Weight loss Blog! Update!

So... I haven't updated, because I've been avoiding confessing to you all that I haven't made any weight loss progress...

HOWEVER!  I have made some muscle building progress, so that's good....

Here is when I first started:

That was 180 Pounds.

This is now:

At 155 Pounds. BUT .... for the first time in my life EVER!!!! I have been building muscle!!!!

I am probably the strongest I've ever been in my whole life and I LOVE IT!!!!! I'm not out of breath going up the stairs! I can carry my kids! I can do pushups! (not that many, but still....)

The thing I am really struggling with is eating! I need to stop stress eating or stress eat something with fewer calories than uh... chocolate bunnies and marshmallow peeps. I'm feeling like I need to decrease my caloric intake as well since my son isn't nursing as much - he is eating some solids - but it is so hard because I've gotten back into the habit of mindless eating while stressed. I'm trying to work out that stress and I am thankful I have been blessed with a couple of workout buddies. Find a buddy or two to workout with - it makes it more enjoyable and makes it harder to make an excuse as to why you can't workout !

I am going to move us back to whole foods and real foods using 100 Days of Real Food blog, especially now that we are out of basically everything but bread and milk. It really is the way to go, but I got lazy. I pray the sunny weather and closing on our new house will destress things a bit... Or I'll try to stress eat grapes or even celery... never mind, not celery. gross. ;)

Also, I go right back to diet coke when I'm stressed and eating like a maniac and it is so bad for me!!! 

Please say a prayer that I can continue to work on my self-control, discipline, and take care of the body the good Lord gave me!

Woohoo Amen! 

He IS Loving You Through This

"I Praise You for I am Wonderfully Made"

This is my most requested talk. The story of my testimony from cutting and suicidal thoughts because of my low self-esteem... to national speaking and music ministry stemming from a moment in time where I realized God's incredible, amazing, awesome, inexhaustible love for me. 

See... I used to cut because I hated myself. I hated that God didn't make me beautiful.  It's true. By all societal and physical standards, I was not beautiful. I was overweight, had braces/crooked teeth, dressed sloppily (in part because I hated my appearance anyway), had bad acne, etc. I felt my whole life revolved around my being ugly. I was shy. I was jealous of my younger siblings and the attention they got - I'm the oldest - and I didn't have really any close friends. 

I used to cut, because I used to hurt. 

That emotional pain was a struggle. I stayed up late and I slept late. I napped after lunch. I was lazy. I over ate. I just didn't care about life and didn't feel like I had a purpose in this life. 

I attended a retreat when I was about fifteen that changed nothing yet changed everything. In this retreat Doug Barry from Radix did a one man Passion Play where he described and acted out the Passion. He described every graphic, bloody detail of the death of our Lord in a way that I had never really heard or even understood before. I never knew the pain and humiliation He went through for me. More than that, I never knew the desperation He felt for my soul. 

Hearing this for the first time, and experiencing worship in Adoration for the first time, rocked me to the core. It was undeniable that my Savior loves me. 

And that is enough. 

That was enough for me to stop cutting and to start healing and loving God, loving myself, and loving others. 

I didn't change right away. Some things changed pretty slowly - like getting my braces off! - and some things didn't change - like battling insecurity, but I am worlds away from the person I used to be, because I've learned to turn to the Lord in these difficult moments where I am struggling to love others, myself, or even Him. 

This past year has been extremely difficult, but I know I can't complain too much. So many people have it harder than I do. We have, however, been very blessed in spite of the challenges. 

Still... some days, it was hard to get out of bed. Not because I was depressed, but because I knew the day was full of many difficult things to do and many things that I felt I just couldn't handle. I didn't want to face the pile of things that had to be done. 

One moment. 

One moment, one moment with Christ changed my life. 

One moment is powerful!!!!! It is a point in time which can never be repeated. 

During these past few weeks, months... through every hurdle I faced, my marriage faced, or my family faced.. I just took one moment to say, "Help me Jesus. I trust You."

Even if I struggled with the words... 

And I got out of bed. 

Those times when we feel we can't face the day. It starts with taking a moment - just one moment - to ask for help. We can't stop there... we have to get up. Take that first step out of bed, out of the boat, out of the house, wherever...

We have to keep going. 

God will provide what we need and He WILL love us through each moment of the day. That love is our fire and our fuel! 

My instinct even now is not always to turn to God during a difficult time... first I need to call someone, y'all! 

I need to talk all about it and ask for advice. My husband is great at asking me, "Did you pray about this?" That sometimes makes me angry. :) But it's true... praying - really praying, not laying it all out there, talking the whole time, thinking the whole time, and coming away from "prayer" with just as much turmoil in my heart...but really praying. Just saying, "Lord, You know what I need." And listen. Surrender. 

Sometimes I imagine sitting at Jesus' feet and laying down, physically, each person or intention or worry or fear that I have at His feet. There is freedom. 

You know, though, one of the most awesome things is God isn't like that annoying boyfriend that you constantly have to call or text or you never hear from them... (Not that I have one of those anymore! )... He is just as eager to communicate with you as you are with Him. He pursues you. He pursues me. You don't have to believe me. He proved it before you even existed. 

Anyway... I really felt inspired to write this tonight. If you know someone who is hurting and needs a little encouragement, please share this blog or your own faith story!

I pray that the eyes that these words are meant for may experience the amazing love of God and come to know Him more deeply -- not out of religious obligation, but out of the desire for the relationship that will change your life forever. :)

Love. :) 

What the Heck are You Waiting For?

My two year old daughter is very perceptive. She is extremely in tune to people's feelings and makes observations that amaze me for someone so young. 

The other day, I was on my computer and she asked if I would get her something to drink. I mindlessly said, "Sure honey, just a minute." 

She said, "Just a minute? But Mom, why? What are you waiting for?" 

I think the Holy Spirit took over my child's mouth and spoke those words to my heart. HA! 

Seriously!!! What are you waiting for??

I've been praying strongly for various people in my life to open their hearts to the Lord and His love and mercy for them. There are many paths that people take in pursuit of Truth, but I think if we are honest, many of those paths are seeking a truth that conforms to our lives. We don't often honestly seek a truth that we conform ourselves to...

Logically, this makes no sense. I know people constantly switching from one religion to another because they disagreed with a teaching or didn't believe x, y, or z should be considered wrong and thus make them feel guilty. Guilt = bad, nowadays. I completely disagree with that notion.. guilt means we have a conscience and are sensitive to the fact that perhaps our poor decisions or actions have affected someone else. 

But I digress...

If we want to become a better version of ourselves, as Matthew Kelly would say, we have to aspire to change and mold and conform ourselves to something better. 

For example... when I do a Jillian Michael's fitness video, I think... DANG, those girls are ripped! I would like to be in that kind of shape someday. A person who looked and could exercise just like me in my own abilities would indeed be less inspiring to me to want to work out - because I've reached that point already. 

I want to be better. Human nature longs for improvement - this is why we read, learn, exercise, take music lessons, go that extra mile, try to be more patient, etc. But we can't improve in something we've already achieved... so when we look for religion to conform to our lives, requiring no change on our part, we will find ourselves greatly unsatisfied. 

I think pursuit of Truth really comes down to two things we ought to strive for: Love and Mercy. How can I love more deeply? How can I forgive more sincerely? How can I die to myself and my selfish desires in this moment? How can I let these things that bother me go? 

Can you do this outside of a religion? Sure. But who is holding you accountable? Who is setting your standard of holiness? Who inspires you to be greater than you are? 

Pope Francis has inspired millions of Catholics and non-Catholics alike by his example and witness to what it is to conform your life to Christ. He's not inspirational because he's the Pope. He's not inspirational because of his personality. He's inspirational because he is trying to be more like Christ! I know so many people in my life who inspire me on a daily basis by their great love and mercy. Who they are and their amazing, genuine, unselfish contribution to the world is made manifest because they have tried to conform their life to Someone greater. 

We all have our individual pursuits of Truth. I've wandered around seeking... my husband as wandered around seeking... we all have, even if we consider ourselves faithful to one religion or no religion. But I think we have to really be honest and ask... are we seeking to stay the same, unchanged, and find something that pacifies us and our lifestyles? Or are we seeking to move and grow and be challenged to change? 

And if we are seeking to be challenged to change, then what are we waiting for? Why are we waiting to be who we say we are or be who we want to be? Why are we waiting for someone to invite us? Why are we waiting for a sign in the sky? 

Why can't we follow, instead, the promptings of our hearts? 

Prayers tonight for all on their journey. Amen. 

When I Grow Up, I want to be Her Husband

"Hey Mommy!" said my three year old, almost four year old son as he jumped on to his bed for his night time story.

"Hi Sweetie!" 

"I need to tell you something. When I grow up, I am going to be Lucia's husband." He said with a big smile!

"Honey, Lucia is your sister. You can't be her husband but you can always protect her. A different lady will be your wife someday."

He was confused, but in true three year old fashion, changed the subject right away. 

That conversation struck me though, and almost made me want to cry. In his innocence, and as young as he is, he has a true love for his sister. He loves her so much that he wants to be with her forever. He couldn't imagine anyone else taking her place. 

What kind of love is this? This is the kind of love we all long to give and the kind of love we all long to receive. 

But as we get older, we break a little more easily. 

As we get older, we lose our purity of heart through sin, abuse, neglect, trials, sufferings of any sort, and that love starts to come with price tags and conditions. 

I will love you as long as you never hurt me. 

I will love you as long as you live up to my expectations. 

I will love you as long as you don't love anyone else but me, 

My children get it. They get that free love. This is, in part, why I love the movie, "Frozen". Anna and Elsa have a true love for one another that isn't broken through the years. It isn't suddenly swept up in emotions and hormones from a prince charming entering the picture. It is through good and bad, cold and warmth, everlasting. 

This is the kind of love we are made for. Nothing else will satisfy us. This is the kind of love that a child can give with all his or her might! But this is the kind of love that only God can give, that lasts and heals and will never change. It will never have a price tag or a condition. It is freely given to us who want it and accept it. 

It is arms open wide, outstretched on the cross, pouring down from our Savior's side. No one can take our place. No one can take His place in our lives. 

This love calls us to love beyond earth and feelings and hormones and romance and plants us deep into the heart of Christ, where we can learn to love like Him. 

I fail so often at loving people. I start to feel bad when I'm short tempered or impatient or struggling to forgive - It is easy to feel like a failure and let that consume me. When I look to the cross, though, I see that love requires sacrifice. To love authentically really means to put another person before yourself, and while I may never be called to give up my life in death for someone I love, I am called to die to my self, my own selfishness, my own pride, my own way of doing things and LOVE that person, SERVE that person, and PRAY for that person. 

God bless you tonight and I pray we can love more. "What the world needs now... is love, sweet love..." Not fluffy gone in a day love, but everlasting Love. 

Amen! 

And We Remember How He Loved Us

Palm Sunday & Holy Week....

I love this solemn week. 

Some people would say it is depressing, but I am filled with such awe and reverence as we walk, this week, with our Lord as He journeys to the cross for us.  In such a concrete way, we are taken back 2000 years ago and walk with our Lord His journey to the cross. We read the vivid descriptions in the readings, reenact the waving of the palms and foot washing, kiss the cross on which our Savior died. 

The sights, the smells, the touch, the taste, the sounds of the Passion of the Lord. 

And yet, it's not a history lesson.Holy Week is the perfect summation of our Spiritual lives. In seven days, the Gospels capture for us an entire lifetime worth of faith. 

Palm Sunday (the Conversion!) 

This weekend we have a party for Jesus…initially! In Jesus’ time, as He entered into the temple all were hailing Him and worshipping Him, laying palm branches at His feet and giving Him treatment worthy of a King. 

I can’t help but apply this to my own life, when I have one of those “God moments” – a retreat experience or an experience of Christ so undeniable that I am excited to pray and worship Him and “do anything” for Him! It's that spiritual high that makes you want to rejoice from the rooftops, "MY God! I love you! My God, I worship You!" Or... "I'm in love! I'm in love! And I don't care who knows it!" 

How quickly we get to see if our faith is deeply rooted or if the words of Christ fell on to rocky soil. 

Holy Thursday (The test) Those who were so excited to be with Jesus and give Him royal treatment surround Him as He gives His flesh and blood in the Eucharist and one by one, they are tested in their faith. 

One betrays. 

One denies knowing Jesus. 

They all fall asleep when He asks them to pray. 

In my life where I have I betrayed (sinned)?

Where have I denied knowing Jesus (not stood up for what I know to be right)?

Where have I fallen asleep (not made faith in mine and my children’s lives a priority)? 


Good Friday (Repentance)  Upon realizing what they’ve done, the Apostles each react so differently. 

One stands with Jesus all the way to the foot of the cross. He perseveres. John.

One repents and weeps bitterly. Peter.

One despairs and takes his life. Judas.

Our Lord proves His love for us in dying for us – each and every one of us. 

How do I react to my sin and betrayal of the Lord? Do I despair and walk away from Him altogether? Do I repent and feel sorry for myself? Or do I repent and persevere in my faith, even as it takes me to the foot of the cross?

I’ll be honest… over my life it has been a mixture of all three! But at the cross, Jesus looks to John, His beloved disciple, and entrusts to him His own Mother. Jesus builds His Church on Peter, the repentant denier. The only one who went without was the one who did not return, Judas. 

God takes all of our weakness of faith, our love of Him, and our sincerity of repentance, and He uses us in spite of those things to build His Kingdom. He redeems us!

Easter Sunday (I am Made New Again!) Jesus’ glorious, triumphant Resurrection shows us that He is Lord of all and not even death can hold Him back. He shows us defeat of sin and redeems the world unto Himself. He shows us sin has no power, and He reunites us to Himself once again! Once again, we are healed. And we walk with Him into next year, living the Triduum every day. 

May we stay with Him this time, persevere and rely on Him during the tests of our faith, so that we can walk to the foot of the cross and rise with Him. 

Let us being Holy Week not as a history lesson or brand new Easter dress, but as participants in this most Holy Mystery of our Faith. Let us walk with Him.... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgDM9GNbRm4

I Failed at Lent

Normally, I can't stand blogs that glorify epic fails. It's practically trendy to have five mountains of laundry or a bad hair day and blog about how terrible you are at life, but I am writing this blog not to glorify my failure, rather to show you what I've learned from it. 

I spent a LOT of time thinking and praying about what to give up for Lent. I was already on a healthy eating crusade, so giving up some type of food just seemed more like a diet versus a sacrifice. I know that any food sacrifice would have tempted me immediately to vanity and scale watching. Plus, the whole first week of Lent, I didn't eat anyway, because I had a stomach bug!

I don't watch television, so that was out. I tried to limit my phone time, but then the kids all got perpetually sick and we've had various situations that required my immediate, lengthy, and time-consuming dwelling in the virtual world. Aside from the business and dramatic end of being connected to my phone like it was an added appendage, I just needed an outlet! No good comes from having a news app, by the way. Don't do it.

I tried to add more prayer and have been mostly successful, but was so, so discouraged by missing Masses due to sick kids who always seem to get sick on Saturday nights and into Sunday mornings. Due to David's work schedule, trying to take turns going to one Mass while the other stayed home with the kids was extremely difficult and sometimes impossible. Oh, and sometimes one of us was sick, too! 

I've been asking the Lord, "WHAT, What do You want from me? I just can't hear You and I'm sorry that I can't seem to get Lent right this year." 

I've been feeling like an epic Lenten failure. Disconnected from Mass, seeing other people graciously abstain from sweets and soda or even some who are doing service work.  They seem so connected to their spiritual growth and Lenten sacrifice, and it kinda makes me feel like I fail at Lent. 

Here I am, in the middle of Lent, still asking... Lord, what can I do for Lent, to help me grow in holiness? 

Monday night, I went to Confession.  It's been a really rough few weeks for a number of reasons, but the least I could do is repent and get rid of my sins and ways I've acted uncharitably during these weeks. After I had finished confessing my sins -- (My husband said, "You sure were in there a long time!" haha) -- the Bishop (yep, Bishop) said to me that he knows a mother who, when things get crazy, just makes the Sign of the Cross right then and there. I thought to myself, Ok, that's nice, I can do that, just to refocus and center myself on Christ. And I walked away... 

As I came home, however, frustrated that the events of the past few weeks have left me with a mountain of laundry and entire house to clean, I reflected on what the Bishop said. Make the Sign of the Cross. The Cross. 

The Cross. 

All of a sudden it dawned on me. Lent is about taking up your cross. When I used to think of carrying my cross in the context of Lent, I thought it was the cross I chose for myself, like giving up caffeine (actually that's more like forcing everyone around me to take up their crosses in dealing with me, ha). I thought the cross was my choosing and my doing.

But it's not. The cross is a cross chosen for me. I can choose to take it up or be a giant whiney pants about it. But the cross that is chosen for me is the cross that will get me to Heaven. It is the cross that will enable me to grow in the virtues I lack and strengthen the virtues I've been given by grace. This cross is the cross uniquely picked for me that will set an example to others around me in similar circumstances who are on the fence about taking up their own cross and on the fence about following Jesus. 

The Lord is telling me, through the suffering I am dealing with and have dealt with the past few weeks, to carry the cross HE has allowed me to endure. He is asking me to suffer a little more graciously and to offer it up. The cross I've been carrying has weighed me down and practically smothered me, because I've been telling the Lord that I need a different cross and that I don't need Him. I haven't relied on Him completely. I've relied on me completely and I know I fell more than three times.

Jesus needed help carrying His cross. Why should I think I'm stronger than the King of the Universe? (Even though I've been doing a LOT of strength training....)

I need to relax. I don't have to wear a burlap sack to make this a fruitful Lent. I need to bear my sufferings with holy patience and love. I need to quit worrying about my Lenten activities and start practicing daily holiness not just in the times when it's easy to feel God's love.

That's my call this Lent.

The Lord has shown me He works in our desire for holiness, but He also works in our shortcomings.

It's funny that I had this revelation the week after the Gospel reading about Jesus healing the blind man. Sometimes we can't see that we are blind.

Open my eyes, Lord. Amen!