Tired of Being Tired

Tired of being tired...

Those were the words that jumped out at me at the Oremus prayer study we did at our Young Adult meeting tonight.  Lack of prayer takes sense of direction and purpose out of life. We just go through the motions and basically wonder... what is it all for?

I am so tired of being tired. It's not about getting enough hours of sleep, although I'd appreciate a couple extra. It's not about exercising or eating right, as I've been working on that mostly successfully...

It's about prayer!

I didn't realize that was the answer until tonight.

I've been so stressed, with so much to do, so much on my plate, so many battles I'm fighting with various stressful life situations, and trying to do it all just right, that I've let my prayer life slide once again.

The kids and I went to a Holy Hour this afternoon and it took me the full hour to get through one Rosary because my prayer looked like this...

"Hail Mary... STOP THAT, DAMIEN.... full of grace... DON'T TOUCH THAT DEAD BUG.... the Lord is with you... I TOLD YOU TO GO POTTY BEFORE WE CAME! Where was I? Sigh. Hail Mary...."

Yep. Literally.

In fact, the woman who showed up after me said, "You were counting down the minutes weren't you?"

Yes. Yes, I was.

Prayer has been chaotic, but it was so good to be reminded tonight that God wants me. He wants me. He desires me. No one desires or wants me like the Lord. No selfish reasons, no agenda, nothing He needs from me. He just wants me.

That set my anxious heart at peace.

That reminder helped me to see even where I have unrealistic expectations on others to want me like He wants me. To want me just because I am me and not because I'm needed... I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the constant whining in this house and the needs of my family day to day and the repetitive chores and work that have to be done and bills that have to be paid. I know that as I'm saying this it sounds selfish. I don't shirk my vocation as wife and mother, but..... Sometimes I just want to pack up the family and start a little tribe somewhere in the woods!

I'm really excited to be working on my prayer life. I definitely have a lot of work to do in that area. My prayer life is chaos. My life is chaos. I need the peace that stems from that intimate relationship with God.

I'm ready to accept His invitation... I just forgot about it in my stack of bills and junk mail...

Why I Don't Care if People Criticize My Family Size

Our family, just before we moved to Kansas, right after Elias was born. 

Here's the thing....

I hear and see SO MANY complaints from moms frustrated with the (often) rude comments people make about the number of kids they have, particularly if they are close together. Some of those comments include things such as..

"Haven't you figured out how that happens yet?"

"Maybe your husband should start sleeping on the couch."

"Wow, that's a big family." (Said at 3+ kids...)

"You have your hands full."


These comments which have been said to us even by people fairly close to us, don't bother me in the least.

Yes, I have figured out how that happens. (hehehe)

Yes, I do have my hands full.

It doesn't bother me because I am not at all surprised that someone can't understand why we would have three children in five years and still be open to more. When it comes down to it, there are a MILLION different reasons to NOT have a child.

Here are a few of ours:
1) We don't make very much money.
2) We have jobs that require odd hours and travel.
3) Our family lives far away and it could become fiscally impossible to visit them as plane ticket costs skyrocket. (Pun intended).
4) We are already out numbered, as parents.
5) Our house is small.

You get my drift.

So I can totally understand why someone would be surprised that we would be open to having more children. I don't fault them for it in the least, while there are more polite ways they could broach the subject, I love talking about our children and the joy they have brought to our lives. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that each child is a treasure for which we are so thankful, especially as I witness the painful, heart-breaking struggle of infertility.

Each child is SO UNBELIEVABLY different, and a lot of people don't understand that either. They think we just keep replicating the same DNA/person over and over again.... Procreating with reckless abandon, as my husband would say.  Each child, though, is uniquely different from the other, and their contributions to our family and society will be vastly different. Even my relationship with each one is very different. My oldest is curious and more anxious than his brother and sister. My daughter is perceptive and affectionate. My youngest is shy but learns fast. Simply because they look alike or come from the same genes means nothing in terms of their personalities!

Some people may see me dealing with a toddler meltdown at the grocery store and think, "I'm so glad I don't have kids!" As I, myself, am thinking, "What was I thinking, having kids?" HA!

But so many more will see our family laugh, go on adventures, pray together, comfort each other, and love each other and in wonderment say "How do you do it - live your dreams and raise kids?" They are part of the dream, baby. ;)

So maybe instead of taking offense the next time an offensive comment is made, let's use it as an opportunity for joy - remembering that each child entrusted to us is a gift and we chose to have them despite having a million reasons not to. The sacrifice that comes from being a parent is incredible. But the love in mine and David's household is multiplied by three.

Our cup overfloweth.

Sometimes also our toilet...

But it's worth it.


This picture was taken at a restaurant we visited after recording all day in the studio. This is what happens when someone else's kid is crying in the restaurant. ;)

My Daughter is Beautiful

Tell her she's beautiful every day. 

Don't tell her she's beautiful. 

Be honest with her. 

Compliment her mind, not her body. 

Don't talk about her body at all. 

Tell her she looks good even if she doesn't. 

AH!!  PLEASE!! SOMEONE STOP THE MADNESS!!!! 

First off, I have always struggled with my self-image. This is me, self-proclaimed original "Ugly Betty"... I think I was maybe around fourteen years old. 

I had bad acne, was overweight (I weighed as much as a teenager as I did pregnant with my third child...), braces, headgear, etc. The complete antithesis of cultural, feminine beauty. 

I wasn't pretty. No one told me I was pretty, but no one said I was ugly either, aside from one nasty kid at a pool a few years prior to this picture being taken. 

My mom told me that God doesn't make junk. That stuck with me.

Other than that no one made a big deal about how I looked, one way or the other. 

Consequently, my own self-talk, in my mind, was validated. 

"I'm ugly."

Fast forward. 

This is my daughter after a Father/Daughter dance. 

She is beautiful. 

I will always tell her that she is beautiful. 

I know the trend right now is to not talk to your daughter at all about her physical appearance, but rather to compliment her mind and heart and soul. 

I get that. 

But she wants to know she is beautiful. It is innate in her. Even when she was really little, she would ask me to put a dress on her, or she would grab one of my dresses and say, "Am I pwetty, mama?" 

"Yes, honey. You are beautiful." 

When I tell her she is beautiful, I want her to know that I say that from a place of deep love for her. When she hears someone else say she is beautiful, she will be able to recognize the difference between someone who says it out of love, and someone who says it without love - someone who wants to use her. 

She will know that she is beautiful, not sexy. 

She will know that she is beautiful because she is fearfully and wonderfully made, knit in her mother's womb, beloved, His beautiful one. (All Scripture references)

Of course, she is not limited by physical beauty. We affirm her for being kind, compassionate, brave, intelligent, prayerful, and helpful. But all of those things make her beautiful. 

To only affirm her heart, mind, and soul while rejecting her body as unimportant to who she is is really the opposite of anything holy - if the body were bad and not worth a second thought, it wouldn't have been redeemed on the cross. If the body were bad, it wouldn't be resurrected on the last day. 

I believe I should instead, teach her to love herself as a whole person. Society places so much emphasis on sex appeal, not beauty. We have to be careful when we are fighting one, to not fight the other. When she starts to change or gains a few pounds, or needs braces, etc, I want her to know she is beautiful because she is a child of God and His love for her makes her beautiful and that is unchanging beauty. 

I hope to teach her that her most attractive quality is her soul, and that holiness is the most beautiful thing in the world. 

I want to teach her that the more she is full of love, the more beautiful she is. 

They will see her beauty. Not just physical beauty, but the love of Christ radiating through her, spilling over to everyone around her. 

So, I say without reservation....

My daughter is beautiful.