I Can Do All Things

When I first started homeschooling my kids last year, I was full of high hopes. I just knew my kids and I would learn and have fun and stay organized and they would love me even more every day due to all this extra quality time we would spend together, frolicking in the sun and learning to read by age 4 and I would quickly be able to brag that I am seriously the....

Best. Mom. Ever.

You are laughing aren't you?

Because you know!!!!

You know what I did not and that is that kids DO NOT CARE about our dreams of being the best moms ever.

One morning I joyfully exclaimed after breakfast, "Hey Guys!! It is almost time for school!! YAY!" To which my oldest son solemnly replied, "I do not want to do school. I just want to be happy."

Ahhhh! You and me both, kid.

Day after day of plugging away... I kept praying, God give me patience!

I remember one incident where my daughter had to draw a number one. Just one number one. A line. It is a line, people. She had to draw a LINE!!!!

"It is too hard."

"I can't do it."

"I hate school."

"My hand hurts."

"I don't like this pencil."

I maintained my calm, but decided that I need a room in my house with padded walls that I can retreat to in times like these.

My mother-in-law gave me some ideas to make writing more engaging and fun. She said, tell Lucia a story. Tell her, "Once upon a time, there was ONE bear. Lucia can you make the number 1?"

I tried it. She did it. She loved it. And I put my padded room on hold.

God, give me patience.

I started to reflect, through this daily struggle of keeping the house clean, lack of adult interaction during the day most days, maintaining the music ministry, homeschooling, teaching music lessons, raising kids, etc and I began to burn out.

God, give me patience PLEASE.

One day, I was having a conversation with someone about love being a decision. Love being an act of the will and not a feeling... and I started to wonder if this applied to other things in life. And if I mastered this act of the will, could I be, if not the best mom ever, at least a moderately holy mom?

You see, I think we can apply "love is a decision" to other areas of our lives.

When I beg the Lord to give me whatever virtue I am lacking... I wonder if it isn't just that I lack the virtue, but I lack the desire to act accordingly to that virtue.

When we "run out of patience" could it literally mean that we are tired of being patient and choose not to be?

When I ask the Lord to give me better health I realize that some of these prayers require action on my part. I cannot beg for better health and refuse to exercise and continue to eat from the tin of popcorn currently sitting in front of me. (Hey! I DID get up at 5 this morning to workout!)

When I beg for greater trust in the Lord, I actually do have to step out on to the water. I actually do have to act. To follow Him.

When I beg for greater faith, I actually do have pray regularly, read Scripture, do acts of service.

Faith requires action.

I share this revelation with you because it has been pretty life-changing for me. Particularly, at this point in my life, in the areas of patience. You know those cartoons where the character's little thermometer rises until it explodes? That is how it can be for me. I tend to keep things in until I explode. Now, day by day, I am trying something different.

I try to say the words in my head, "As an act of my will, I am going to choose patience in this moment." Or when I start to feel very angry, I say, "I can choose how I want to respond to this and I want to respond in love." Or when it is almost explosion time, "CHOOSE PATIENCE"!

It takes me down a few notches and I hope eventually changes my instinctual responses to default to love and patience, gentleness, mercy, and kindness.

I have also been actively trying to fight anxieties in the same way. Normal anxieties. Family stuff, money stuff, school stuff, etc. I have started saying, "No, I am not going to think about this right now." Or "There is no right or wrong decision... there may be a better or best decision, but let us decide and move on."

Sometimes these battles of trying to choose to NOT act out of impatience take their toll physically and I feel exhausted trying to keep myself from acting out of frustration. But when I don't succumb to those things... the more peaceful our household is, which becomes such a great incentive!

Now, this isn't to say that I believe I am doing this on my own. I pray for the grace I need to take the actions I must take in order to conform my will to His. I pray for the grace to start over every stinking time I fail. I pray for the grace to love more and forgive more. I pray that God will love through me and forgive through me when I just can't seem to find the motivation.

There is a Scripture passage that really anchors this whole blog tonight. It is one everyone knows...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

I can DO. This requires action on OUR parts IN RESPONSE to Christ who STRENGTHENS us.

I can do all things. Maybe as I pray that I will add some specifics...

I can do homeschooling through Christ who strengthens me.
I can follow a budget through Christ who strengthens me.
I can get up to work out through Christ who strengthens me.
I can love this person through Christ who strengthens me.
I can forgive this person through Christ who strengthens me.


I hope all of this makes sense, and I write this with the humility of someone who fails and tries again and who seeks to share as I learn and strive to grow in my desire for holiness, better mom-hood, better wife-hood, etc. with those who may also be in the same boat!

Prayers for you. Would love to hear your stories too!

God bless and happy Gaudete week!

Noelle

Year of Mercy: Restored from Pornography Addiction

Hi friends, 

Awhile ago, I asked a friend of mine to consider sharing her story of her journey with her husband through his pornography addiction with you, my readers. She agreed, but we never set a deadline. In His perfect timing, though, she wrote to me that she was ready to write the blog -- and I think it is so wonderful to open the year of Mercy on this blog with her story. I hope you can share and receive healing through her beautiful testimony of God and His profound grace and mercy!

--- Noelle 

 ------- GUEST POST FROM ANA www.freedandrestored.com --------------

We, as the Catholic Church, have just entered into the Year of Mercy. 

Mercy as defined by the Catechism is: 

“the charitable actions by which we come to the aid of our neighbor in his spiritual and bodily necessities”. Charitable actions can include (but are not limited to): instructing, advising, consoling, comforting, forgiving and bearing wrongs patiently.

There weren’t any warning signs. Sure, there were rumblings going on beneath the surface of our 5 year marriage, but I brushed them to the back of my mind; these bumps in the road are to be expected when we have a busy life with 2 young children… I’d often tell myself.

But one evening, the rumblings erupted and a big, big problem came to light. This problem had been silently infiltrating and ruining our marriage from its very start. This problem was a silent, slow killer of my husband’s soul. The parts of him that were dying were so slow and painful for him but it was hard for me to recognize. However, once it all came to light I found myself dumbfounded in how I missed it.

The problem that came to light was that my husband is a pornography addict. 

Just reading those words, how do you feel? Does it make you uncomfortable? Does it feel like maybe I just got way too personal? Does that make you think poorly of my husband? Does it make you think that I must have been doing something wrong to push him to pornography? Does it make you think that our marriage must have really big problems that we’d been ignoring that led to this? 

Would you be surprised by the fact that around 64% of Christian men say they look at porn at least monthly? Or that of all men, 68% admit that they view pornography at least weekly?

Until this problem was literally looking me in the face, I was oblivious to the fact that it was a problem at all. Every guy does it. It doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s harmless. If it’s so widely accepted, then why did my husband carry around such shame? Why did I carry such shame for his addiction?  All of the shame attached to a pornography addiction seems ironic to me because pornographic material and viewing is so widely accepted among today’s society. Is it because of this cultural acceptance and approval that acknowledging pornography can actually be a problem – and not just a hobby - brings about so much embarrassment?

In all honesty, the shame I felt really surprised me.  Being a ‘social butterfly’, I heal and problem solve by talking to others. Even for issues within my marriage I had a solid group of married friends and mentors I could go to and, respectfully, problem solve. But this – this was something different. I wanted to talk to someone, I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it without feeling shame; shame for myself and shame for my husband.  But why the heck was I feeling ashamed? Wasn’t I just one of the victims? Isn’t this my husband’s problem?  I didn’t fully recognize the disgrace directly attached to pornography addiction until I wanted to talk to someone about me and my husband’s situation and I couldn’t think of a single person to call, email, or text. I couldn’t think of anyone in my life who had openly discussed this issue.

The questions I posed earlier weren’t just to get you to recognize the stigma attached to a pornography addict, but they were actually my own thoughts on the rare occasion I’d hear of someone with an addiction to pornography. So because I knew what I had thought, I assumed others would think the same. I feared once my family found out about my husband’s problem, that they would think our marriage had no merit. I feared that once my friends found out, they would think my husband was a pervert. I feared that once acquaintances and neighbors found out, they would assume I wasn’t meeting my husband’s intimate needs.  But I couldn’t stay silent, my emotions were too big and frankly, I was lost as to how to ‘fix’ this. This was the biggest problem our marriage had faced thus far and I was feeling hopeless and alone. 

I didn’t know where to go, so I emailed our parish priest. My husband had encouraged me to contact a good friend of mine whom he heard had faced a similar issue within their marriage in the past. Between prayer, the advising of our priest, and talking to our friends, I was able to slowly start sorting through my emotions and our marriage began to slowly start healing. It took a lot of time and grace for me to understand that pornography addiction is a true addiction. Pornography actually mimics the same effects on the brain as a drug does to a drug addict. Once I was able to realize that this was not just a hobby gone haywire, and that my husband had a true problem, it was easier to let go of some of my hurt that was falsely rooted in my heart saying that I had somehow caused this.  The more that my husband and I were able to openly discuss his addiction, the more it became a team effort to combat this addiction. 

Soon I began to understand why my husband would feel shame.  He had had a ‘bond’ with pornography that had been there since he was a young teenager. From the very beginning, pornography was something to be done privately and secretly. As he aged and relationships came and went, pornography was always secretly and privately there. As we dated and got married and started a family, pornography was always secretly and privately there. It was there for him when he was stressed or when our marriage hit a rough patch. With each secret viewing, his shame was building as was his double life. It all came to a head when he confronted me and confessed to me. As I stated earlier, I was completely oblivious; I hadn’t found anything or stumbled across images on his phone or computer. After almost two decades of looking at porn, he was a pro at erasing his footprints. He was a pro at timing. He was a pro at deceiving and pretending that everything was alright. But that night the he opened up to me, everything was not alright. He was worn, tired of living a double life, tired of deceiving me, tired of trying to fight this private struggle alone.

My husband’s shame is what kept him from talking to anyone about his hobby-turned-problem-turned-addiction. There was so much shame attached to his viewing of pornography that he would fight an interior battle, only to lose and often crumble to the floor and weep after looking at it. When he began to share with me what a true struggle this was, I could not help but have love for him. Before me was not the strong, straight-lined, disciplined, man that I had thought he was. Instead, I was looking into the eyes of a hurt and broken man, screaming for help, seeking comfort and compassion from the one woman he thought would and could give that.

Throughout our entire healing process, with as angry as I was and with as hurt as I was, it was evident that his own pain was deeper than any pain I could inflict on him, and his anger with himself was greater than any anger I could throw at him.  The love of my life stood before me worn, weak, and vulnerable. In hindsight, it was if I held his heart and soul in my hands and how he was going to live the rest of his life depended in my reaction to this entire situation. Was I going to slap him across the face and leave like a part of me wanted to do? Was I going to get angry? Cry? Hold a grudge? Was I going to give up on him? Was I going to turn bitter? Was I going to keep track of how much this hurt me and try to hurt him more? Was I going to forgive him?

By the grace of God, and for the good of my husband’s heart and soul, I was able to show him mercy when he needed it the most. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I cried. Yes I was very, very hurt. But I learned that I could feel those emotions while still gently holding his heart in my hands. I could be angry and still hug him. I could cry and still talk to him. I could be very, very hurt and still forgive him. I could feel like my entire World came crashing down before me, and still God gave me grace to show mercy.

It was through this mercy, time passing, a lot of prayer and constant forgiving that my husband and I have come out of this battle bloodied, but alive. In fact, as with most marital strife, we’ve come through to the other side and can confidently say our marriage is better now than it ever has been. My husband’s pornography addiction was a deep root in our relationship that seeped into nearly every aspect of our union. This was hard on our entire marriage; it was hard on our intimacy, it was hard on the way we communicated with each other; it was hard on the way that we treated each other; it was hard on the way we thought of each other.  We are still working through some effects of it, but the difference is that now we are facing this fight together.  I thank God for showing me grace and mercy so that I was able to, in turn, know mercy and show it to my husband.

With our World going off the rails in so many ways, we as Christians can work together to lift the veil of shame attached to pornography addiction. This evil can be remedied by communion, accountability, and discussion. The more we openly discuss such a problem that affects our lives, the more our brothers and sisters in Christ can look up and say, “You too? I thought it was just me…” and the healing can begin. 

“But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful.”    Luke 6:35-36

-----------------------------------------------

Born in a small, mid-west farming town, Ana was raised as a cradle Catholic but did not begin to deeply explore her faith until her college years.  At that time, she discovered a gift for speaking enthusiastically and candidly about lessons she has learned, and how struggles in her life have carried her closer to God. In 2015, Ana and her husband Ryan began developing
www.freedandrestored.com as a resource to share their story and encourage anyone affected by pornography addiction.  Ana lives in Michigan with her husband Ryan and their three (soon to be four) children. She most recently contributed their story to Matt Fradd’s latest book entitled “Restored”.

Restored by Cameron and Matt Fradd: http://restoredbook.com/

The Advent Nazi

I will be writing a blog for each week of Advent and at some point in the near future will update my weight loss blog which, for better or worse, is on hold due to sickness, traveling, and....... Christmas treats. ;) 

I have been pondering this blog for a while and how to word it compassionately, but I just decided... eh, what the heck. I can deal with the comments as they come!

So, let us talk briefly about what I like to call: the Advent Nazi. What do I mean by that? I mean the person who forbids, shudders, and scorns anyone who mentions Christmas in the four weeks of Advent leading up to Christmas. No lights. No tree. No carols. Yelling at everyone that *Yes, Mary did know!* Etc. 

My husband, David, is an Advent Nazi. I, on the other hand, am more like Elf. Ya know...

SANTAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. So, how do we do it? 

Once, David and I were fighting about putting up Christmas lights on the house (I wanted them, he did not, summoning the excuse that we should not put up lights in Advent and that he is holier than me, but really I think it was because he just did not want to put up lights and I am obviously holier because childbirth...) But anyway, we were in the grocery store, when a woman walked past him and called him a Scrooge!

I died laughing. 

But I have been thinking... Advent is not supposed to be somber like Lent. It is supposed to be joyful preparation and anticipation ! Just take a moment and look at the Psalms... 

Week One: To You O Lord, I Lift My Soul

Week Two: The Lord Has Done Great Things for Us, We are Filled with Joy

Week Three: Cry out with Joy and Gladness for the Great One is Among You, the Holy One of Israel

Week Four: Lord, Make us Turn to You, Let us See Your Face and We Shall be Saved

Yes, we pull out all the stops for Christmas day and the Christmas season thereafter, but should we not rejoice that this is the most wonderful time of the year where people who maybe forget about their faith the previous 11 months all of a sudden are reminded of the birth of a Savior through the lights and sounds and sights that we display -- commercial or not! That the season is full of songs of hope and peace on earth and goodwill towards men, charitable giving, and so on and so forth -- can we not rejoice in that instead of annoyingly reminding people Christmas isn't here yet? Can we welcome others into the joyful anticipation with us and gladly celebrate Advent while also making our beautiful Christmas preparations? 

I get it! I totally get it, that Advent is the waiting period. But having been pregnant four times, waiting in joyful anticipation over 9 months each time, I can tell you that the preparations I make as a mom only enhance my own excitement at the birth of my child. And YES at month 9 when I have finished all of the preparation, I realize it is not his/her birthday yet, but... 

I sing to my babies before they are born. I sing about them. I sing to them. 

I talk to them. 

I decorate. I buy them a gift that is just theirs for when they come home with me. 

I watch the labor episode of *The Office* with Jim and Pam. 

I change up the furniture as necessary. I stock up on food so I don't have to shop. 

I pray. I go to Confession. 

And I wait anxiously and excitedly for his/her birth. 

I make the same preparations for the birth of my own child as I do for the birth of My King. 

I put on the joyful music. We sing O Come O Come Emmanuel in the evening and pray.  We buy gifts, just three, each for the kids. We go to Confession. This is the one time of year I actually enjoy baking. We watch fun Christmas movies and dunk cookies in egg nog and nostalgia! And I get just as excited as the kids when it comes to Christmas morning. They know it is the birthday of our Lord!

The Gospel this past Sunday says that there will be signs of the coming of our Lord. I look at our decorations as simple signs that we believe in and anticipate the coming of our Lord and everyone can witness that as well! 

So..... how do David and I compromise on keeping the focus on Advent but joyfully anticipating Christmas? 

I insist upon lighted evergreen in the house at this time of year, so.... We have an Advent tree. A little tree we decorate with purple, then pink, then purple again. We utilize prayers and the Advent candles. And we decorate the house, but leave the Christmas tree for the week of Christmas. We listen to Christmas music, but sing O Come O Come Emmanuel as our prayer. We have an Advent calendar. We shop, but keep the gifts to three each, plus a stocking of treats. Again, tying the *three* into the amount of gifts that Jesus received. 

We compromised from literally NO decor or music and a wife who cried because if you wait until Christmas day to turn on the carols your joy is short lived since after Christmas day the rest of the world moves on to pop tunes again....  to saving the tree as our BIG DEAL decoration but making little preparations beforehand! David also hides baby Jesus so I can't put him in the Nativity scene until Christmas. Last year he lost Him though so..........we may have to find a new baby Jesus. 

Anyway, I suppose all I am saying in this post is be a pregnant woman minus the morning sickness in Advent. Don't be ashamed to prepare your heart and home for the coming of our Lord, but work up to the awesome glory of that which is His Holy Birth!! 

ALSO, this is a blog written by Linda Padgett. She has an Advent board with activities for each day in a bag to do with the kids. Charity, crafts, prayers, movies, etc. It is SUPER awesome. 

I hope to do this next year: 

http://primalhappyplace.com/advent-activities-and-christmas-magic

Check it out and Happy Advent :)