Love, Submission, and BDSM

******************NOT FOR THE YOUNGER READER. ALSO, IF THERE IS A FACT MENTIONED THAT YOU WOULD LIKE A SOURCE FOR, PLEASE MESSAGE ME. I COULD NOT JUSTIFY LINKING TO SOME OF THE RESEARCH DUE TO ITS GRAPHIC CONTENT. MOST OF THE INFORMATION HERE SHOULD BE EASILY VERIFIABLE, BUT IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE LET ME KNOW***************************

I've been inspired to write this blog for awhile, but really, really had to pray to guard my own mind and heart on the research that I knew I would need to do on this article to satisfy my (new) readers! I already had plenty of anecdotal experiences - especially through my national ministry- of the wounds that extreme sexual behavior causes enough to where I could make a few generalizations about the BDSM community, but I needed to go further.

****This is a very delicate subject for some, so please close this out with a quick prayer if you are not able to handle triggers of abuse, rape, violence, etc. I will keep you in my prayers as well. ****

A few important notes to consider: I always write from a spiritual perspective. I write my views from the Catholic standpoint and position regarding the dignity of the human person, our call to love God, and our call to love others. I write from the standpoint that while you or I may vehemently disagree on a point, we can still love one another and find common ground in mutual respect, for the mere fact that we possess dignity and are wonderfully made in the image and likeness of God.

All of that said... Let's get down to business.

Ephesians 5:21-30: Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the Church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed Himself over for her, to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So also should husbands love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the Church, because we are members of His body. 


You all know the verse. It often makes people's arm hair bristle.  But I would like to kindly suggest that this verse doesn't mean at all what you have previously been led to believe by those seeking to advance their own agendas whether they be toward the liberal or conservative spectrum of things.

The very first line calls us to "be subordinate to each other". Meaning, mutual respect and giving. Paul doesn't stop there, though, he explains further: "Wives should be subordinate" and husbands should "love their wives as Christ loves the Church." 

Women are called to give to and serve their husbands. 

Men are called to give their lives up for their wives. 

They each bear an important role and responsibility to lead their families and one another to Christ. My husband and I often joke about this verse -- he will tell me I need to obey. I will respond, well then you need to die for me!   Each part of the verse refers to total gift of oneself, love, and serving one another. 

Paul then goes on to tell men that they should love their wives as their own bodies. The two become one flesh. Each person gives themselves entirely to the other, receiving the gift of the other person entirely. This is what Paul is talking about - mutual giving, self-sacrifice, and leading each other to Heaven. This is a Trinitarian love. The Trinity is this eternal exchange of love - the Father pours Himself entirely out. The Son receives that gift and gives it back ("To You I Commend My Spirit") and that eternal exchange of love literally is another Person - the Holy Spirit. When a man gives himself to his wife and she receives that gift, giving herself back, that love can become another person, and possibly 9 months later you give that love a name! It is life-giving love whether or not a child is conceived. Total, Faithful, Free, Fruitful. Trinitarian love, the IMAGE AND LIKENESS OF GOD is literally stamped into our bodies and imaged in the family, in that marital love and embrace. This is a glimpse of "Theology of the Body" by St. Pope John Paul II.  Read it!

I bring up this verse simply to set the framework for what is going on in our society today. That the word "submission" is no longer "to give", but to allow various behaviors to be done to you for sexual pleasure.

Enter: 50 Shades of Grey and BDSM.

(I am not going to define BDSM. If you don't know what it means, you're better off not knowing.)

Now, I don't care about the book or the movie. I read excerpts of the book and the writing was so horrendous that I never thought it would turn into the blockbuster it is rapidly becoming.

THAT is what concerns me.

What upsets me is not the erotic language of the book, nor the pornographic nature of the movie, but the normalization of BDSM, and the celebration of a relationship (regardless of BDSM) that is horribly dysfunctional and abusive.

This is NOT normal.

BDSM is NOT normal behavior. People will argue that if it is consensual, it is legitimate. But did you know that, at least right now, consent is not an adequate legal defense?  Even if the bodily harm was not serious, consent is extremely difficult to prove. 

So how did we get here?

Pornography is the springboard, so to speak, for this behavior. Over 88% of pornography contains physical and verbal abuse of women.  The women in the films didn't fight the abuse, they just accepted it. I know women watch porn as well, but in general the vast majority is male on female violence. Even while filming "50 Shades", the actress who plays the character Anastasia actually received whiplash from being thrown so many times during one scene. This is not okay.

Even advocates of BDSM who do workshops in favor of this activity talk about the tendency of BDSM to become over the top violent, the tendency of women to be afraid to say when they are uncomfortable, and the tendency of men to ignore when a woman does state her objections. One advocate wrote an essay entitled, "I Never Called it Rape", talking about how she has been assaulted numerous times within the BDSM community and that the community tended to shame the victims and protect the abusers.

Sexual arousal is good and natural. It's when it becomes the driving force over love in one's interaction with the opposite sex that it becomes a problem. People can be sexually aroused over many things, but those things aren't always good for you. Pornography literally changes the brain. (There are many sites to support this, but www.fightthenewdrug.org is an easy, comprehensive, safe site to navigate.) Deliberately hurting and humiliating another person for the sake of mutual sexual arousal is never okay. It is never respectful. It is never loving. It is self-serving and it is the next fix in a line of pornographic addictions and inability to become aroused without the extreme stimuli. Even if one person "wanted it", I would pray that the other party would have the courage and love to say, "I will not hurt you. I will not abuse your body. I will not call you vulgar names even in role play. I will not subject you to humiliation I will treat you with the utmost respect and tenderness because I love you." The problem is once this Pandora's box of porn and BDSM has been opened, people find it hard to become aroused without the external stimuli. 56% of men have said that their porn tastes have become more extreme. Even the Huffington Post did an article telling men if they want to be off Viagra, they need to give up porn! Like a drug addict, a porn addict (whether male OR female) needs more and more stimulation to retain the high. 

Unfortunately, the studies on BDSM that I could find (whether in favor or against) were extremely limited and poorly conducted -- there is more scientific research on pornography and violence at this point, though I'm sure the research will be out soon on the effects of BDSM on perception of the opposite sex, one's own self awareness, and the ability to bond in love and intimacy without toys or tools. One of the studies I read, in favor of BDSM, actually talked about the post-scene. The research described that the couple "cuddled" after the verbal and physical violence in order to reconnect.

Reconnect?

Sex is supposed to be the ultimate connection and expression of love. In that study, the researcher proves a point - in BDSM we are in a sense removing many of those connections that make sex intimate and instead reduce it to pure erotica, purely carnal. One article I read said, "So, if you're interested in BDSM, you need to decide if you want to do the humiliating or receive the humiliation. You need to decide if you want to abuse, or to be abused."

WHAT.

In other articles, many couples spoke favorably about their communication during their time of BDSM. That sounds positive, right? And actually, the book Holy Sex! by Dr. Gregory Popcak agrees that communication is essential in having a good, holy, intimate, amazing sex life. The problem is, the modeling of good communication in BDSM falls along the lines of, "This is how I am going to hurt you and talk to you, is that okay?" And when it crosses the line, "Stop." Some of the examples of "limits" that people may make that I read on one instructional website (on the same page where it states BDSM is NOT violent!!) included, "No permanent damage" and "no drawing blood."

If it's simply arousal and climax that sex is about, then I suppose we could say a lot of things fall under that.

But if sex is an expression of love, these things are positively unacceptable and, frankly, utterly repulsive. 

The modeling of good communication in Holy Sex is very different. It's, "How can I show you that I love you? I like it when you do this or that."  And other sex/LOVE positive language.

Another pro that BDSM advocates say is that BDSM is all about trust. This is super bizarre to me, because you are "trusting" that your partner is going to hurt or humiliate you in the way that they have stated they would do so. If I was robbed at gunpoint, and the robber said, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot you!" I would certainly trust that if I don't give him all my money, they would shoot me. So, I guess you could say that yes, trust does exist in BDSM relationships (the ones where the limits aren't overstepped, anyway).

In Holy Sex trust is about trusting in your spouse's faithfulness to the relationship. It is in trusting your spouse to keep sacred your vulnerability, your strengths and weaknesses as a whole person, and that what you do is an expression of love. It is in trusting that you will not be an object of lust to your spouse, but that your spouse will love you "as he loves his own body... to nurture and cherish it." It is in trusting that you are enough for him/her and that they don't need to seek the images of another person to satisfy sexual urges, but rather their sexual desire is fulfilled in love and expression of love for you.

If you (are married and) want a great sex life, read Dr. Gregory Popcak's book. He actually also explains the effect of pornography physically on a man, and how to overcome some of those obstacles in the marital relationship for the best experience of sexual intimacy. He explains how a woman may need a man to be more gentle at different times for her own physical comfort. He explains how man and woman can both mutually express their love in enjoyable ways. He also runs a phone counseling service, if you are in a marriage that needs help.

We're not taking the fun out of sex. We're saying no to abuse and degradation. We're saying no to normalizing humiliation and violent behavior. We're saying no to 50 Shades of celebrating an abusive relationship.

I firmly reject the notion that someone who loves me would desire to hurt and humiliate me for sexual pleasure. I will not worship sexual arousal over mutual respect and love and I will not seek that arousal at the expense of hurting or humiliating my husband.

Back to the Scripture verse... In submission, in the Christian sense... we don't submit to whatever behavior someone wants to inflict upon us. We give willingly for the benefit of our love and relationship, leading one another to Christ. The suffering and humiliation Christ endured for us was not self-serving. It was endured for our sake, that we could receive the ultimate and complete gift of Himself, literally poured out on the cross. It was the ultimate giving and expression of love.

That's the kind of love and relationship that lifts up. In the mutual gift of self, that's the relationship I am blessed to have. That my husband loves me in a way that lifts me up, respects my dignity, and gives freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully -- not in the sense that we have a bunch of kids (only 3 + 1 on the way) - but that our love bears fruit and good things in the world.

Thank you for reading with an open heart. If you want to debate me, I really won't be changing my perspective, but I'd be open to reading any "counter" blog. Due to the graphic nature of the subject, and my need to handle it sensitively due to my younger ministry following, all correspondence regarding this blog must be privately messaged or emailed to me. Thank you and God bless. May your relationships be total, faithful, fruitful, and free. Amen.

Merry Christmas Letter :) Love, McHughs

Wow! What a year!

It's a year I'd rather not repeat in many ways, but also had many blessings. We've had a few health scares within our extended family, a very sick start to the year for our family, and oh yeah.. that pesky old IRS audit.

God has provided though, and all has been beautiful overall. Here are the TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS of 2014 thus far...

10. We bought our first house. It's so nice to have a place to call our own and fix up the way we like. We've done a lot of work, but there's still a lot left to do! That's my 2015 resolution... finish!

9. The ministry has picked up and is going great! I just recently signed on with One Voice Media as an artist with them and they have been so good and faithful in taking the booking portion over for me. I was up to my ears in all the contracts and emails and paperwork. They have been such a blessing to us! We will be launching my new website just around the corner of 2015... so stay tuned.

8. We ran a mostly successful GoFundMe campaign http://www.gofundme.com/9mm60s   and recorded our first independent CD with Mike Ofca at Innovation Studios! It's just been mastered and now we are working on the CD art and saving up to be able to mass produce the CDs.

7. We started our first year of homeschooling. It's had its ups and downs. I love, love, love teaching the kids and watching them learn and hear them repeat what they've learned and spend time with them. But I have also found... I need a break! I'm going into this next semester with that in mind. More structure and more break for me. Let's just say at my last Confession the priest suggested I need to get away and go to Vegas... haha. :) But we plug away! We'll see how it goes!

6. David's job is going really well. I am so proud at what he has been doing at the parish. It's a really dynamic place and he's had great support from the community here, great team, great staff, great parents, and great teens. This has been a good place for us. I had so many fears, moving to a new place, working at a new parish, pastor changes the first few months, but it's really been good!

5. I got a Lighthouse CD.... that's pretty cool. http://www.lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/getting-others-to-heaven

4. David and his youth group won a video competition and the video was shown to the Pope. That was pretty AMAZING! : ) Just waiting on our invitation to the Vatican...

3. We connected with the website that David and I met on... www.avemariasingles.com and will be partnering in some ministry opportunities with them! Including a past retreat and an upcoming cruise!! My parents will be coming in to watch our kids, so while I will miss them SO MUCH David and I will enjoy the time together to focus on our marriage and help others with their vocation discernment!

2. We won the lottery!! Just kidding. But...

1. We are expecting BABY #4 at the end of July 2015!! So in a way,  we did win the lottery. A lottery of children. ;)  We are happy and excited. (Praying for a girl... can I do that?) :P


MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope your year has been good and we would love to hear from you!

God bless!! Many prayers for you and yours this blessed week!

I Don't Have to Be Good at That

Sorry for the delay in posting. It's been a busy advent!

Many of you already know that we are expecting our fourth child. The first trimester is really hard for me - I will basically explode in weight gain, feel nauseous 24/7, and have the energy of whatever the opposite of the energizer bunny is. So, just to keep up with regular every day stuff has been a challenge.

I haven't even worked out at all. I had an issue with my foot, then morning sickness hit, and I just can't over-exert myself or I am not a happy camper for the rest of the day. This has led to sort of a depression. I realize it is temporary and I'm thankful for the reason I feel this way - life! But gee whiz, I'm really, really bummed out.

I keep seeing photos on Facebook or articles or blogs on these fantastic Christmas projects, cookies, decorations, etc and I've been feeling like a failure. My gingerbread house with the kids looked like a gingerbread junk yard/shack. Lucia said it was a Christmas spiderweb. I haven't even yet found all our Christmas decorations, much less put them up. I haven't even finished Christmas shopping!

Then I remembered something...

I don't HAVE to be good at any of that stuff.

Let me say it again for my own sake...

I don't HAVE to be good at any of that stuff.

There are so many things I am not good at, that I have to do, but baking an assortment of homemade treats, carefully handcrafting personally made items for gifts, or having the Martha Stewart approved decorative home are not things that I HAVE to be good at. I'd like to be good at some of that stuff for sure, and maybe one year I will really have the energy to go all out....

But this year... this is what I HAVE to be good at...

I have to remember that Christmas "doesn't come from a store, perhaps Christmas....means a little bit more" -- That's from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" which I've been playing for my kids who also got a little too caught up in the gimmies and "commercial racket" of Christmas (Charlie Brown's Christmas) !

I am thrilled to give my kids presents on Christmas day. Even my husband - I can't wait till he sees what I got for him, because I put so much work into saving up for his gift. I'm excited about that Christmas morning. I'm not saying we shouldn't be excited for those moments or prepare for those moments doing whatever is left that needs to be done.

I just need to throw off the comparison shackles and quit thinking I fail at Christmas because others are so pro at Christmas fun!

I need to remember that Christmas isn't just about giving, it's about being generous. It's about being compassionate. It's about being humble. It's about receiving. Being open to receive... open to letting the joy and love of Christ's coming enter into my home. We sing songs about peace on earth and all that jazz, and yet I find this time of year absolutely chaotic! I need to be good at stepping back from all the things I wish I could do or would do but can't or just don't have time to do, and take a breath... and smile. And be a person that understands peace is in the stillness.

I need to follow the star in my own life, instead of chasing the traditions or activities that I feel I am "supposed" to partake in.

That night long ago... no carols... no parties... no jingle bells... just that quiet night where there shone a bright star in the sky. And all were filled with wonder and awe, rejoicing... Unto us a Child is born, A Savior, Christ the King.

Come, let us adore Him.

PS. Christmas cards will be late.

;)

Advent: What are YOU doing? Guest Post by Deacon Chip Jones

What Are You Doing?

Where did the year go?  It seems like it was just January!  But here we are, at the first Sunday of Advent!    

Advent is a season of the year in which the Church is “waiting”. Not waiting in lines in stores (though we will); not waiting on orders from Amazon.com; not waiting on the next sale.  Advent is a time of waiting…for Christ!

And I think it’s interesting that the culture’s focus goes, so early, to all the warm-and-fuzzy Christmas images, of the baby Jesus (if they can stand Him), and snowmen, reindeer and candy canes.  It’s interesting, because as Church, we spend the first half of Advent focused on the second coming of Christ, which is not going to be a warm-and-fuzzy event at all.  And the themes are a little…cautionary, to say the least.  “Keep watch! The Son of Man will show up like a thief in the night!  Don’t get caught sleeping!”  The first half of Advent is all about being prepared for the Last Judgment, not soft and cuddly stuff!

And being prepared for Christ’s return should be the focus of every Christian life.  But how we are waiting…and what we are doing while we are waiting…that’s far more important than just “watching and waiting”.

Isaiah describes, in today’s first reading, a people who have “wandered” from God’s ways.  And the prophet prays that God will return, and that God “might meet us doing right!”  Isaiah describes Israel in extreme terms: you are angry, and we are sinful; all of us have become like unclean people, all our good deeds are like polluted rags”.  He is describing a people that has turned its back on God, and yet Isaiah still acknowledges that God can help them get back on track! 

The Gospel isn’t any more comforting; it’s short and sweet, but still kind of threatening:  Be watchful! Be alert!  Don’t let me come back and find you sleeping!  Watch!

But see…these aren’t happy, feel-good readings; we can be tempted put a big “Doesn’t apply to me!” stamp on it, and stop listening.  Or we can hear them and say “Yep, Got it!”, check the box, and still stop listening.

It really isn’t the stuff of touchy-feely Christmas Cheer.

But there is more to these readings than scary words.  Look back to the parable Jesus used in this Gospel:  “It is like a man traveling abroad.  He leaves home and places his servants in charge, each with his own work, and orders the gatekeeper to be on the watch.”  Brothers and sisters…the master left His servants with work to do.  And what did Isaiah pray?  “Would that you might meet us doing right, that we were mindful of you in our ways!  

A few of us might be total reprobates, the worst of the worst; if you are, and you’re here…Thanks be to God! There’s hope for you! But honestly, most of us aren’t evil people. We are just making our way through the world the best we can, with gifts we have, trying to do right. 

But Jesus isn’t talking just to the best of us.  Isaiah isn’t talking about just the worst of us.  They’re both talking to all of us.

What do I mean?  Well...if we are traipsing along in life, making it to Mass, but not much more, thinking that the sin in our lives isn’t really that bad...we are wrong!  Likewise…if we are sitting in the church every day, praying, reading the Bible, and figuring everything is OK, but doing nothing more…we are wrong, too!  God needs more than that out of us!

I know…it’s Advent, Christmas is coming…and I am bringing everyone down!  Besides, what do I expect?  I mean, if you’re coming to Mass, isn’t that a good thing? (Yes!)  If your kids are involved in Youth Ministry, or Religious Ed…isn’t that a good thing? (Yes!)  And if you’re spending time in Adoration, or praying the Rosary, or the Divine Mercy Chaplet, or reading the Bible…isn’t that good? (Yes!)

But brothers and sisters…God has armed us to do even more!  And He did that because the work He left for us to do wasn’t about doing our own thing, or even about saving our own soul.  It was about doing things, using our talents, to bring forth fruit for the Kingdom!  And how do we do that? We do it by working wherever God calls us to, according to our state in life, to lead other people to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ!

So, you come to Mass?  Invite your neighbor! You’re involved in a Bible study?  Ask about helping to start one for the young adults or the youth! Your kids are in Youth Ministry?  Suggest they invite a friend (even a non-Catholic one)!

Do you know any Hispanic members of your parish family?  Meet some!  Or spend time with the folks you already know!  Join the Knights of Columbus; work with St. Vincent de Paul.  Buy a devotional for your family, and commit to praying from it, as a family, every week, or even every day!  But whatever you do…do something, intentionally, to advance the Kingdom!  Because, brothers and sisters…we are called to work for the kingdom, not just “watch!”

The culture wants us to focus on the things that make us feel good: snowmen, and candy canes, manger scenes and Christmas trees.  And all those things are nice, in their place.

But as we enter this season of Advent, there is so much more that God is calling us to think about.  

When we remember that Christ is coming back, and that it means something that He’s coming back, it ought to make us look closely at our lives, to see how we are living, and to change what we can do be prepared for His return.  And we ought to be watchful. We need to be ready.

But we also need to be working.  And thanks be to God that He has equipped us for the work we need to do!  As Paul said in the second reading, we are all equipped with “the grace of God bestowed on [us] in Christ Jesus, … with all discourse and all knowledge, … so that [we] are not lacking in any spiritual gift as [we] wait for the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

We already have the toolkit we need to work for the Kingdom. We have already received the grace we need to do what we have been called to do!

Watching is good.  But working while we watch...That’s what we’re called to do.

So…what are you doing?

A Love Letter

Haven't blogged much lately, but I have been doing a lot of reflecting..

As you all know from my previous blog post, "If I Should Die Before I Wake", Brittany Maynard's tragic story of being afraid of dying to cancer and instead choosing to take her own life was really, really devastating to me. One thing that did strike me, the silver lining in a hopeless situation, is that she made a point to say goodbye to her loved ones, as some people on their death bed have the blessing to do. It's a shame she took her life and I don't ever wish that upon anyone - I don't believe it is "dying with dignity" I believe it is dying with fear of the future. People all over die with dignity despite the physical suffering, emotional torment, dependency on others, suddenness... because being loved gives them that dignity. Whether their lives are taken by illness, abuse, old age, wreck, abortion, or no explicable reason... love gives us dignity in life and in death.

This isn't the original intention of this post, though. I started to think about what I want my kids and husband to hear from me, should I not have the opportunity to have a "final countdown" so to speak... should I die unexpectedly. I know this seems morbid, but in my mind, it is beautiful because I truly try to live an intentional life. I do my best to love and serve, though imperfectly, often laced with insecurity, impatience, sin, and selfishness. For example, just today... I had to apologize to my kids for losing my temper, taking toys away and basically telling them they couldn't have fun ever again! It was literally just one thing after another, but I know that's no excuse.

I especially reflect on my mortality and love of family when we are separated. I am flying to El Paso for an event this weekend, and I will miss them terribly, but they know that "Mommy goes to tell people that Jesus loves them." And they want to grow up to do that too. It would be so amazing to me if they did. Every time I travel, I really consciously have to surrender my family and my own future.

But what I would say to them is this...


My Beautiful Children, My Holy Husband,

If you should ever learn anything from me, I pray that it is that you know and believe that God loves you so much. Sometimes I look at you each, so different, and I am so full of love for you that I could burst. I see how you love each other and I know in those moments I am experiencing Christ Himself.

Just love.

When you do something wrong, and I am upset at first, I am moved to forgive you not just because you are sorry, but because I love you so much. In these moments, I imagine how God has mercy on me, in the same way.

Be merciful.

I hope that you saw me have a welcoming heart and welcoming home. I hope you saw me treat others with respect and kindness and generosity and when I didn't, I hope you saw me apologize and ask forgiveness. I hope you saw me forgive others. I hope I was a good example of "doing unto others..." I mainly just hope you saw me start over day after day, because that's really what being holy takes. Sometimes we fall so we can get back up again.

Don't ever give up.

My boys... I pray especially for your virtue of chastity and honoring women. I pray that you know what it takes to be a man. You are a defender and protector. Your dad is my true love because he puts Christ first and would do anything to protect me from not just physical harm, but spiritual harm as well. I was his first kiss, and that was a priceless gift to me. Be a holy man of God, because that is the most deeply desired quality in a woman's heart. Be a holy man of God, because you will make your mama so, so proud. I never stop praying for you, ever.

My daughter or daughters, should I be blessed to have another :) You are beautiful. Always listen when your dad tells you that you are beautiful because he loves you and wants the best for you. Let him be the man that you hold all other men up to. He is the standard, don't let anyone love you less. though it would be pretty hard for anyone to love you more. Pray everyday. Your holiness makes you beautiful. It makes you loving and kind and forgiving and hopeful. Sure, don't neglect your appearance, but know that when you have the light of Christ in you, that is the most attractive quality in the world. I never stop praying for you, ever.

My holy husband, David. I know that I have a long ways to go in the area of good wife and mother. I know you have suffered greatly through my lack of culinary expertise. But I want you to know that I'm your biggest fan. I believe in you and I love you. When you pray every morning, you remind me to not neglect my relationship with the Lord in the midst of our crazy lives. You are the one that brings our family close to the Lord and I am so happy that you will teach our boys to be men of God and show our daughter, or daughterS someday, what to look for in a man. I know that no matter what, we will always meet in the Eucharist.

I love you.

I love you Damien, Lucia, Elias. I love you, David.

I hope I tell you that everyday. You are the best gifts I've ever received. I can't believe sometimes, that I have the privilege to be your wife, your mother.

God must really, really love me.

Love, Mommy/Noelle

You Did Not Choose Me, No I Chose You - GUEST POST JOHN ANGOTTI

This week, I invited my friend, John Angotti, whom I have known for over fifteen years, to share his adoption story. John is a Catholic recording artist, speaker, and music missionary. He uses music to share the Gospel to people of all ages, nationally and internationally. He was instrumental in my own ministry, mentoring me, and helping me to grow in my own talents and confidence. I am blessed to call him friend over the years, and so very thankful that he was willing to share his story on this blog. 

This is National Adoption Month. Many of you know I have three adopted siblings. I rarely think of them as adopted, because we grew up very close and love each other deeply and have been through a lot together. At the same time, I don't know what it is like to be adopted, nor do I realize the pain of realizing that someone didn't want, couldn't care for, or was forced to give their child up. I don't know the wonders of what could have been or what should have been. 

But an adoption is a beautiful gift and witness of our faith because it is to be chosen. To be loved as not an obligation or simply familial tie, but as a free will choice. Yes, there are crummy adoption stories (and crummy non-adoption stories), but the point is that choosing to love is at the crux of our faith and what it means to be Christian. 

"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you, that you might go and bear fruit-- fruit that will last-- and so that whatever you ask in My Name, My Father will give you." -- John 15:16

Thank you, again, John for this message. 




ADOPTION IS THE OPTION – the story of an adopted child.

This story begins a long time ago in a small town called Lost Creek, West Virginia.  A young beautiful petite 16-year-old girl, who lived on a farm, fell for a handsome athletic 17-year boy who had lost his mother at an early age and lived basically in poverty with his father and brother.  The young girl ended up getting pregnant but tried to hide it from her father.  It would have been a disgrace to the family.  She continued to work on the farm but wear large clothes to hide her pregnancy.  She confided in her sister and some family and friends.  Then one hot day in August as she was helping on the farm, her water broke and the reality of her situation was made known to her father who was furious.  This was an embarrassment for him and the family so they rushed her off to a neighboring town to have the baby.  Nestled up on the mountain top in Phillipi, West Virginia was Alderson-Broadus Hospital where she gave birth to a baby boy.  It was a difficult delivery with a lot of blood and pain but both her and the baby survived.  A day or so later after she recovered, she silently went to the nursery, said goodbye to the life she had just brought into the world, and her life went on.  The baby didn’t have a name so the nurses named him Joseph.

Joseph was then put with an adoption agency and within a month he was placed in a family that had already had adopted two other children and even a couple years after they adopted him, they adopted another.  This family was a Catholic family of Italian decent where the mother was a musician.  As Joseph grew up he always knew he was adopted.  His parents always let the children know that they were chosen.  But he struggled.  He always felt he didn’t fit in.  His cousins all had dark hair and dark skin and they all looked alike.  His older brother had medical problems and his older sister was needy and required more attention than he.  So Joseph spent a lot of time alone.   He grew up being mandated to take piano lessons.  He hated those piano lessons, but his mother insisted.  She made sure the routine of practice occurred daily.  Going to church was something else that wasn’t an option for the family.  Faith was important to the parents.  The father grew up during the depression.  His family came from Italy for a better life but struggled through this era holding on to each other and God.  The mother was also a product of parents who came from Italy for a better life as they struggled.  The work ethic and Italian family values and traditions of the parents were instilled in Joseph.  He may not have had all Italian blood in him but he had the Italian heart.  

Joseph’s parents were very strict.  He wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things his friends were allowed to do, so while he was attending Catholic High School, he visited the Preparatory Seminary where he felt called for a couple of reasons.  One was that he felt free there.  Another one was that the living conditions seemed attractive. There was an indoor pool; sports that he loved; the mall was close; it seemed like he would have more fun and escape the rigid life at home.  But mainly it was the music at the Mass that pulled on his heart.  It was a calling that he couldn’t define but felt it.  So off he went to spend his last three years of high school.  His parents were so proud that he was in the seminary to discern priesthood.  But inside he felt freed and that he belonged.  

Because of those mandated piano lessons, Joseph excelled musically.  He became the lead musician of the all male choir and planned all the music for the school masses that occurred daily.  Music was a big deal at the high school seminary.  The choir toured every year and between his junior and senior year, the choir master, Father Magary, decided to record a cassette.  Joseph was the lead cantor on the recording at 16.  

Joseph went onto the college seminary for a year, met a girl, struggled with his grades and ended up at West Virginia University.  He graduated with a degree in marketing and finally couldn’t ignore the music that continued to call him from within.  He went on to musical school and was the lead singer in the US Navy Band.  He always felt something missing in his life and was always drawn to church not on his own but because his adopted mother would encourage him to go and participate with his musical gifts.

After his Naval journey and working in the business world, playing in bars and rock bands, and struggling through relationships he met Tracy.  They got married and the road was rocky from the beginning.  After a difficult time Joseph began to realize that something was wrong with him.  He didn’t want to live anymore and had thoughts of ending it all.  But he sought help to figure out what was going on inside of him.

Through counseling, tears, facing fears, and lots of prayer, Joseph found out that he suffered from something called “separation anxiety.”  Separation anxiety is what many adopted children have if they don’t feel loved enough from the adopted parents.  The wound of being left by the natural mother is so deep it is unconscious in the individual but shows itself through difficulties in relationships or even trusting that someone could love them.  The fear of being hurt is so deep that anytime someone gets close, they run the other way.  

Joseph actually had met his birth mother before he entered the Navy because of his longing to know who he was.  They developed a friendship but Joseph became aware that he was in a much better place with his adopted parents.  He called his birth mother after his marriage difficulty to ask her why she gave him up for adoption.   She told him with tears in her eyes, that she had every intention of keeping him.  That she had an option and she chose life for him even though it made her life hard for a little while.  But that day when she went to see him in the nursery, she said she looked at him and loved him so much that she knew she could never give him the life he deserved, so she allowed him to be adopted by another.

That’s when it all began to click.  Even though the wound remains, he began to see how God was present through all of it and he could now deal with his issues in a positive manner.  His life progressed and he wrote songs and gave his witness to many of how it was the love of God that saved him since birth.  He has been able to help many people with their faith journey by bringing the reality of God presence to all of us through word and song.  His story and music reveal how God has worked throughout history through the work of human hands: through our ancestors, through Mary, through Jesus, through his birth mother, adopted parents, and through his wife and family.  Therefore, all because a 16 year old choose life the baby who was named Joseph at birth by the nurses became John Angotti who now shares his adoption story with the world so that all will know that through Christ, with Christ and in Christ, in the unity of the Holy Spirit all glory and honor belongs to God, forever and ever. Amen.

If I Should Die Before I Wake...

Today, two Facebook comments/statuses caught my attention. One was from a college student who used to be in my youth group and one was a comment on a thread discussing the Brittany Maynard "Dying with Dignity" story that has gone viral.

I'm confused... How can we be so sad about Robin Williams' suicide but then celebrate when a woman decides her lethal injection date?I'm not condemning her choice OR supporting it, as I am not in her position and I won't pretend like I am and cast judgement. However, society blindly believes something is great, just because a news story says so. Wake up and use your intelligence people! Gain a perspective or two.. this isn't black & white.

"To herald someone who ends their own life to avoid suffering is to cheapen the long and courageous suffering of those who fight to the finish."

I threw the second one, the comment on a thread from the Brittany Maynard story up on my Facebook wall to see what reaction it would get. 

I was really surprised that there wasn't much reaction at all, and it occurred to me that I have been quiet on this subject for awhile too because....

Well...

I wasn't sure what to think. 

I firmly believe in the seamless garment mentality when it comes to life issues - that life is sacred from conception until natural death. 

In this case, Brittany Maynard was diagnosed with a severe, rapid forming brain cancer. After being given the news that she would only have months to live, she chose not to try radiation and attempt to fight it, but rather to choose the day that she will die. November 1st. 

All Saints Day. 

She described her ideal death... painless... surrounded by people she loves.. with music in the background. This, to her, is dying with dignity.

Other than the fact that even though some words have been changed to make it sound a bit more rosy than it is... this *IS* a suicide. It IS taking one's own life. So the question comes down to.... why is it a beautiful thing in the eyes of society in Brittany's case, but so very tragic and disappointing in someone like Robin Williams' case? Are not/were not both seeking an end to their suffering? 

I came to know an amazing, amazing man, Chris Faddis, through his Facebook updates on the diagnosis, fight, and eventual death of his wife Angela.  I didn't know them personally, but saw their Facebook support group and prayed and grieved with them during their battle with cancer. I was blessed to meet Chris when I invited him to come to my parish in Michigan and share his story with us. And one thing I can say, for absolute certainty... 

Angela died with dignity. 

Her cancer didn't rob her of her dignity. Our suffering does not rob us of our dignity. 

This is why Mother Teresa formed a Home for the Dying. She said:  

"Death with dignity is to die with grace, in the knowledge that [you] are loved."

I have witnessed so, so many people battle cancer and other diseases and cancer, while it is a horrible, monstrous disease, taking our loved ones away from us through slow pain and suffering.... There remains dignity and beauty in each patient. Though we can't always see it through our sadness, anger, and our fears.

Angela Faddis was with her loved ones when she died. Angela was able to love and be loved right to and through her very last breath. She fought for every moment. 

Cancer has touched our family and cancer is a word that pierces the heart at its mere utterance. It takes our breath away, leaving us suffocating for air. 

But it cannot take our dignity. We are more than our health. We are more than the diseases we suffer or the crosses we bear. We have dignity because we are loved. Even the homeless man on the street of Calcutta, with no family, no friends, and no one even knows his name... is loved. The Missionaries Sisters of Charity show the dying love. 

This is death with dignity.  

We don't choose to suffer our disease or ailment because we believe there is some mysterious virtue we can only attain by martyring ourselves. We choose to suffer because we choose to live, and suffering is part of life. 

I will be praying for Brittany Maynard. I won't be praying for her to change her mind about taking her own life. I will be praying for her to realize that death with dignity happens because we are loved and not reduce death with dignity to a pain free death. The pain will end for all of us some day. But may every moment we have be a moment that matters. 

Whether I am diagnosed one day with cancer, or suffer trauma from a car accident, or carry the enormous weight of mental illness... I pray that my family helps me to fight, knowing each moment is sacred. And when it's time to let me go, they can do it knowing the battle is over and we loved each other till the last drop.