We just recently welcomed our fourth child into the world - Diego Francis, 8lb 4oz, 21 inches long on August 5th. I thought he would never arrive because my labor just kept starting and stopping for days. It was nuts! I would tell David, "Don't go anywhere -- this is it!" And then it would stop and I felt like the biggest failure of a child-bearer.
And, I was big. Very big.
So big, in fact, that people gently, in hushed tones, confided in me that they thought I was having a giant baby. Or twins.
#thingsthatmakepregnantwomencry
Every labor is different, but the reason I feel called to share this one is that this one was my first med-free delivery.
With Damien, the epidural was amazing and exactly the right choice for me.
With Lucia, I got the epidural too late -- she was born twenty minutes after it was put in.
With Elias, the epidural numbed my left leg. I was quite the sight, carrying my baby in my hospital gown, dragging my left leg behind me. It's the stuff of horror films.
So, this time around I thought, you know... I've basically given birth without the epidural twice. I think I can do this one without the epidural. Also, unlike other services... if you get the epidural, you still have to pay for it whether it worked or not. There is no money-back guarantee, so I just didn't want to throw more hundreds of dollars down the drain in the event that it didn't work for me again.
Little did I realize, this would be the longest... labor..... EVER! Starting and stopping all weekend, finally getting revved up enough to where we could go in on a Tuesday around noon after laboring all morning and finally ultimately giving birth on Wednesday around 8:30am.
I also had a stomach bug and hadn't eaten since breakfast Monday morning. It was brutal!!
But I am already overly confident that I could do it again. See, what grace God gives mothers that makes us open to life! (Though, someone asked me if I would do natural labor again right after Diego's birth and I said I never wanted to have another child ever, ever, ever again.)
#thingsnottoaskmomsrightafterlabor
Anyway, I digress... the main point of this post is to share how I reflected on the Sorrowful Mysteries throughout my labor and that is honestly what got me through the frustrations, the hunger, the fatigue (I had been up almost 48 hours by the time Diego was born due to laboring off and on throughout Monday night), the pain, etc. It was a very sanctifying experience for me and I am grateful for that spiritual growth and also even just learning a lot about the amazingness of the human body and miracle of life!
THE 1ST SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Agony in the Garden
Truly no one can go through labor but you as the mama. No one can take this cup from you. No one can really do anything to share the pain along with you. It is your cross to bear. There were times in the labor when I felt totally alone - that in refusing pain medication, no one could really help me. Then there were times when I looked at David and said, "Are you still sleeping? Could you not stay awake with me for one hour?" :P As the nurse came in and told me to concentrate and focus on making the contractions more productive, she turned to David and said, "Aw, hon, would you like a blanket and pillow?" Yeah. Get him a blanket and pillow.
#thingsthatmakelaboringwivesangry
I was able to really meditate during the contractions and could actually sing hymns during them! I became so relaxed, though that I ended up slowing down the contractions! How crazy is that?! When the nurse came in and threatened pitocin, I knew I needed to get out of meditation and focus on the pain. All of a sudden, the contractions strengthened. I was fascinated by this process!! And moved to reflect on the second sorrowful mystery...
THE 2ND SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Scourging at the Pillar
In reflecting on this mystery, I kept repeating to myself that my pain threshold is stronger than I think it is. I imagined the pain Jesus felt, being scourged over and over, and yet how He survived and bore the pain. At this point, my water partially broke (I HIGHLY recommend the Side-lying release move on www.spinningbabies.com -- It moved things along when I stalled out twice! NO Pitocin!) So the pain became more intense. The fatigue was incredible. Trying to focus on endurance was what I tied to this mystery... Not to mention, there is no modesty in childbirth. Jesus was stripped and humiliated for the sake of our lives, for our salvation. In labor, modesty goes out the window for the sake of bringing new life into the world. It is humbling to be so vulnerable, but my focus was so much on that of my little baby, that I didn't care. I imagine it was the same for our Lord... that His focus was so much on us, His children, that He didn't even think about His own suffering or humiliation.
THE 3RD SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Crowning with Thorns
This mystery made me laugh, actually, because the only thing I could think of to meditate on was the crowning of my own baby's head! Come on, kid! Show thyself! :) Jesus was given a drink, must have been famished. I was starving and could only eat ice chips! I did sneak a mint or two..... This mystery, though, marked for me my halfway point. I can do this, I told myself over and over. My labor had stalled again and the nurses were literally about to bring in the pitocin when my water really broke. Like... I was wondering if there was actually a baby in there kinda broke. And that is when the pain skyrocketed. David encouragingly told me that my contractions were off the chart.
#thingsthatpaniclaboringwomen
THE 4TH SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Carrying of the Cross
When my water broke and my stomach consequently deflated like.. I dunno.. about a foot... I realized the weight I had been carrying for so many months. The weight that had bore me down, gave me swollen feet, pained hips, sore back, made my daughter refer to me as a "roly-ball" and caused me to have to wear a multitude of stretchy pants.... The weight was about to be relieved as I laid down this cross... but as with all crosses, the end isn't death but new life, eternal life.
THE 5TH SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Crucifixion
Not gonna lie. At this point I was screaming. Not bloody murder screaming, but loud enough to think for a moment... I wonder if this is normal... The doctor told me I could still have something for pain if I wanted it... Okay, I said. "But it will have to go in your back." "No. No I can do this." To me, anyone touching me at that point was a thought more painful than just being left alone to finish this out. I remember a friend telling me that just when you think you can't take it anymore, it's almost over. I honed in on that. It is almost over. Three hours on the cross my Lord, and just when You couldn't take it anymore, it was almost over.
He cried out in a loud voice.
Pierced in His side.
Out flowed blood and water.
I started to push. "No, don't push yet, it's not time." But my body didn't care what time it was, I could not stop. I couldn't stop pushing at all and no amount of telling me to relax would help. It was time.
Three pushes. Out came my boy.
When they placed him on my chest, I couldn't even raise up to look at him. I held him as I trembled uncontrollably from the adrenaline. I couldn't stop shaking. I was in so much pain. But I just held him.
David took out his cell phone camera so I could see the face of our boy on his phone screen.
It was finished. It is accomplished.
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While it was certainly my most exhausting and difficult labor, I will always think back on it fondly. It was such a profoundly beautiful agony. The moments David and I sang through the contractions... When David looked at me and told me that I was his hero and he was so proud of me...and that watching me go through this labor and delivery moved him to tears.
That he now understood why men hold doors for women... Why they are called to protect women... because be it physically as mothers or spiritually as mothers, we are able to pour ourselves out to give life in a way that they can't.
It was amazing.
I share this picture with you, even though it isn't the prettiest, but because I am so amazed at the miracle of life. The abundance of love that can lead one to suffer such incredible pain....
Maybe you are a mother who can relate to this. But even if you have not given birth to your kids, if you have adopted, or you are a godmother or take care of others in a nurturing, life-giving way, you understand. Because you love at the capacity which gives you courage to suffer. You love at a capacity which gives you endurance in the midst of suffering. You love at a capacity that offers hope to others in the midst of suffering.
We are so thankful to everyone who has lent a hand, sent us meals and gift cards and diapers, well-wishes, prayers, and love. You are what makes this life beautiful.
God bless!
