As you all know from my previous blog post, "If I Should Die Before I Wake", Brittany Maynard's tragic story of being afraid of dying to cancer and instead choosing to take her own life was really, really devastating to me. One thing that did strike me, the silver lining in a hopeless situation, is that she made a point to say goodbye to her loved ones, as some people on their death bed have the blessing to do. It's a shame she took her life and I don't ever wish that upon anyone - I don't believe it is "dying with dignity" I believe it is dying with fear of the future. People all over die with dignity despite the physical suffering, emotional torment, dependency on others, suddenness... because being loved gives them that dignity. Whether their lives are taken by illness, abuse, old age, wreck, abortion, or no explicable reason... love gives us dignity in life and in death.
This isn't the original intention of this post, though. I started to think about what I want my kids and husband to hear from me, should I not have the opportunity to have a "final countdown" so to speak... should I die unexpectedly. I know this seems morbid, but in my mind, it is beautiful because I truly try to live an intentional life. I do my best to love and serve, though imperfectly, often laced with insecurity, impatience, sin, and selfishness. For example, just today... I had to apologize to my kids for losing my temper, taking toys away and basically telling them they couldn't have fun ever again! It was literally just one thing after another, but I know that's no excuse.
I especially reflect on my mortality and love of family when we are separated. I am flying to El Paso for an event this weekend, and I will miss them terribly, but they know that "Mommy goes to tell people that Jesus loves them." And they want to grow up to do that too. It would be so amazing to me if they did. Every time I travel, I really consciously have to surrender my family and my own future.
But what I would say to them is this...
My Beautiful Children, My Holy Husband,
If you should ever learn anything from me, I pray that it is that you know and believe that God loves you so much. Sometimes I look at you each, so different, and I am so full of love for you that I could burst. I see how you love each other and I know in those moments I am experiencing Christ Himself.
Just love.
When you do something wrong, and I am upset at first, I am moved to forgive you not just because you are sorry, but because I love you so much. In these moments, I imagine how God has mercy on me, in the same way.
Be merciful.
I hope that you saw me have a welcoming heart and welcoming home. I hope you saw me treat others with respect and kindness and generosity and when I didn't, I hope you saw me apologize and ask forgiveness. I hope you saw me forgive others. I hope I was a good example of "doing unto others..." I mainly just hope you saw me start over day after day, because that's really what being holy takes. Sometimes we fall so we can get back up again.
Don't ever give up.
My boys... I pray especially for your virtue of chastity and honoring women. I pray that you know what it takes to be a man. You are a defender and protector. Your dad is my true love because he puts Christ first and would do anything to protect me from not just physical harm, but spiritual harm as well. I was his first kiss, and that was a priceless gift to me. Be a holy man of God, because that is the most deeply desired quality in a woman's heart. Be a holy man of God, because you will make your mama so, so proud. I never stop praying for you, ever.
My daughter or daughters, should I be blessed to have another :) You are beautiful. Always listen when your dad tells you that you are beautiful because he loves you and wants the best for you. Let him be the man that you hold all other men up to. He is the standard, don't let anyone love you less. though it would be pretty hard for anyone to love you more. Pray everyday. Your holiness makes you beautiful. It makes you loving and kind and forgiving and hopeful. Sure, don't neglect your appearance, but know that when you have the light of Christ in you, that is the most attractive quality in the world. I never stop praying for you, ever.
My holy husband, David. I know that I have a long ways to go in the area of good wife and mother. I know you have suffered greatly through my lack of culinary expertise. But I want you to know that I'm your biggest fan. I believe in you and I love you. When you pray every morning, you remind me to not neglect my relationship with the Lord in the midst of our crazy lives. You are the one that brings our family close to the Lord and I am so happy that you will teach our boys to be men of God and show our daughter, or daughterS someday, what to look for in a man. I know that no matter what, we will always meet in the Eucharist.
I love you.
I love you Damien, Lucia, Elias. I love you, David.
I hope I tell you that everyday. You are the best gifts I've ever received. I can't believe sometimes, that I have the privilege to be your wife, your mother.
Love, Mommy/Noelle
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