Wednesday, December 16, 2015

I Can Do All Things


When I first started homeschooling my kids last year, I was full of high hopes. I just knew my kids and I would learn and have fun and stay organized and they would love me even more every day due to all this extra quality time we would spend together, frolicking in the sun and learning to read by age 4 and I would quickly be able to brag that I am seriously the....

Best. Mom. Ever.

You are laughing aren't you?

Because you know!!!!

You know what I did not and that is that kids DO NOT CARE about our dreams of being the best moms ever.

One morning I joyfully exclaimed after breakfast, "Hey Guys!! It is almost time for school!! YAY!" To which my oldest son solemnly replied, "I do not want to do school. I just want to be happy."

Ahhhh! You and me both, kid.

Day after day of plugging away... I kept praying, God give me patience!

I remember one incident where my daughter had to draw a number one. Just one number one. A line. It is a line, people. She had to draw a LINE!!!!

"It is too hard."

"I can't do it."

"I hate school."

"My hand hurts."

"I don't like this pencil."

I maintained my calm, but decided that I need a room in my house with padded walls that I can retreat to in times like these.

My mother-in-law gave me some ideas to make writing more engaging and fun. She said, tell Lucia a story. Tell her, "Once upon a time, there was ONE bear. Lucia can you make the number 1?"

I tried it. She did it. She loved it. And I put my padded room on hold.

God, give me patience.

I started to reflect, through this daily struggle of keeping the house clean, lack of adult interaction during the day most days, maintaining the music ministry, homeschooling, teaching music lessons, raising kids, etc and I began to burn out.

God, give me patience PLEASE.

One day, I was having a conversation with someone about love being a decision. Love being an act of the will and not a feeling... and I started to wonder if this applied to other things in life. And if I mastered this act of the will, could I be, if not the best mom ever, at least a moderately holy mom?

You see, I think we can apply "love is a decision" to other areas of our lives.

When I beg the Lord to give me whatever virtue I am lacking... I wonder if it isn't just that I lack the virtue, but I lack the desire to act accordingly to that virtue.

When we "run out of patience" could it literally mean that we are tired of being patient and choose not to be?

When I ask the Lord to give me better health I realize that some of these prayers require action on my part. I cannot beg for better health and refuse to exercise and continue to eat from the tin of popcorn currently sitting in front of me. (Hey! I DID get up at 5 this morning to workout!)

When I beg for greater trust in the Lord, I actually do have to step out on to the water. I actually do have to act. To follow Him.

When I beg for greater faith, I actually do have pray regularly, read Scripture, do acts of service.

Faith requires action.

I share this revelation with you because it has been pretty life-changing for me. Particularly, at this point in my life, in the areas of patience. You know those cartoons where the character's little thermometer rises until it explodes? That is how it can be for me. I tend to keep things in until I explode. Now, day by day, I am trying something different.

I try to say the words in my head, "As an act of my will, I am going to choose patience in this moment." Or when I start to feel very angry, I say, "I can choose how I want to respond to this and I want to respond in love." Or when it is almost explosion time, "CHOOSE PATIENCE"!

It takes me down a few notches and I hope eventually changes my instinctual responses to default to love and patience, gentleness, mercy, and kindness.

I have also been actively trying to fight anxieties in the same way. Normal anxieties. Family stuff, money stuff, school stuff, etc. I have started saying, "No, I am not going to think about this right now." Or "There is no right or wrong decision... there may be a better or best decision, but let us decide and move on."

Sometimes these battles of trying to choose to NOT act out of impatience take their toll physically and I feel exhausted trying to keep myself from acting out of frustration. But when I don't succumb to those things... the more peaceful our household is, which becomes such a great incentive!

Now, this isn't to say that I believe I am doing this on my own. I pray for the grace I need to take the actions I must take in order to conform my will to His. I pray for the grace to start over every stinking time I fail. I pray for the grace to love more and forgive more. I pray that God will love through me and forgive through me when I just can't seem to find the motivation.

There is a Scripture passage that really anchors this whole blog tonight. It is one everyone knows...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

I can DO. This requires action on OUR parts IN RESPONSE to Christ who STRENGTHENS us.

I can do all things. Maybe as I pray that I will add some specifics...

I can do homeschooling through Christ who strengthens me.
I can follow a budget through Christ who strengthens me.
I can get up to work out through Christ who strengthens me.
I can love this person through Christ who strengthens me.
I can forgive this person through Christ who strengthens me.


I hope all of this makes sense, and I write this with the humility of someone who fails and tries again and who seeks to share as I learn and strive to grow in my desire for holiness, better mom-hood, better wife-hood, etc. with those who may also be in the same boat!

Prayers for you. Would love to hear your stories too!

God bless and happy Gaudete week!

Noelle

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Year of Mercy: Restored from Pornography Addiction

Hi friends, 

Awhile ago, I asked a friend of mine to consider sharing her story of her journey with her husband through his pornography addiction with you, my readers. She agreed, but we never set a deadline. In His perfect timing, though, she wrote to me that she was ready to write the blog -- and I think it is so wonderful to open the year of Mercy on this blog with her story. I hope you can share and receive healing through her beautiful testimony of God and His profound grace and mercy!
--- Noelle 

 ------- GUEST POST FROM ANA www.freedandrestored.com --------------

We, as the Catholic Church, have just entered into the Year of Mercy. 
Mercy as defined by the Catechism is: 
“the charitable actions by which we come to the aid of our neighbor in his spiritual and bodily necessities”. Charitable actions can include (but are not limited to): instructing, advising, consoling, comforting, forgiving and bearing wrongs patiently.
There weren’t any warning signs. Sure, there were rumblings going on beneath the surface of our 5 year marriage, but I brushed them to the back of my mind; these bumps in the road are to be expected when we have a busy life with 2 young children… I’d often tell myself.
But one evening, the rumblings erupted and a big, big problem came to light. This problem had been silently infiltrating and ruining our marriage from its very start. This problem was a silent, slow killer of my husband’s soul. The parts of him that were dying were so slow and painful for him but it was hard for me to recognize. However, once it all came to light I found myself dumbfounded in how I missed it.

The problem that came to light was that my husband is a pornography addict. 
Just reading those words, how do you feel? Does it make you uncomfortable? Does it feel like maybe I just got way too personal? Does that make you think poorly of my husband? Does it make you think that I must have been doing something wrong to push him to pornography? Does it make you think that our marriage must have really big problems that we’d been ignoring that led to this? 
Would you be surprised by the fact that around 64% of Christian men say they look at porn at least monthly? Or that of all men, 68% admit that they view pornography at least weekly?

Until this problem was literally looking me in the face, I was oblivious to the fact that it was a problem at all. Every guy does it. It doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s harmless. If it’s so widely accepted, then why did my husband carry around such shame? Why did I carry such shame for his addiction?  All of the shame attached to a pornography addiction seems ironic to me because pornographic material and viewing is so widely accepted among today’s society. Is it because of this cultural acceptance and approval that acknowledging pornography can actually be a problem – and not just a hobby - brings about so much embarrassment?
In all honesty, the shame I felt really surprised me.  Being a ‘social butterfly’, I heal and problem solve by talking to others. Even for issues within my marriage I had a solid group of married friends and mentors I could go to and, respectfully, problem solve. But this – this was something different. I wanted to talk to someone, I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it without feeling shame; shame for myself and shame for my husband.  But why the heck was I feeling ashamed? Wasn’t I just one of the victims? Isn’t this my husband’s problem?  I didn’t fully recognize the disgrace directly attached to pornography addiction until I wanted to talk to someone about me and my husband’s situation and I couldn’t think of a single person to call, email, or text. I couldn’t think of anyone in my life who had openly discussed this issue.
The questions I posed earlier weren’t just to get you to recognize the stigma attached to a pornography addict, but they were actually my own thoughts on the rare occasion I’d hear of someone with an addiction to pornography. So because I knew what I had thought, I assumed others would think the same. I feared once my family found out about my husband’s problem, that they would think our marriage had no merit. I feared that once my friends found out, they would think my husband was a pervert. I feared that once acquaintances and neighbors found out, they would assume I wasn’t meeting my husband’s intimate needs.  But I couldn’t stay silent, my emotions were too big and frankly, I was lost as to how to ‘fix’ this. This was the biggest problem our marriage had faced thus far and I was feeling hopeless and alone. 
I didn’t know where to go, so I emailed our parish priest. My husband had encouraged me to contact a good friend of mine whom he heard had faced a similar issue within their marriage in the past. Between prayer, the advising of our priest, and talking to our friends, I was able to slowly start sorting through my emotions and our marriage began to slowly start healing. It took a lot of time and grace for me to understand that pornography addiction is a true addiction. Pornography actually mimics the same effects on the brain as a drug does to a drug addict. Once I was able to realize that this was not just a hobby gone haywire, and that my husband had a true problem, it was easier to let go of some of my hurt that was falsely rooted in my heart saying that I had somehow caused this.  The more that my husband and I were able to openly discuss his addiction, the more it became a team effort to combat this addiction. 
Soon I began to understand why my husband would feel shame.  He had had a ‘bond’ with pornography that had been there since he was a young teenager. From the very beginning, pornography was something to be done privately and secretly. As he aged and relationships came and went, pornography was always secretly and privately there. As we dated and got married and started a family, pornography was always secretly and privately there. It was there for him when he was stressed or when our marriage hit a rough patch. With each secret viewing, his shame was building as was his double life. It all came to a head when he confronted me and confessed to me. As I stated earlier, I was completely oblivious; I hadn’t found anything or stumbled across images on his phone or computer. After almost two decades of looking at porn, he was a pro at erasing his footprints. He was a pro at timing. He was a pro at deceiving and pretending that everything was alright. But that night the he opened up to me, everything was not alright. He was worn, tired of living a double life, tired of deceiving me, tired of trying to fight this private struggle alone.
My husband’s shame is what kept him from talking to anyone about his hobby-turned-problem-turned-addiction. There was so much shame attached to his viewing of pornography that he would fight an interior battle, only to lose and often crumble to the floor and weep after looking at it. When he began to share with me what a true struggle this was, I could not help but have love for him. Before me was not the strong, straight-lined, disciplined, man that I had thought he was. Instead, I was looking into the eyes of a hurt and broken man, screaming for help, seeking comfort and compassion from the one woman he thought would and could give that.

Throughout our entire healing process, with as angry as I was and with as hurt as I was, it was evident that his own pain was deeper than any pain I could inflict on him, and his anger with himself was greater than any anger I could throw at him.  The love of my life stood before me worn, weak, and vulnerable. In hindsight, it was if I held his heart and soul in my hands and how he was going to live the rest of his life depended in my reaction to this entire situation. Was I going to slap him across the face and leave like a part of me wanted to do? Was I going to get angry? Cry? Hold a grudge? Was I going to give up on him? Was I going to turn bitter? Was I going to keep track of how much this hurt me and try to hurt him more? Was I going to forgive him?

By the grace of God, and for the good of my husband’s heart and soul, I was able to show him mercy when he needed it the most. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I cried. Yes I was very, very hurt. But I learned that I could feel those emotions while still gently holding his heart in my hands. I could be angry and still hug him. I could cry and still talk to him. I could be very, very hurt and still forgive him. I could feel like my entire World came crashing down before me, and still God gave me grace to show mercy.

It was through this mercy, time passing, a lot of prayer and constant forgiving that my husband and I have come out of this battle bloodied, but alive. In fact, as with most marital strife, we’ve come through to the other side and can confidently say our marriage is better now than it ever has been. My husband’s pornography addiction was a deep root in our relationship that seeped into nearly every aspect of our union. This was hard on our entire marriage; it was hard on our intimacy, it was hard on the way we communicated with each other; it was hard on the way that we treated each other; it was hard on the way we thought of each other.  We are still working through some effects of it, but the difference is that now we are facing this fight together.  I thank God for showing me grace and mercy so that I was able to, in turn, know mercy and show it to my husband.

With our World going off the rails in so many ways, we as Christians can work together to lift the veil of shame attached to pornography addiction. This evil can be remedied by communion, accountability, and discussion. The more we openly discuss such a problem that affects our lives, the more our brothers and sisters in Christ can look up and say, “You too? I thought it was just me…” and the healing can begin. 



“But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful.”    Luke 6:35-36
-----------------------------------------------

Born in a small, mid-west farming town, Ana was raised as a cradle Catholic but did not begin to deeply explore her faith until her college years.  At that time, she discovered a gift for speaking enthusiastically and candidly about lessons she has learned, and how struggles in her life have carried her closer to God. In 2015, Ana and her husband Ryan began developing
www.freedandrestored.com as a resource to share their story and encourage anyone affected by pornography addiction.  Ana lives in Michigan with her husband Ryan and their three (soon to be four) children. She most recently contributed their story to Matt Fradd’s latest book entitled “Restored”.
Restored by Cameron and Matt Fradd: http://restoredbook.com/

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The Advent Nazi

I will be writing a blog for each week of Advent and at some point in the near future will update my weight loss blog which, for better or worse, is on hold due to sickness, traveling, and....... Christmas treats. ;) 

I have been pondering this blog for a while and how to word it compassionately, but I just decided... eh, what the heck. I can deal with the comments as they come!

So, let us talk briefly about what I like to call: the Advent Nazi. What do I mean by that? I mean the person who forbids, shudders, and scorns anyone who mentions Christmas in the four weeks of Advent leading up to Christmas. No lights. No tree. No carols. Yelling at everyone that *Yes, Mary did know!* Etc. 

My husband, David, is an Advent Nazi. I, on the other hand, am more like Elf. Ya know...

SANTAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. So, how do we do it? 

Once, David and I were fighting about putting up Christmas lights on the house (I wanted them, he did not, summoning the excuse that we should not put up lights in Advent and that he is holier than me, but really I think it was because he just did not want to put up lights and I am obviously holier because childbirth...) But anyway, we were in the grocery store, when a woman walked past him and called him a Scrooge!

I died laughing. 

But I have been thinking... Advent is not supposed to be somber like Lent. It is supposed to be joyful preparation and anticipation ! Just take a moment and look at the Psalms... 

Week One: To You O Lord, I Lift My Soul
Week Two: The Lord Has Done Great Things for Us, We are Filled with Joy
Week Three: Cry out with Joy and Gladness for the Great One is Among You, the Holy One of Israel
Week Four: Lord, Make us Turn to You, Let us See Your Face and We Shall be Saved


Yes, we pull out all the stops for Christmas day and the Christmas season thereafter, but should we not rejoice that this is the most wonderful time of the year where people who maybe forget about their faith the previous 11 months all of a sudden are reminded of the birth of a Savior through the lights and sounds and sights that we display -- commercial or not! That the season is full of songs of hope and peace on earth and goodwill towards men, charitable giving, and so on and so forth -- can we not rejoice in that instead of annoyingly reminding people Christmas isn't here yet? Can we welcome others into the joyful anticipation with us and gladly celebrate Advent while also making our beautiful Christmas preparations? 

I get it! I totally get it, that Advent is the waiting period. But having been pregnant four times, waiting in joyful anticipation over 9 months each time, I can tell you that the preparations I make as a mom only enhance my own excitement at the birth of my child. And YES at month 9 when I have finished all of the preparation, I realize it is not his/her birthday yet, but... 

I sing to my babies before they are born. I sing about them. I sing to them. 

I talk to them. 

I decorate. I buy them a gift that is just theirs for when they come home with me. 

I watch the labor episode of *The Office* with Jim and Pam. 

I change up the furniture as necessary. I stock up on food so I don't have to shop. 

I pray. I go to Confession. 

And I wait anxiously and excitedly for his/her birth. 

I make the same preparations for the birth of my own child as I do for the birth of My King. 

I put on the joyful music. We sing O Come O Come Emmanuel in the evening and pray.  We buy gifts, just three, each for the kids. We go to Confession. This is the one time of year I actually enjoy baking. We watch fun Christmas movies and dunk cookies in egg nog and nostalgia! And I get just as excited as the kids when it comes to Christmas morning. They know it is the birthday of our Lord!

The Gospel this past Sunday says that there will be signs of the coming of our Lord. I look at our decorations as simple signs that we believe in and anticipate the coming of our Lord and everyone can witness that as well! 

So..... how do David and I compromise on keeping the focus on Advent but joyfully anticipating Christmas? 

I insist upon lighted evergreen in the house at this time of year, so.... We have an Advent tree. A little tree we decorate with purple, then pink, then purple again. We utilize prayers and the Advent candles. And we decorate the house, but leave the Christmas tree for the week of Christmas. We listen to Christmas music, but sing O Come O Come Emmanuel as our prayer. We have an Advent calendar. We shop, but keep the gifts to three each, plus a stocking of treats. Again, tying the *three* into the amount of gifts that Jesus received. 

We compromised from literally NO decor or music and a wife who cried because if you wait until Christmas day to turn on the carols your joy is short lived since after Christmas day the rest of the world moves on to pop tunes again....  to saving the tree as our BIG DEAL decoration but making little preparations beforehand! David also hides baby Jesus so I can't put him in the Nativity scene until Christmas. Last year he lost Him though so..........we may have to find a new baby Jesus. 

Anyway, I suppose all I am saying in this post is be a pregnant woman minus the morning sickness in Advent. Don't be ashamed to prepare your heart and home for the coming of our Lord, but work up to the awesome glory of that which is His Holy Birth!! 

ALSO, this is a blog written by Linda Padgett. She has an Advent board with activities for each day in a bag to do with the kids. Charity, crafts, prayers, movies, etc. It is SUPER awesome. 

I hope to do this next year: 


Check it out and Happy Advent :) 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Weightloss Update Blog

Hi All!

Sorry for the delay! One of my kids knocked water on my computer so I could not use certain keys on my keyboard because they typed several other letters and even just writing a Facebook status was brutally obnoxious and with the little ones and our CD launch this week which I am behind in press for oy.... Those of you with nutty schedules realize time is gold!

Anywho, the stats...

Starting weight sixish weeks postpartum was 185
Current weigh in this week is 177.

Total loss is 8 lbs.

Now, I gotta tell ya.... I started to feel pretty discouraged that I could not seem to get my appetite under control, so I madly avoided the scale and I am actually thinking that it is better mentally for me to not weigh-in when I feel like I did not do so great in eating healthy. Another thing to remind myself and just to make sure you know too, the number on the scale is just a number. The important thing is that I am feeling SO MUCH STRONGER and starting to get some muscle back to where I am not out of breath carrying my adorable gianormous basketball player newborn baby up the stairs.

Seriously, he is my exercise at almost 16 pounds and not even 3 months till November 5th....

So, in nursing the baby still, I am struggling the most with appetite which has always been my downfall as I like to exercise. I am trying to find a good balance of maintaining the calories that I need for nursing and strength-training daily but not too much where I am not able to trim some of the baby weight that makes my clothes nice and snug. I do NOT have the budget for new clothes, so the only thing I can do is work this weight off or live in stretchy pants, which at this point doesn't seem like a bad option. Ha! I do feel like there is a little less jiggle in my wiggle...

Still plugging away. I decided to never start on Mondays. Every day is a new day for reclaiming a healthier me ! But, other than sleep exhaustion from newborn life,  I am feeling great! It is amazing how a little exercise goes a long, long way.

I am so thankful to my friends who regularly come over and work out with me cause I don't think I would be as disciplined without the accountability of three friends showing up when it is still dark outside! Extra hour of sleep this weekend! Woo!

Until next time..


Friday, October 23, 2015

Behind the Music #2: Waiting

One of my favorite songs on our new CD is "Waiting". David came up with the beautiful guitar music and played for me while I ran and grabbed the words I had just written down a few days prior. It came together in moments, which is a miracle in and of itself because writing music with your spouse is one of the most difficult, beautiful, personal, intimate, rage-inducing activities ever! :)

I had just reconnected with some old friends and while sitting in Adoration one day, began to reflect on the different paths we have all taken growing up. Some of us work for the Church and some of us want nothing at all to do with the Church some of us are married and some of us are single, some have kids, some do not, some have traveled the world, and some have stayed in the town they grew up in. I thought about why it was that I have chosen the path I have chosen when I could have made so many different choices and I realized...

My path isn't much different from anyone else's, really, when it comes to those who have left the faith and those who have not. The only difference between me and a friend who left their faith behind is that I decided to turn around and come back.

I have made some bad choices. I was a pretty big hypocrite at different points in my life. I hurt others and they hurt me and I remember wondering why should I love God in the midst of all the suffering? Why should I follow Him when it seemed so much easier to walk away or stay complacent?

But there would always be something.

SOMETHING that would draw me back.

A song on the radio... a comment from a friend or family member... an experience... a gentle reminder of my faith... maybe the prayers of someone who loved me.

And I would always remember that the one thing I knew for certain, though I didn't know how or why is....

God loves me.

He loves me.

And that's enough.

It is so easy for an innocent child to believe in God. They believe in hope, they believe in love, they offer mercy to the bully on the playground, they trust freely. Until when?

Until someone breaks that trust. Until someone takes their innocence. Until they make choices and lose their innocence. It happens to all of us at one point or another.

World-crushing pain, suffering, or sin.

That's when I think we become jaded. We mistrust God. We doubt Him. We start by doubting His love for us. Then we doubt His plan for us. Then we doubt His existence. Yet, His love is so great that He allows us to go through this process. He allows us to reject Him. He is with us even as we walk away.

He is waiting. Waiting.

The chorus of the song is this:
"You waited for me, You waited for me to look up and see You waiting on me,
Waiting on me to say 'Here I am'".

One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn -- one of the biggest conversions in my heart and one of the most beautiful, powerful, moving realizations is written in the bridge of this song... "You say to me I am not my sin, I am not defined by mistakes. You restored my heart by grace. I am forgiven. I am forgiven...

I am forgiven."

Sometimes it is our sin and mistakes that keep us away from God. We put a veil of false humility and "unworthiness" over our heads. Or we divide ourselves from union with Him out of our own arrogance that we know better. Though deep down, I wonder if in those moments we even trust ourselves in the midst of not trusting Him. Do we not realize, He died for all of our sins? Do we not realize that in claiming unworthiness we in effect exclude ourselves from being open to receiving His mercy and grace?! Why not take advantage of His grace, love, hope, peace, mercy and put our own selfishness aside for a moment.

He never, EVER, says we aren't good enough to run to Him!! Read the lives of the saints. Some of the greatest saints were the greatest sinners and I think that is because they lived lives with PASSION! When you give everything over to sin, then have an encounter with God, you already know what it is to give everything and you know, now, how to give everything to God. Not because He asks for it, but because you WANT to because you love Him, too.

It's just an act of the will to actually do it. To give Him everything, knowing He loves you and has given you everything.

That is what I aspire to.

And every time I fall or decide to walk away, He is still there. Every time I doubt, He is still there.

Waiting.


Thursday, October 22, 2015

Behind the Music #1: Like No One Else

The next few weeks, I want to focus on explaining the meaning behind the songs on our new album, set to be released on October 27th! It was a labor of love with much sweat and tears. We cannot thank our financial and spiritual supporters enough.

This is the first song on the album, *Like No One Else*. I wrote the words and music, but as he usually does, David took the music and made it more interesting. David hears the music in layers, but I hear the music with space. Somehow, through many fights and prayers and love, the two come together!

This is the meaning behind, *Like No One Else*...


David and I met on a Catholic dating website called Ave Maria Singles but a bit before that, I was dating someone I thought I would marry. When that didn't work out, I decided I needed to concentrate on my relationship with God. I needed to fall in love with Him again, because I hadn't been as close or as faithful to my relationship with Him in awhile.

I was one of those girls that once I experienced my first relationship, I felt I always needed to be in a relationship. Very little thought or discernment was put into getting into those relationships, though I really did try my best to make them work even if I knew deep down it wasn't a good fit. I thought the easiest and best way to be loved was to have a boyfriend!

During the time of singlehood that I had before I met David, I realized through lots and lots of prayer that I would not be able to really love someone unless I loved the Lord. I knew that He needed to come first and I wanted a man who would put God first too. For the first time in my adult life, I felt completely fulfilled by the love of God. I didn't need a guy. I was satisfied and whole. 

Fast forward to meeting David. 

David was the first guy I ever dated that I was afraid would break up with me. Why? Because I knew he was also whole and completely satisfied in his relationship with God and His love for Him. I knew we were two whole people coming together that loved each other, but didn't NEED each other. It was a new territory for me! 

When we married, I had another realization. 

I still couldn't love David if I didn't love God first. He can't love me if he doesn't love God first, either. This love is not just a feeling, but a deep self-sacrificing, free, total, faithful decision to love! 

"Can you surrender, can you close your eyes and fall back into my arms?
Can you let go enough to fly
And let Me love you like no one else can?
Let Me love you like no one else can."

When we put the expectation on anyone but the Lord to love us the way we need to be loved all the time, we will always come up unsatisfied. I'm not just talking about intentionally or unintentionally hurting one another, I'm talking about even just being tired and not loving to the fullest of our capacity! But God can love us like no one else can. David and I could both know that if our relationship hadn't worked out, we would have been okay, because we would still be loved. 

Sometimes we harden ourselves to love because of those past hurts, but God who Himself is love will never leave you wounded. All throughout the Gospels we see the Lord reaching out to the most "unlovable" and that love brings those people healing, drastic life changes, and peace. We will do crazy things for someone we love and God's loves runs so deep that He gave His only Son. For us. 

I can't imagine that. I can't imagine sending one of my children to die for anyone, even a close friend or family member. I am incapable of that kind of love. But God isn't!!

So, what have you got to lose.... let Him love you like no one else can!



Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Weightloss Journey week Two

Starting weight: 185
Last week: 181
This week: 179
Down 2 pounds this week, down 6 overall!


I have amazing friends who have been working out with me at 5am every single day except the weekends. I couldn't do it without them, because with nursing... 5am comes around pretty quick! We missed one day - due to Diego being up all night, but I just tried to stay active that afternoon and evening.

Diet-wise, I was pretty awful. Because nursing plus now exercising regularly takes so much energy, I have had a hard time not OVER-eating. Plus it was Lucia's birthday and we had cupcakes in the shape of a -- well, that's another story....A mom fail to say the least and if you saw it on Facebook, I promise it was a butterfly.

Then, day one of when I was going to start the 100 Days of Real Food menu, David decided to make dinner. David NEVER decides to make dinner on his own and even shop for the ingredients, so I couldn't pass that up. He made the same thing he made for me when we were newly married, six years ago (yeah, it's been six years since he made me dinner so I HAD to take him up on this romantic gesture!!) It was.....


......


English muffin pizzas! :P But they were good and I ate a lot of them because they are small.

So...... epic fail diet wise but this week has started off a little better. We had roasted veggies and pork chops and the pork chop recipe I found online was so gross that I ate a small portion. So there ya go.

Back to the grind!

See ya next week!

Friday, October 2, 2015

Pope Francis, Gays, and Kim Davis

This will probably be the shortest blog I have ever written...

One set of people is praising Pope Francis for meeting with Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who refuses to issue marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples. They say, HA! Stinkin' left wingers!

One set of people is praising Pope Francis for meeting with a gay couple and says that the meeting with Kim Davis was a setup. They say, HA! Stinkin' right wingers!

My point: WHO CARES?!?!?! He met with Fidel Castro too, folks! He met with a lot of high and low class saints and sinners.

That's the point though, isn't it? Jesus' love doesn't discriminate. Jesus doesn't say you're not good enough to be loved because your politics aren't in line with My Gospel. He doesn't say you're not good enough for Me to associate with because of the political implications of that association.  He doesn't say you're not good enough for Me to love because of your sin. The Church doesn't have borders or left wings and right wings -- at least it isn't suppose to! If our faith tells us anything at all it should be that Jesus Himself aligned with the persecuted, the unloved, the unlovable, the outcast, the lost.

I don't know about you, but that's me.

The Pope, and all of us Christians who claim to represent Christ and be His hands and feet, and live out the Gospel shouldn't discriminate in our love either. Meet with Kim Davis and get to know her. Maybe you'll find you could love her even if you disagree with her. Meet with the prisoners. Meet with gay and lesbian and transsexual and immigrant and your neighbor for crying out loud.

Jesus didn't accept all forms of behavior and consequently, neither does the Church, however, Jesus RADICALLY LOVED all those He met, and if we are to be like Him, we MUST LOVE!!!!!!! We must love even those we find most unlovable. Jesus said even hypocrites love their friends, but we are called to love even our enemies. I don't think the word "enemies" just means those who hate us, but I think it means those who we ourselves dislike, hate, or find difficult to love. That love causes us to RADICALLY CHANGE OUR LIVES!!

Stop throwing the Pope's visit in other people's faces and take a look in the mirror instead.

Can you love better? I think you can. I know I can. Can you see the face of Jesus Christ in Kim Davis or Fidel Castro or Cecile Richards, knowing He gave His life for them and wants nothing more than to wrap His arms around them, too?

We politicize love and what do we get... gossip, hate, pain, division, pride.

I have tried to pray, "Lord, help me love this person! Help me see you in this person!" I fail, but I know I can't love God fully if I refuse to love His children.  Knowing, as Catholic speaker Mike Patin says, "Everyone loves somebody, everyone has lost something or someone, and everyone is fighting a battle." You just don't know their battles, so please... no matter how fervent the disagreement, choose the higher road to try to love. 

God is love and love is impossible without Him. Ask His help. 

But stop limiting God's love. The Pope can meet with whomever he wants. He can extend Christ's love because ...

it belongs to EVERYONE.  And we belong to God.

Amen.


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Post- Partum Weightloss Again!

Welp, we have reached the official six week mark as of last week so I am back to the grind! This time, earlier than with my third baby! My progress last time motivates me this time!

Just a recap.. I lost between 25-30lbs between my third and fourth children. When I found out we were expecting again, I tried to stick with my diet and exercise routines but I just couldn't. Morning sickness aggravated by over-exertion, weird cravings, and needing to keep something in my stomach at all times in order to be able to function throughout the day threw a wrench in my new-found health endeavors. But... this is my before and after from round one of Post-Partum weight loss:



Oh muscle. I miss you. 


Anywho, now it is time to start again!! My goal isn't to be tiny, it's to be healthy and strong! I felt amazing when I was really sticking to taking care of my health, even though it is BRUTALLY rough to start all over! But if four kids don't demand you get in shape, I don't know what does. Sheesh do I need the energy!!

I actually started exercising again last week. My friends and I have been working out at 5am Monday - Friday. I only missed Thursday because my infant kept me up literally all night and I needed to sleep before my husband went to work. 

I have started ChaLEAN Extreme DVD's again from Beachbody. I don't sell Beachbody, but I am a hardcore believe in their workouts!! Strength training is the way to go for me. I love it. I feel empowered, there is less strain on my joints, and overall I just enjoy it more than those bouncing around sweating a lot but too fast to get proper technic sorts of videos that to be honest, I can't even do. 

I will do the strength training until I am better able to do the cardio -type workouts like Jillian and 21 Day Fix. Once I am stronger, it actually makes those workouts more enjoyable. I can barely do a pushup at the moment. 

My eating was AWFUL this past week. I had good intentions but I am still undoing some really bad habits of eating whatever sounded good at the moment, since that was the only thing I could do for about nine months! My plan is to go back to the 100 Days of Real Food plan/blog, starting tomorrow. 

So, here are the stats:

Starting weight before pregnancy: 155ish
Weight gained in pregnancy: 50lbs
Weight lost 6 weeks post-pregnancy: 20lbs
Weight last week: 185
Weight today 181
Week One Weight Loss: -4lbs

Not bad for indulging in ice cream and extra helpings of whatever the heck we had. 

Here goes for another week! I'll be back next Monday with my results. 

Before pics this time: 


Pray for me... gotta get up earrrrrllly! But you know what? The way I feel after a workout is worth it! I promise myself to take care of myself so I can take care of everyone else. :) 

God bless!



Saturday, September 19, 2015

Sexual Sin Hurts Everyone

When I heard of the Ashley Madison hacking/scandal where at least two prominent Christian men -- one of those men a prominent vlogger and one, the one and only Josh Duggar -- were ousted as members of the site which promised to provide marital affairs .... I thought....

I am not surprised.

I can't tell you how often I see/hear/or am asked to pray for women who mourn their boyfriends' or husbands' affairs, porn addictions, and sometimes even criminal sexual acts.

More and more men (and women) are falling into deep and serious sexual sin and I am 100 percent convinced that if abuse was not a factor in their own upbringing... we can lay the blame squarely on addictions to pornography.

It seems anonymous, but it isn't. Porn is a serious sexual sin - viewing, taking part in, or distributing. Pornography takes the mind and senses into darker and less satisfying places until finally the images aren't enough.

Please don't misunderstand... I am absolving no one of their own free will and lack of self-control, but the ease in which porn is accessed, the ease in which one can become hooked to porn, and the transformation of sexual desire from self-giving to predation lead down a darker and darker path until...

It isn't good enough to sit behind the screen.

Porn makes it easy for someone to take, to grasp, to control, and to feel powerful, when in reality, porn itself takes over that control. Porn itself takes.

Porn makes its viewer powerless.

Porn emasculates men and objectifies women.

People are aghast when a Christian or self-proclaimed moralist is caught in serious sin. I myself have experienced similar feelings when someone I respect is "found out" to be...

a sinner.

Here is the thing though... sexual sin doesn't discriminate. Pornography addiction doesn't discriminate and until you KNOW THE MEANING OF YOUR BODY AND THE GIFT OF SEX YOU WILL NEVER OVERCOME THIS SIN!

NEITHER REPRESSION NOR INDULGENCE ARE THE ANSWER!

Sorry to shout. I just can't place enough emphasis on this!

Your body was meant for UNION. Not union with a computer screen. Union with another person if you are called to marriage, or union with God until and if you have a spouse when another person is invited into that one-flesh union. The Trinity is imaged through the human family! Self-giving, life-giving! Total!

And FREE.

Pornography entraps and enslaves. Ask anyone who has tried to quit their addiction. They may not have even realized it was an addiction until they tried to walk away.

What they find tantalizing on screen is meaningless. Empty. Porn reduces healthy sexual desire and the people on screen to little more than a fix for a sexual appetite. Many of those men and women in films or in whatever media was employed to view and produce porn were abused, hate themselves, are hurt and exploited, have disease, are addicted to drugs, and/or are pressured into extreme behaviors by violent and manipulative "producers". A porn user may not think about how degraded the man or woman in a scene may feel or what their parents or children may think. A porn addict may not realize that someone out there loves the people on the other side of that computer screen and that despite the most degrading act they may engage in, they have dignity given to them by God Himself. The same God who sees the woman caught in adultery, yanked from safety, thrown in the street exposed and vulnerable, about to be stoned by hateful men and He reaches out to her, LOVING HER and stepping between her and the men who would harm her.

Sexual sin is never secret. We may think we are safe in the wee hours of the night, clearing viewing histories, and having secret credit cards, etc, but someone knows. God knows, yes. But the way a person addicted to porn looks at an attractive person is telling. The way a person can't look at you is telling. The way they interact is telling.

Just as building virtues can radiate from our mind and heart to our demeanor and interpersonal relationships, so does engaging in serious sin. 

Sexual sin has a ripple effect. Josh Duggar paid a lot of money to keep his sin secret. But Josh Duggar had an addiction that was never quite healed, though I do believe he put in a good effort, and I give him the benefit of the doubt. I have many holy friends who have struggled to be free from this addiction and it is brutal, particularly because it is so easy just to stumble across. However.... Josh and his family tried repression. Repression is trying to ignore desire. Repress those feelings! BAD!

Like Elsa in Frozen -- Conceal, don't feel!!

NO!!! That is NOT THE ANSWER!! Don't repress sexual desire, take it to the Lord! Ask Him to make that desire for beauty and love. Desire without love is lust. It is hate... take, steal, use, abuse.

Look at Sacred art in which the male and female body are painted nude. Those depictions pointed to beauty! The woman as the last creature to be created in God's Kingdom as the crown of all creation, is beautiful!! Her body, our bodies, are beautiful! They are beautiful because they are sacred and fashioned by love Himself.

The way our bodies are treated and depicted in art today, particularly in music and photography, is abusive and vulgar and strips not simply clothes but attempts to strip dignity as well.

Just giving in, sexual revolution, "safe sex"..... indulgence,  is not the answer either!

Just take a cursory look at society at the most sexually "liberated" people.  Miley Cyrus is the first person that comes to mind... Do you think she is happy? Does she exude beauty? Or is she shooting for lust? It is her body and her choice, and in her free will she can choose to express herself however she wants but let me be perfectly clear...

She deserves love.

Her vulgarity and constant tongue sticking out don't say, "I love myself." They literally say, I care nothing about myself, take what you please, whomever wants it can have it.

When we know we have something precious, we protect it. 

We must protect our sexuality from being exploited, abused, used, or manipulated.

So where do we go from here?  It is pretty impossible to not come across porn. In many ways, I fear for my boys and I am already praying that they won't become enslaved to lust and addictions driven by lust.

1. Thank God for beauty. We are teaching our kids now to appreciate true beauty. To acknowledge the beauty around us in nature or people and say, "Thank you, God, for this beauty."

My son told me that a waitress was lovely.  I don't laugh at him or tease him or tell him that is inappropriate, I say, praise God that in his innocence he recognizes beauty. I said, yes.. she is very lovely. God makes beautiful people! When we thank God instead of turn to lust, we have to acknowledge that this person is not ours for the taking. The person belongs to God, and as you are wonderfully and fearfully made, so are they.

2. Take insecurities to the Lord. Thank Him for the beauty He has given to others as well. 

In my own insecurity, when I see a beautiful woman, whose beauty I am tempted to envy, I have learned to thank God for making her beautiful. A priest taught me that when I confessed my struggle with jealousy. It has truly been transformative for me. I can say I really have become a different person through this regular practice. The more we inflict self-hatred upon our minds and hearts, the easier it is to fall into sin against our bodies.

3. Ask the Lord to transform your view of the human body as an image which reflects the Trinity and gift of LOVE - Free, Total, Faithful, Fruitful. 

We are currently in the market for Sacred Art to display in our home. Art that depicts the beauty of the human body to counter what my kids may come across in magazine stands at the checkout, or media, or even in people around them. That is where we are starting with the kids. It is the difference between an incredible symphony composed by Mozart and really any pop song on top 40 these days. There just is no comparison between making something beautiful and making something marketable.

4. We fall so we know the experience of getting back up. Go to Confession and move on. 

If you have a porn addiction, please realize that you are not bad. You need support, and the more we bring our struggles into the light, the easier it is to face them and to heal and move forward. Go to Confession, ask a friend to pray for you, set up an accountability system, change your routine to avoid long periods alone in vulnerable times to the day.  The book Spiritual Combat by Dom Lorenzo Scapoli states that when you sin you should repent and go about your day as though it didn't occur. The temptation is to punish ourselves by reliving our sin, but if we do that, we are more likely to think we can do no better than sin and we will repeat it again! Thank God for His great mercy! But do what you have to do to break free from the addiction.

5. Cling to the Lord and know how much He loves you. 

People say that Jesus accepted everyone. Mary Magdalene the prostitute, Matthew the Tax Collector...The thing people overlook is that the biggest sinners in the Bible we not simply "accepted" but LOVED and they radically changed their lives because they encountered His love. He loves you. He calls you to the best version of yourself and when you are in love, it gives you courage to do radical things including radically change terrible habits and cast off the shackles of addiction. Pray and take advantage of the grace that He offers you to overcome.

That's it for this blog. It has just been on my heart for awhile and has actually taken me weeks to finish. I pray for you and I pray for your freedom if this is your struggle and your healing if this is your wound. I pray for your families. There is no greater gift we can give to someone who struggles with porn addiction than our prayers.


If you need more inspiration, check out this book. The book is called Restored and is about True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn. My friend wrote a chapter in it. Check it out and if you need additional resources, let me know and I will direct you to some awesome support!

God bless!

Sunday, September 6, 2015

This is a homily from our pastor, Fr. Wesley Schawe that I meant to post awhile ago! It is just as relevant now as it was then, so I would like to share it now... Please pray for my family and I as we feel we have been hit with many, many things at once! When it rains it pours! God bless you and thank you for your prayers for our family and ministry! 

--------

Wednesday, July 15, is quickly approaching. It will be the day after watching the KC Royals play in a bonus game—also known as the All Star Game—and is traditionally known as the slowest sports day of the year: the one day that there are no major sporting events in the United States. So what do you do on a day when there’s nothing to talk about? Apparently, you just talk about nothing—because that’s what they do.
But not the case in the world of faith right now. Instead, we find ourselves this weekend with more to digest than one can take in at a single time. In particular, 2 events that have shifted the ground under our feet have arrived barely one week apart. First, Pope Francis released his 2nd encyclical—but really the first that is his primary thought—called Laudato Si, on the Care for Our Common Home. Then yesterday, as expected, the United States Supreme Court ruled that there is a constitutional right for someone to marry someone else of the same sex. The impact of both appear to be far-reaching and long-lasting.
Is it possible that God would give us readings this weekend that could help us find our footing on both major events? When you consider that He chose the readings—not me—then it’s very likely that there is something timely that He wants to tell us. Keep in mind that all things will develop over time. Full disclosure: I’ve not ever read the new encyclical. But on a weekend that is anything but the slowest news day of the year: why not let the Lord speak first?

God fashioned all things that they might have being, and the creatures of the world are wholesome. Those simple words from the Book of Wisdom adknowledge that all things come from God, and were created for the good. That means that the earth—our common home—is a gift from God that has been entrusted to us. Yes, human beings are the crown of God’s creation, but that doesn’t mean that we are to use everything below us—animals, plants, water, minerals—like a disposable camera, to use it for my purposes then move on. And that is particularly problematic when it leaves others—especially the poor—without those same resources or, worse yet, to deal with the waste that remains from our own use. 

Some would say that we should leave a conversation about the environment to a scientist—which, ironically Pope Francis is a scientist. But even if He were not, the claim that Scripture and Tradition have nothing to say about the environment is a claim that God has nothing to say about the environment, which I don’t believe. If God fashioned all things that they might have being, then that means that all things—including the environment—have a spiritual dimension


And that very same realization: that God fashioned all things that they might have being, and the creatures of the world are wholesome, is the same realization that everything is created for a specific purpose. Even marriage, which existed long before Christianity, has as its natural purpose the one-flesh union of man and woman. That one-flesh union may or may not bear fruit in children, based on age, illness, or infertility. Producing children is not the basis of a valid marriage, the marital union is. Does that exclude certain people from the possibility of marriage? Yes. Does that make them any less wholesome? Absolutely not. But by creating a right to something, we imply that wanting it is the only prerequisite. In doing so, we forget that God fashioned all things. I’m not called to a one-flesh union of marriage either, even though I recognize what a good thing that is.



From this earth, to the people who inhabit it, to the things we do on it, all are ordered to the good. We are all guilty at times of introducing disorder—but in this particular time, the Book of Wisdom is appropriately names—asking God to lead us to the Truth.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Childbirth and the Crucifixion

Wow! What an amazingly holy, incredible, terrifying, awful, beautiful experience!!

We just recently welcomed our fourth child into the world - Diego Francis, 8lb 4oz, 21 inches long on August 5th. I thought he would never arrive because my labor just kept starting and stopping for days. It was nuts! I would tell David, "Don't go anywhere -- this is it!" And then it would stop and I felt like the biggest failure of a child-bearer.

And, I was big. Very big.

So big, in fact, that people gently, in hushed tones, confided in me that they thought I was having a giant baby. Or twins.

#thingsthatmakepregnantwomencry

Every labor is different, but the reason I feel called to share this one is that this one was my first med-free delivery.

With Damien, the epidural was amazing and exactly the right choice for me.

With Lucia, I got the epidural too late -- she was born twenty minutes after it was put in.

With Elias, the epidural numbed my left leg. I was quite the sight, carrying my baby in my hospital gown, dragging my left leg behind me. It's the stuff of horror films.

So, this time around I thought, you know... I've basically given birth without the epidural twice. I think I can do this one without the epidural. Also, unlike other services... if you get the epidural, you still have to pay for it whether it worked or not. There is no money-back guarantee, so I just didn't want to throw more hundreds of dollars down the drain in the event that it didn't work for me again.

Little did I realize, this would be the longest... labor..... EVER! Starting and stopping all weekend, finally getting revved up enough to where we could go in on a Tuesday around noon after laboring all morning and finally ultimately giving birth on Wednesday around 8:30am.

I also had a stomach bug and hadn't eaten since breakfast Monday morning. It was brutal!!

But I am already overly confident that I could do it again. See, what grace God gives mothers that makes us open to life! (Though, someone asked me if I would do natural labor again right after Diego's birth and I said I never wanted to have another child ever, ever, ever again.)

#thingsnottoaskmomsrightafterlabor


Anyway, I digress... the main point of this post is to share how I reflected on the Sorrowful Mysteries throughout my labor and that is honestly what got me through the frustrations, the hunger, the fatigue (I had been up almost 48 hours by the time Diego was born due to laboring off and on throughout Monday night), the pain, etc. It was a very sanctifying experience for me and I am grateful for that spiritual growth and also even just learning a lot about the amazingness of the human body and miracle of life!

THE 1ST SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Agony in the Garden

Truly no one can go through labor but you as the mama. No one can take this cup from you. No one can really do anything to share the pain along with you. It is your cross to bear. There were times in the labor when I felt totally alone - that in refusing pain medication, no one could really help me.  Then there were times when I looked at David and said, "Are you still sleeping? Could you not stay awake with me for one hour?" :P  As the nurse came in and told me to concentrate and focus on making the contractions more productive, she turned to David and said, "Aw, hon, would you like a blanket and pillow?" Yeah. Get him a blanket and pillow.

#thingsthatmakelaboringwivesangry


I was able to really meditate during the contractions and could actually sing hymns during them! I became so relaxed, though that I ended up slowing down the contractions! How crazy is that?! When the nurse came in and threatened pitocin, I knew I needed to get out of meditation and focus on the pain. All of a sudden, the contractions strengthened. I was fascinated by this process!! And moved to reflect on the second sorrowful mystery...

THE 2ND SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Scourging at the Pillar

In reflecting on this mystery, I kept repeating to myself that my pain threshold is stronger than I think it is. I imagined the pain Jesus felt, being scourged over and over, and yet how He survived and bore the pain. At this point, my water partially broke (I HIGHLY recommend the Side-lying release move on www.spinningbabies.com -- It moved things along when I stalled out twice! NO Pitocin!)  So the pain became more intense. The fatigue was incredible. Trying to focus on endurance was what I tied to this mystery... Not to mention, there is no modesty in childbirth. Jesus was stripped and humiliated for the sake of our lives, for our salvation. In labor, modesty goes out the window for the sake of bringing new life into the world. It is humbling to be so vulnerable, but my focus was so much on that of my little baby, that I didn't care. I imagine it was the same for our Lord... that His focus was so much on us, His children, that He didn't even think about His own suffering or humiliation.

THE 3RD SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Crowning with Thorns

This mystery made me laugh, actually, because the only thing I could think of to meditate on was the crowning of my own baby's head! Come on, kid! Show thyself! :) Jesus was given a drink, must have been famished. I was starving and could only eat ice chips! I did sneak a mint or two..... This mystery, though, marked for me my halfway point. I can do this, I told myself over and over. My labor had stalled again and the nurses were literally about to bring in the pitocin when my water really broke. Like... I was wondering if there was actually a baby in there kinda broke. And that is when the pain skyrocketed. David encouragingly told me that my contractions were off the chart.

#thingsthatpaniclaboringwomen

THE 4TH SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Carrying of the Cross

When my water broke and my stomach consequently deflated like.. I dunno.. about a foot... I realized the weight I had been carrying for so many months. The weight that had bore me down, gave me swollen feet, pained hips, sore back, made my daughter refer to me as a "roly-ball" and caused me to have to wear a multitude of stretchy pants.... The weight was about to be relieved as I laid down this cross... but as with all crosses, the end isn't death but new life, eternal life.

THE 5TH SORROWFUL MYSTERY: The Crucifixion

Not gonna lie. At this point I was screaming. Not bloody murder screaming, but loud enough to think for a moment... I wonder if this is normal... The doctor told me I could still have something for pain if I wanted it... Okay, I said. "But it will have to go in your back."  "No. No I can do this." To me, anyone touching me at that point was a thought more painful than just being left alone to finish this out. I remember a friend telling me that just when you think you can't take it anymore, it's almost over. I honed in on that. It is almost over. Three hours on the cross my Lord, and just when You couldn't take it anymore, it was almost over.

He cried out in a loud voice.

Pierced in His side.

Out flowed blood and water.

I started to push. "No, don't push yet, it's not time." But my body didn't care what time it was, I could not stop. I couldn't stop pushing at all and no amount of telling me to relax would help. It was time.

Three pushes. Out came my boy.

When they placed him on my chest, I couldn't even raise up to look at him. I held him as I trembled uncontrollably from the adrenaline. I couldn't stop shaking. I was in so much pain. But I just held him.

David took out his cell phone camera so I could see the face of our boy on his phone screen.

It was finished. It is accomplished.


_________________________________


While it was certainly my most exhausting and difficult labor, I will always think back on it fondly. It was such a profoundly beautiful agony. The moments David and I sang through the contractions... When David looked at me and told me that I was his hero and he was so proud of me...and that watching me go through this labor and delivery moved him to tears.

That he now understood why men hold doors for women... Why they are called to protect women... because be it physically as mothers or spiritually as mothers, we are able to pour ourselves out to give life in a way that they can't.

It was amazing.

I share this picture with you, even though it isn't the prettiest, but because I am so amazed at the miracle of life. The abundance of love that can lead one to suffer such incredible pain....

Maybe you are a mother who can relate to this. But even if you have not given birth to your kids, if you have adopted, or you are a godmother or take care of others in a nurturing, life-giving way, you understand. Because you love at the capacity which gives you courage to suffer. You love at a capacity which gives you endurance in the midst of suffering. You love at a capacity that offers hope to others in the midst of suffering.


We are so thankful to everyone who has lent a hand, sent us meals and gift cards and diapers, well-wishes, prayers, and love. You are what makes this life beautiful.

God bless!


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

It is True, Love Has Won.

This blog... I would rather go to the dentist than write this blog, but I would be remiss if I did not briefly address some of the hatred, fallacy, and impending persecution of the Church. I really have taken my time to pray and reflect on the most appropriate way to address the Supreme Court's most recent decision, allowing gay unions to be considered the same as traditional marriage, thus redefining a term used throughout civilization. I think I have to break this down into several parts, so this blog will be in shorter thoughts. Also,  hopefully you can come back and read the rest if you cannot get through the whole thing at once!

PLEASE READ THROUGH THE WHOLE THING! Please don't skip, because we all know out of context means misunderstanding. And commenting out of context is sort of a pet peeve. (Poor St. Paul).

Let us start with the basic:

WHAT IS THE CATHOLIC VIEW OF MARRIAGE?

Heaven.

Marriage between male and female is a foretaste of Heaven. The complete gift of oneself and union to another. Marriage is the actual imprint of the Most Holy Trinity into our very beings. In the Trinity, God the Father gives everything He is to the Son, Jesus. Jesus receives this gift and in turn gives everything He is back to the Father and this exchange of Love is SO POWERFUL it literally is a third Person - the Holy Spirit. When God made us in His image, through the complementarity of male and female, He created this same exchange for us to mirror the Trinity and experience a taste of a one flesh union. In holy. uncontracepted, faithful matrimony, the husband is able to give himself entirely to his wife, holding nothing back - not his fertility, not his commitment, not his love, nothing. In turn, the wife receives that gift in the marital embrace and in turn gives herself entirely to him, holding nothing back -- not her fertility, her commitment, her love, nothing. This exchange of love is so powerful that it can create a third person - a baby - but is nonetheless fruitful through the constant act required of marriage which is self-giving love.

NO other union is capable of this exchange in mirroring the Trinity.

A baby conceived out of wedlock, though a blessing and unique, unrepeatable life, was conceived without total commitment of matrimony.  A contracepted marital act says, "I give myself to you, but (for whatever reason) I am not open to creating with you, and so I will hold back my fertility." And a gay/lesbian sexual act is missing the complementarity of the exchange, cannot co-create, and cannot give entirely of him/herself in the one flesh union. The man gives the woman what she does not have, and vice versa. In gay and lesbian unions, a man has already what his male lover can give, and a woman has already what her female lover can give.

Now, this said....

This does not mean there is no love in those unions.

This does NOT mean that gay and lesbian love is illegitimate and in fact the Church says it is very possible that a holy love may exist between gay and lesbian partners.  The challenge that society will not accept is that the Church says that love must be chaste love... In the same way it calls non-married heterosexual couples to have chaste love. In the same way married people must have chaste love. In the same way priests and those called to religious life are called to have chaste love.

What does that mean? It means people who have same sex attractions are called to live chastity, to live out purity. It is not a different call from the rest of us, but it is a call that is often misunderstood as a judgment or punishment. Same sex attraction is not synonymous with living in exile or loneliness in the eyes of the Church. It is synonymous, though, with being unable to fulfill the male/female requirements of matrimony. Did you know there are holy Catholic men and women who have same sex attraction and are living a chaste lifestyle with deep, loving, holy friendships/relationships? Society tells us that if we are not having sex, we must be miserable. 

But love doesn't equal sex.

Sex is an expression of love, but certainly not the only one. The six plus weeks after a woman has a baby, she is unable to have sex. Does her husband therefore not love her?

Prior to marriage, we are called to abstain from sex. Does that take away our love for one another?

Certainly not.

I do not have sex with everyone I love. That would be called weirdo nut job. The fact that I don't have sex with everyone I love does not lessen my love for them and with my husband, on our wedding night, sex did not increase my love for him. It is an expression of love and commitment and two becoming one flesh, inseparable and a way for us to establish a family, raise children as fruits of that union as God calls us to be fruitful and multiply!

Indeed Christ tells us the highest form of love is to lay down your life for a friend.

We are ALL called to love.

2. So, Love Wins, but What is Love?

What is love?

Ask people to define love and no matter the age of the person, the answer is often very much akin to what you would expect to hear from a five year old! "Love is a feeling", "Love is wanting to be with someone so much that you would do anything", "Love is romance", "Love is something that makes you feel all happy inside."

We get an awesome definition of love in Corinthians... love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy... it is not boastful or rude or conceited, love never fails, God is love.

What is love? God is love.

If love is simply a feeling, it is no better than anger or depression or hunger or thirst. It is fleeting and temperamental. It is convenient and it requires no commitment or effort. If love is sex, then it will also be gone as soon as the sex is no longer available. Love is the sacrificial gift of oneself. Putting the other above yourself, laying down one's life for the sake of another. Love is "my Body given up for you." -- A Scripture I can certainly relate to as I near the birth of my fourth child and experience in a tangible way my body given up for this little one out of my sincere love for this new life.

Love isn't narrow minded either. Love welcomes others into itself. 

So when people say "love wins" and then spit on priests walking by, or name call, or judge others, it isn't really love winning, is it? And when people say God loves us and refuse to recognize the dignity of our fellow man and the crosses, including but not limited to that of same sex attraction, that person carries, it isn't really love is it? God withholds Himself from no one. God IS love, and God's love led Him not to roses and warm fuzzies or even rainbows. It led Him to the cross. It led Him to literally pour Himself out completely.

He gave you His dignity, being mocked and spat upon.

He gave you His humility, being crowned with thorns.

He gave you His purity, being stripped naked for all to see.

He gave you His body, blood and water poured forth from His side, but then also in the Eucharist, to continue a one-flesh union with us as we prepare for the union with Him in Heaven.

He gave you His Mother, at the foot of the cross.

And after all of this, He gave you His mercy.

That is love. Love won, not at the Supreme Court, and love winning is more than a cheesy trending hashtag and rainbow filters. Love won when after all we did to Him, He not only rose again, but invites us into His Heavenly Kingdom.

If I were the Lord, I would have smote us by now. It is probably a good thing none of us are the Lord.


3. Love Isn't...

I find it hilariously depressing that in the all-accepting, free-thinking, "educated", tolerant, loving society that we have, that if you speak a counter-cultural opinion, you may guarantee the following actions to be taken against you:

1) You will lose your job.
2) You may be sued.
3) You will be publicly shamed.
4) You will be called a number of things ending in the word "phobe" or "-ist" or "bigot."
5) You will be blacklisted.
6) You will undergo financial ruin.
7) You will be forced monetarily, publicity-wise, and by the all-powerful government to comply with the current cultural opinion.

Isn't this horrific to a free-thinker? If someone has an old view, that the earth revolves around the sun, does it necessarily make it wrong? Are progressive ideas the only ideas that are true? Acceptance of homosexuality is older than non-acceptance, actually, in civilization. Learn the history before saying it is a good thing we are progressing from *antiquated ideas* because it is false that widespread promotion and acceptance of same sex unions is new. There is nothing new under the sun. (Ever hear of Sodom and Gomorrah?)

Other so-called progressive ideas that are actually nothing new... Ancient cultures accepted child sacrifice (currently known as abortion), Pedophilia (Greek pedophiles actually get disability pay from the government since 2012 now), concubines (now open marriage or pornography or any number of things can go here), abuse/enslavement of women (now the culturally accepted by both men and women BDSM, pornography, etc). Our traditional Christian ideas may go back a ways, but Christian ideas led a majority to end many things like slavery, create hospitals, create opportunity for education for all, and so on and so forth. Please, don't get your history from blogs and memes. Even mine... Go do some non-Wikipedia research!

Progressivism is really not the same as liberalism. Liberalism really does make use of science and logic to negotiate a stance. I find it so much easier to dialogue with someone who declares themselves conservative or liberal than a progressive. Progressivism is 100% based on feelings. That is why you cannot call a progressive out on a hypocritical stance, because it is such an individualistic, subjective philosophy that there are no consequences and even if there are, you need to mind your own business. They can call out Christians, rightly so, for our own hypocrisy though -- why? Because we profess publicly to hold ourselves to standards communally shared and dictated by our faith. The only difference between our hypocrisy is that in Christianity you find and expect repentance and we know in our sin and imperfection we need a Savior. 

Here are a few cracks in the armor of current progressive thought:

1) You are born with your sexual attractions, however, your gender is a social construct. So it is possible that your sexual attractions could change with your socially constructed gender.
2) You need to stay out of people's business and let them love who they want, but you must be complicit in all of our ceremonies celebrating these relationships or you are a bigot and we hate you and will destroy you.
3) Marriage is an awesome standard for gay and lesbians couples to have to show their commitment to one another, but hetereosexual, cohabitating couples don't need a piece of paper to prove they love each other and should be able to sleep with whomever they want at any time even if not a spouse.
4) It is a sob story and valid reason for abortion when a child will be raised by a single parent, due to the challenges and lack of the opposite sexed parent in the household, but children raised by two parents of the same gender will experience no negative effects in not having a mom or not having a dad.
5) You are entitled to your opinion as long as it is not religiously based and does not remotely suggest a potential or possible consequence of anyone else's actions.
6) This was an actual court case... A cake baker does not have to serve someone who wants to write messages against homosexuality on a cake, but they DO have to serve someone who wants a wedding cake for their gay marriage.
7) You may love any of us, but if you suggest an alternative solution to our problems other than the one we are currently promoting, you are a bigot and we hate you and will destroy you. (IE suggesting that perhaps a transgender who has conflict between brain and body should try to change their brain before submitting themselves to physical, financial, emotional, social risks when changing the body.)
8) Let your child decide his or her gender and stay out of the public schools way in teaching your child about his or her own sexuality. But leave same sex parents alone so they can raise their children with their own values.


I could go on, and this is really the only part of this blog that I get emotional/upset thinking about it.

Sometimes when I listen to techno music, I literally want to bash my head into a wall, and the same goes here as I try to negotiate logic where there literally is no logic. I am usually able to have fantastic conversations and debates with people from all walks of life, but I cannot wrap my mind around a feelings based pursuit of knowledge and lifestyle and a feelings based approach to discussing things like social issues. I like to balance my actions with the reactions. Sin and consequence. Love and truth. It is hardest to swim upstream, against the cultural flow, but if I cannot grasp logically and historically an idea...it makes me wonder if it really is the best thing. Intellectual discussion and pursuit used to be valued and I think we will get back to that, but probably not for awhile.


4. Persecution of Christians

It is hilarious that people are laughing when we bring this up. Did you know what the most persecuted group of people in the world is and has been? CHRISTIANS and JEWS! That is right! We foresee this coming because we have never stopped experiencing it. From Ireland, to Mexico, to North Korea, to China, to currently the Middle East, to here in the United States where a Muslim can wear their burkas but we cannot hang a crucifix in our office. Persecution is not something we pulled out of our you know whats, it is something our brothers and sisters experience daily. Now the latest talk is we are threatened to lose tax exemptions if we do not perform gay marriages. Do you know why we are tax exempt? And I will only speak for the Catholics here, not mega Churches and coffee house churches and other religions because I have no idea of how they use their money. But Catholics send the money they receive on Sundays to Catholic Charities who help immigrants and homeless and battered women and children, to missionaries overseas who are providing food and education and healthcare to third world villages and communities, to soup kitchens here, to Vincent dePaul which actively ministers to the needs of the poor and helps them to find jobs, and so on and so on and so on. Sure the government could take all of that over, but do you want them to? Look at the dysfunction of the welfare system. The government cares about getting homeless off the streets because it is an embarrassment. Christians and people who actually love people care about the homeless because THEY CARE ABOUT THE HOMELESS!! The last thing government needs is more power, but when we turn away from God, our inclination to seek a higher power turns to government. And government becomes our god. 

There is hatred on all sides of the debate regarding gay marriage, but you know what is going to happen to Christians? We won't be slaughtered here like we are slaughtered in the Middle East - actually gay and lesbians join us in being slaughtered in the Middle East (See what hatred does?) But we will be killed more civilly. Bullied by well-funded advocates of *tolerance* to participate in ceremonies that violate our beliefs. Fined and sued until financial ruin. Job loss and suffering of our families. Coercion, manipulation, incarceration, censorship. In first world countries, we persecute people much more civilly but as ultimately deadly as third world beheadings. This isn't a prophecy, or prediction or whiney exaggeration. This stuff has already happened and is already happening.

IF WE SEEK TO COEXIST THIS HAS TO STOP.

I would never sue you because you did not want to host my prayer service. I would take my freedom and my money somewhere else. I would never sue you and rat you out to the media because you called me a bigot, homophobe, racist, sexist, etc, etc, etc. I would never do that. Do you know why? Because while I may not agree, I respect you and your right to have your beliefs and your right to decline services based on those beliefs. 

I would never shove my beliefs down the throats of your children in what is intended to be a neutral academic environment.

I just expect the same respect. But unfortunately, being politically correct has become the god of society. They will worship at its altar no matter the cost or casualties.

In that same vein, I know that I, as a Christian, have to deserve that respect by treating those who believe differently from me with love. I strive to see Christ in everyone. I strive to love more deeply.

You are not defined by your sexuality, your sin, etc. You are defined by the simple fact that you are created by Love Himself and you are His child, and He makes no mistakes. 

So, would I come to your gay wedding? Yes, I would. (See, this blog gets on everyone's nerves now!) Because I love you and I would pray for you, though I would not waiver from my belief that marriage is defined by man and woman united as one flesh under God. In the same way I would attend a non-Catholic wedding, believing that marriage is a Sacrament and more than a piece of paper handed to us by a justice of the peace.. I would come. And I would love and I would pray for you.

Would I be an active part of the ceremony? Probably not. I wouldn't do justice in participating as someone who believes this is a union, not under the definition of marriage. I would support you and be there for you throughout the relationship however, just as I would any of my friends or family and as I would expect the same.

5. State and Marriage

If the state chooses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, I think that is a matter of public policy and is a result of who we vote for. I understand that not everyone believes the same as I do, and conversion is never brought about by forcing our views upon another (see above). However, in the same breath, the state should not force, coerce, or manipulate parties into participating in that contract. No one ever forbid someone from loving another person of the same sex, we simply believe, as have generations before us for hundreds of years, that the unique bond of marriage belongs to man and woman for procreative reasons, for raising children, and as the foundation of any society. The Supreme Court, though, did not take away from the sanctity of marriage in this recent decision. The sanctity of marriage has been at risk for a very long time and that was the result of heterosexual actions! Our 50 percent divorce rate, contraceptive mentality, etc. When you take out being faithful and fruitful from marriage, any kind of union should be acceptable. Do not think that anyone will draw the line at same-sex unions, even same-sex advocates are uncertain on this one...

One thing that most people don't know.... People are denied marriage all the time!! For a host of reasons!! They may have a previous marriage. They may have lied about their age. They may not be emancipated. They may have serious addictions or a history of abusing their partner. They may not have fulfilled the legal and religious requirements to get married. They may not be able to prove their citizenship. In the Church, marriage is discerned at length and couples spend 4 months to a year or more taking classes learning about the Sacramental nature of marriage,

Consequently..... Marriage is NOT A HUMAN RIGHT. If it were a human right, anyone could get married to anyone at any time for any reason anywhere and there would be charities providing marriages to people in the street.

Marriage, like love, is a decision. It has the sacred purpose of uniting two into one flesh, no longer are they two, but one. And it is to be total, fruitful, free, and faithful. It is more than a government contract, it is a union between God and man. And not everyone has the right to it. Just as you don't have the right to friendship -- otherwise no one could deny being friends with you (or block you on social media and post nasty comments on your stuff). You don't have the right to express your anger in unhealthy ways. You don't have the right to drugs. You don't have the right to marriage because marriage is not a right. Marriage is a promise, a choice, a commitment, and the foundational piece of the family, the mini-society.

If the state wants to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples, that is something we have little power over, however, they better be prepared to hand over marriage certificates to that man who wants to marry his dog. The man who wants seven wives. The women who want three more wives. IF the logic is consistent here, in the progressive mind, marriage as a human right is therefore unlimited.

Fulton Sheen says the first time man discovered he could have no limits was when we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima.

So, there is that...

6. The Gay Marriage Movement Has Aided Christians in Many Ways

I have been blessed to know people who struggle with same sex attraction who are willing to share their stories. Who are willing to enter in to a civil dialogue in order that we may better understand one another and our belief systems. I don't know that I would have had this opportunity in the same way were it not for those efforts of those who came out of the closet to share their struggle to be loved and find love. Because this community of people who have same sex attraction is such a minority in numbers, they have often been overlooked or misunderstood, particularly in our faith communities.

I do think, however, that it is awesome that the Catholic Church has had her stance on same sex attraction for years. YEARS. Not recent days. That the Church, while recognizing that the homosexual act itself is incapable of being procreative and thus not a union according to the laws of nature for survival of the species, co-creating life with God, etc, that those with same sex attraction are just as loved as anyone else and should be welcomed into the Church. They are fearfully and wonderfully made. God has a purpose for them and those attractions are not sinful, just the sexual act.

It is not a sin to have same sex attraction.  The Church offers a deep love and union with Christ through ministries like Courage, who support those with same sex attraction who choose to live chastely.

I think the gay marriage debate has also caused us to reflect on our own marriages. Gay marriage has not destroyed traditional marriage. We have done a pretty good job of that ourselves, through contraception - sterilizing the act of marriage, infidelity, pornography addiction, no-fault divorce, cohabitation, etc. Humanae Vitae was quite the prophetic document. Read it sometime! Every single one of those prophesies has come true. The Church doesn't seek to be popular (clearly). The Church seeks to lead people to Heaven. The Church exists to provide us with the physical reality of God in the way the world cannot.

The Church never says you cannot love who you wish to love. In fact, you are supposed to love everyone to the point of laying your own life down for them. You are supposed to love your enemies and those who hate you, because even pagans and hypocrites can love their friends. The call is to love in chastity particular to your state of life. In our oversexed world, it seems impossible to be gay and live without the act of sex. It seems impossible to be single and not at least hook up. It seems impossible to stay married and faithful to the same person until death do you part. It seems impossible to stay away from pornography and porn addiction. It seems impossible to date and not have sex before marriage. However unpopular the position may be, it is our call, and all things are possible with God. This higher call brings a higher level of love and happiness and intimacy than the world that invites us to indulge our every whim.

There are a lot of angry and bitter people walking around who have tried the love without truth approach. There are a lot of angry and bitter people walking around who have tried the truth without love approach. The two go hand in hand and cannot be separated. In Scripture Jesus was the toughest on those who should know better -- the religious leaders -- but were leading people away from Him in the rules and no love approach. The people who really became followers of Christ all the way to the foot of the cross and the seed of the Catholic Church, were sinners who encountered the love of Christ and conformed to His truth.

In conclusion to my fellow Christians...

When I first heard of Rachel Dolezal, I could almost understand why she pretended to be black when she is actually white. Why? Because being white is seen as privileged or you must be racist and is generally very individualistic. As a person who is half white and half Mexican, I prefer the Mexican in me, because the Mexican community is fantastic! There is culture and food and tradition and instant fellowship, and identity, and a sense of belonging. There really isn't much of that in the caucasian/anglo community unless you like sports. But many young people seeking this sense of community and belonging have found it in various social justice movements from Vietnam to Gay Marriage. I have seen so many people, get caught up in the rainbow profile pics who then ask questions about what the ramifications of this decision could be, and want to see lines drawn around marriage so it cannot be a slippery slope including other combinations of unions.

But they don't want to seem unloving by offering an alternative thought or opinion or by NOT changing their profile pic.

Here is the thing...

No one is going to agree with you all of the time no matter what you do or do not stand for.

In the end, who are you trying to please? I am older now and care less about what people think. I guess being a mom does that to you. You do all kinds of embarrassing things as a mom. Like today... I walked through the library shouting my two year old's name because he disappeared. Didn't care what people thought of me.

What I do care about is that even if I am vehemently disagreeing with someone, do they still know and experience that I care about them? 

This is how you show love. Not with hashtags and filters and t-shirts and flags or blogs or statuses or instagrams. You love by your life. Then people who know you don't approve of their choices know that you still love them. And vice versa. Those who disagree with you find you easier to love, because

you have been authentic. 


That is really about it. Live the faith you believe or if you need to discern, ask questions, pray and study.  There is nothing more undesirable to the Lord than luke-warmness. He would prefer you hate Him than to pretend to love Him and refuse to follow Him.

Course, He would rather you love Him and follow Him and trust that He knows you inside and out, knows the desires of your heart, and loves you. YOU. SO. VERY. MUCH.




Prayers and blessings to you all, friends. Fight the good fight and love with all your might.