your hand, letting you fall to your destruction. Rather, I carry you in my heart and I gently place you in the hands of our Savior who loves you more than I do. All your needs, all your desires, all your questions, all your sickness, all your struggles, everything. 

And I let go. You are His child. Not mine. In trusting me with your care, my son, my daughter, my husband, my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my friend... the Lord has given me great responsibilities. I will love, forgive, care for, and pray for you. But above all, the greatest thing I can do for you, is gently place you in our Father's hands who knows your heart more than I ever could and Who can satisfy you more than I am capable. 

He loves you, and you are His. 

Amen. 

She is Beautiful

My husband and I have wrapped up a few weeks of local speaking engagements and Q&A sessions on all things regarding teens' ideas of sex, dating, and relationships. It has been interesting on many levels. I realized how little I knew about any of the aforementioned topics when I was their age and I realized that relationships and maintaining purity in those relationships is the struggle that is on their minds and the battleground of their hearts - a battleground upon which an all out war is being waged.

I am not blogging tonight to discuss all of the topics that came up in our time listening and learning about these beautiful young people. Though there were many areas for celebration and many areas of heartbreak. I am blogging tonight about giving glory to God for beauty. Every sexual sin is a distortion of God's created beauty. Let's dissect a few...

1) Pornography.

Even though porn is becoming a woman's addiction too, I am going to address it from the more common occurrence of the male addiction. Porn is the number one common thread behind all molesters, predators, cheaters... and yet it is also abused by people we know and love in our homes, schools, church communities, places of business, etc. It's seen as harmless entertainment initially. It is seen as "no one's business." It is even seen as a sign of healthy sexual development.

But that "healthy sexual development" soon takes a nasty turn as it becomes addiction, consuming the consumer. It leads to isolation, withdrawing into oneself, a distorted view of women - seeing them as objects, not God's beauty.

If God created woman last, that she would be the crown of all creation - the most beautiful created thing in the world... her appearance in pornography would be akin to Van Gogh's "Starry Night" as the background of a dart board, in the basement cellar of a rundown liquor store. A porn film for a woman, just as the dart board in a basement cellar of a rundown liquor store, is no appropriate place for that kind of beauty.

In porn the focus is not on the woman's beauty. She becomes the subject, the object, for whatever actions may be put upon her. She lowers her own dignity to engage in acts at the will of her directors. She is not admired. She is not honored. She is not treasured. Her beauty is long forgotten in a whirlwind of the sexual desire which should have gone hand in hand with the passion from a man who promises before God to love her forever.

When a man sees a woman as crown of creation - when he sees her as God created her to be- he will seek to protect that beauty with his very life.

2) Sex outside of Marriage

In Scripture, the adulterous woman is scorned. Women hate her. Men see her as undignified, a sinner, and an object of their own lusts. Jesus reaches out to her, even despite the scandal it may cause Him to associate with her. Why? Because He sees her beauty and how her beauty has been abused and forsaken. She tries to tell Jesus that she doesn't have any husband, and Jesus, in the Scripture's most amazing case of quick wit, tells her... You're right! You've had five and the one you are with now isn't your husband! This Samaritan woman receives the living water of the Lord and does not go back to her old ways. She now realizes that she has something worth protecting.

When we as women give ourselves away whether it be sex or just dressing as to leave little to the imagination, we are saying with our bodies that what we have isn't beauty to be honored, but sexy to be taken. We don't demand that our men fight for us. We don't challenge them on to holiness. It is like taking our most prized possession and freely giving it away to empty promises or unfulfilled commitments.

Miley Cyrus gave an interview where she said that she behaves the way she does because she is comfortable in her sexuality. If you gave your brand new car to a guy you didn't even know and told him he could do whatever he wanted with it, people would not say that you are "comfortable" with loaning out your car. They would say that you must not care very much about that car. What we value, we protect. It says a lot about us if we value ourselves and our bodies by what we do with it - if we value it, we protect it. We dress modestly. We give it to the person who we love, who has earned it by his love and it is a mutual gift in marriage- not one-sided, "I give, you get", intended until death does us part.

3) Jealousy

This isn't technically a sexual sin, but the thing many of us struggle day to day with is to overcome is jealousy relating to beauty and sexuality. We are jealous of her body or his body or her boyfriend or his girlfriend. We want what they have. We want their personality, we want their circumstance, we compare and put down the gifts we have been given.

I used to be really jealous. I was jealous of my younger siblings for the attention they got and the looser restrictions they had (I'm the oldest!) and I was jealous of my beautiful relatives and friends. I was jealous of other women's bodies in particular, always comparing myself. I was jealous of other people's musical successes, their voices/monetary success.

I finally was able to have a real conversion from this when I started thanking God that the person I was jealous of had an amazing gift. I thanked God for my friend's beauty. I thanked God for my friend's successes. I thanked God and thus began a pattern of seeking beauty. I always tell my daughter she is beautiful - because I want it to be so ingrained that it becomes a matter of truth, not a matter of opinion. Once, we were at a restaurant and the waitress came to take our order. As she walked away, my three year old son said, "Mama, she is beautiful." I praised God right then and there that he always seeks beauty and not only that - says it out loud. I am thankful that I married a man who has a special gift to see beauty - he seeks holiness, which is true beauty! He seeks Christ in others, which is true beauty! I never worry when a physically attractive woman enters our lives, because he has made a habit of seeking true beauty and I have made a habit of seeking true beauty and we BOTH have made a habit of thanking God for this beauty.

You are beautiful. She is beautiful. I am beautiful.

I truly believe that if we could all start thanking God for the beautiful things and beautiful people we see, we will begin to be repulsed when we see abuses of that beauty, especially in regards to sexual sin. I believe women will begin to guard that beauty and give thanks to God for their fellow woman's beauty causing us women to support each other rather than turn into jealous, bitter ladies. I believe men will begin to fight for that beauty and defend women from another who would use that beauty for him or herself.

And....I believe...

the world will be a more beautiful place.

My Spouse Drives Me Crazy

I told my husband I was going to write this blog and he said, "Ah! Are you going to make me look bad?" Haha, no, I said... I'm going to make ME look bad.

Recently, I've been reading the book It is Well by Chris Faddis in which he tells the tragic, yet faith-filled, hope-filled story of losing his wife, Angela, to cancer. I followed Chris and Angela on their Facebook support page and cried at every post or picture posted. The posts spoke of very real suffering. The posts spoke of hope in Christ. The posts spoke of beautiful spousal love which transcended every mediocre version of love in movie or song, past feeling to dying to one another spiritually. The pictures showed their family loving one another through it all - both of their children hugging their mom on her hospital bed. I almost can't write about it even now, the intensity of suffering and faith that gripped our hearts and made us pray for a miracle.

There is a bigger Truth revealed in this book that hit home for me - a Truth I always knew, but hearing from someone who had put it into practice to the end rocked my world!

The Truth is: I am called to get my husband to Heaven.

Yeah, yeah, I know that and I do my best. But here's the other part of that:

My husband is the person God has chosen for me, to help me get to Heaven.

Let's read deeper... this isn't just about praying together. This isn't just about trying to guard the other's heart. This is about the CHALLENGES of marriage, specifically the challenge of being married to WHO you are married to!

(DISCLAIMER I want to clarify that I'm not saying if anyone of us is married to anyone abusive or unfaithful or irresponsible financially, etc, that it's something to be tolerated - I'm speaking today only of the normal, everyday annoyances and personality challenges that we face as married couples once the honeymoon is over!)

I have seen a lot of growth in myself, being married to David. He is more relaxed than I am, in general. His first response to crisis is prayer. My first response to crisis is panic, then prayer. :)

Chris Faddis talks about how we see the good and the bad of one another and how great it is that we can love each other beyond that. My husband's weaknesses, though, have a way of bringing about my weaknesses.

When he forgets to do something I have asked... I get frustrated and angry. Is that just his weakness -- or is it mine?
When he plays with the kids before bed while I am trying to calm them down for sleep and put the kibosh on all the fun..... is that his weakness -- or mine?
When he is running late in the morning because he took an extra long prayer time and I am mad that I put everyone's shoes on and he still isn't in the car -- is that his weakness or mine?
When he wants to be affectionate and gets his feelings hurt because I reject the affection in my own frustration that he doesn't understand I do NOT want anyone else to touch me that day... is that his weakness -- or mine?

Sometimes I think... AH! IF ONLY HE WOULD CHANGE this or that! Or Why, WHY, can't he see things MY way?!?!

Granted, there are legitimate things that he needs to work on. But more often than not... his weaknesses... the weaknesses I can so easily find in him (and overlook in myself), simultaneously bring up my own weaknesses... my weakness towards....

Impatience.... Self-centeredness... Frustration... Lack of Compassion... Lack of Humility... Lack of Generosity

These virtues are MUCH easier for me to practice outside of marriage, but oh-so-difficult to put into place in marriage... why? Because, I think we take advantage of the fact that we have seen one another at our worst, and are still loved. We assume the love and let ourselves get away with not really deserving it- nor even attempting to earn it.

So my spouse will get me to Heaven, not just by guarding my heart and praying with and for me.
He will get me to Heaven not just by being a loving father or a dedicated, faithful husband.
He will get me to Heaven just by being who he is  - who God created him to be, for me.

And as I pick up his laundry in the middle of the bedroom floor once again....

I will be a saint.

:)