Hi friends,
Awhile ago, I asked a friend of mine to consider sharing her story of her journey with her husband through his pornography addiction with you, my readers. She agreed, but we never set a deadline. In His perfect timing, though, she wrote to me that she was ready to write the blog -- and I think it is so wonderful to open the year of Mercy on this blog with her story. I hope you can share and receive healing through her beautiful testimony of God and His profound grace and mercy!
--- Noelle
We, as the Catholic Church, have just entered into the Year of Mercy.
Mercy as defined by the Catechism is:
“the charitable actions by which we come to the aid of our neighbor in his spiritual and bodily necessities”. Charitable actions can include (but are not limited to): instructing, advising, consoling, comforting, forgiving and bearing wrongs patiently.
There weren’t any warning signs. Sure, there were rumblings going on beneath the surface of our 5 year marriage, but I brushed them to the back of my mind; these bumps in the road are to be expected when we have a busy life with 2 young children… I’d often tell myself.
But one evening, the rumblings erupted and a big, big problem came to light. This problem had been silently infiltrating and ruining our marriage from its very start. This problem was a silent, slow killer of my husband’s soul. The parts of him that were dying were so slow and painful for him but it was hard for me to recognize. However, once it all came to light I found myself dumbfounded in how I missed it.
The problem that came to light was that my husband is a pornography addict.
The problem that came to light was that my husband is a pornography addict.
Just reading those words, how do you feel? Does it make you uncomfortable? Does it feel like maybe I just got way too personal? Does that make you think poorly of my husband? Does it make you think that I must have been doing something wrong to push him to pornography? Does it make you think that our marriage must have really big problems that we’d been ignoring that led to this?
Would you be surprised by the fact that around 64% of Christian men say they look at porn at least monthly? Or that of all men, 68% admit that they view pornography at least weekly?
Until this problem was literally looking me in the face, I was oblivious to the fact that it was a problem at all. Every guy does it. It doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s harmless. If it’s so widely accepted, then why did my husband carry around such shame? Why did I carry such shame for his addiction? All of the shame attached to a pornography addiction seems ironic to me because pornographic material and viewing is so widely accepted among today’s society. Is it because of this cultural acceptance and approval that acknowledging pornography can actually be a problem – and not just a hobby - brings about so much embarrassment?
Until this problem was literally looking me in the face, I was oblivious to the fact that it was a problem at all. Every guy does it. It doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s harmless. If it’s so widely accepted, then why did my husband carry around such shame? Why did I carry such shame for his addiction? All of the shame attached to a pornography addiction seems ironic to me because pornographic material and viewing is so widely accepted among today’s society. Is it because of this cultural acceptance and approval that acknowledging pornography can actually be a problem – and not just a hobby - brings about so much embarrassment?
In all honesty, the shame I felt really surprised me. Being a ‘social butterfly’, I heal and problem solve by talking to others. Even for issues within my marriage I had a solid group of married friends and mentors I could go to and, respectfully, problem solve. But this – this was something different. I wanted to talk to someone, I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it without feeling shame; shame for myself and shame for my husband. But why the heck was I feeling ashamed? Wasn’t I just one of the victims? Isn’t this my husband’s problem? I didn’t fully recognize the disgrace directly attached to pornography addiction until I wanted to talk to someone about me and my husband’s situation and I couldn’t think of a single person to call, email, or text. I couldn’t think of anyone in my life who had openly discussed this issue.
The questions I posed earlier weren’t just to get you to recognize the stigma attached to a pornography addict, but they were actually my own thoughts on the rare occasion I’d hear of someone with an addiction to pornography. So because I knew what I had thought, I assumed others would think the same. I feared once my family found out about my husband’s problem, that they would think our marriage had no merit. I feared that once my friends found out, they would think my husband was a pervert. I feared that once acquaintances and neighbors found out, they would assume I wasn’t meeting my husband’s intimate needs. But I couldn’t stay silent, my emotions were too big and frankly, I was lost as to how to ‘fix’ this. This was the biggest problem our marriage had faced thus far and I was feeling hopeless and alone.
I didn’t know where to go, so I emailed our parish priest. My husband had encouraged me to contact a good friend of mine whom he heard had faced a similar issue within their marriage in the past. Between prayer, the advising of our priest, and talking to our friends, I was able to slowly start sorting through my emotions and our marriage began to slowly start healing. It took a lot of time and grace for me to understand that pornography addiction is a true addiction. Pornography actually mimics the same effects on the brain as a drug does to a drug addict. Once I was able to realize that this was not just a hobby gone haywire, and that my husband had a true problem, it was easier to let go of some of my hurt that was falsely rooted in my heart saying that I had somehow caused this. The more that my husband and I were able to openly discuss his addiction, the more it became a team effort to combat this addiction.
Soon I began to understand why my husband would feel shame. He had had a ‘bond’ with pornography that had been there since he was a young teenager. From the very beginning, pornography was something to be done privately and secretly. As he aged and relationships came and went, pornography was always secretly and privately there. As we dated and got married and started a family, pornography was always secretly and privately there. It was there for him when he was stressed or when our marriage hit a rough patch. With each secret viewing, his shame was building as was his double life. It all came to a head when he confronted me and confessed to me. As I stated earlier, I was completely oblivious; I hadn’t found anything or stumbled across images on his phone or computer. After almost two decades of looking at porn, he was a pro at erasing his footprints. He was a pro at timing. He was a pro at deceiving and pretending that everything was alright. But that night the he opened up to me, everything was not alright. He was worn, tired of living a double life, tired of deceiving me, tired of trying to fight this private struggle alone.
My husband’s shame is what kept him from talking to anyone about his hobby-turned-problem-turned-addiction. There was so much shame attached to his viewing of pornography that he would fight an interior battle, only to lose and often crumble to the floor and weep after looking at it. When he began to share with me what a true struggle this was, I could not help but have love for him. Before me was not the strong, straight-lined, disciplined, man that I had thought he was. Instead, I was looking into the eyes of a hurt and broken man, screaming for help, seeking comfort and compassion from the one woman he thought would and could give that.
Throughout our entire healing process, with as angry as I was and with as hurt as I was, it was evident that his own pain was deeper than any pain I could inflict on him, and his anger with himself was greater than any anger I could throw at him. The love of my life stood before me worn, weak, and vulnerable. In hindsight, it was if I held his heart and soul in my hands and how he was going to live the rest of his life depended in my reaction to this entire situation. Was I going to slap him across the face and leave like a part of me wanted to do? Was I going to get angry? Cry? Hold a grudge? Was I going to give up on him? Was I going to turn bitter? Was I going to keep track of how much this hurt me and try to hurt him more? Was I going to forgive him?
By the grace of God, and for the good of my husband’s heart and soul, I was able to show him mercy when he needed it the most. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I cried. Yes I was very, very hurt. But I learned that I could feel those emotions while still gently holding his heart in my hands. I could be angry and still hug him. I could cry and still talk to him. I could be very, very hurt and still forgive him. I could feel like my entire World came crashing down before me, and still God gave me grace to show mercy.
It was through this mercy, time passing, a lot of prayer and constant forgiving that my husband and I have come out of this battle bloodied, but alive. In fact, as with most marital strife, we’ve come through to the other side and can confidently say our marriage is better now than it ever has been. My husband’s pornography addiction was a deep root in our relationship that seeped into nearly every aspect of our union. This was hard on our entire marriage; it was hard on our intimacy, it was hard on the way we communicated with each other; it was hard on the way that we treated each other; it was hard on the way we thought of each other. We are still working through some effects of it, but the difference is that now we are facing this fight together. I thank God for showing me grace and mercy so that I was able to, in turn, know mercy and show it to my husband.
With our World going off the rails in so many ways, we as Christians can work together to lift the veil of shame attached to pornography addiction. This evil can be remedied by communion, accountability, and discussion. The more we openly discuss such a problem that affects our lives, the more our brothers and sisters in Christ can look up and say, “You too? I thought it was just me…” and the healing can begin.
Throughout our entire healing process, with as angry as I was and with as hurt as I was, it was evident that his own pain was deeper than any pain I could inflict on him, and his anger with himself was greater than any anger I could throw at him. The love of my life stood before me worn, weak, and vulnerable. In hindsight, it was if I held his heart and soul in my hands and how he was going to live the rest of his life depended in my reaction to this entire situation. Was I going to slap him across the face and leave like a part of me wanted to do? Was I going to get angry? Cry? Hold a grudge? Was I going to give up on him? Was I going to turn bitter? Was I going to keep track of how much this hurt me and try to hurt him more? Was I going to forgive him?
By the grace of God, and for the good of my husband’s heart and soul, I was able to show him mercy when he needed it the most. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I cried. Yes I was very, very hurt. But I learned that I could feel those emotions while still gently holding his heart in my hands. I could be angry and still hug him. I could cry and still talk to him. I could be very, very hurt and still forgive him. I could feel like my entire World came crashing down before me, and still God gave me grace to show mercy.
It was through this mercy, time passing, a lot of prayer and constant forgiving that my husband and I have come out of this battle bloodied, but alive. In fact, as with most marital strife, we’ve come through to the other side and can confidently say our marriage is better now than it ever has been. My husband’s pornography addiction was a deep root in our relationship that seeped into nearly every aspect of our union. This was hard on our entire marriage; it was hard on our intimacy, it was hard on the way we communicated with each other; it was hard on the way that we treated each other; it was hard on the way we thought of each other. We are still working through some effects of it, but the difference is that now we are facing this fight together. I thank God for showing me grace and mercy so that I was able to, in turn, know mercy and show it to my husband.
With our World going off the rails in so many ways, we as Christians can work together to lift the veil of shame attached to pornography addiction. This evil can be remedied by communion, accountability, and discussion. The more we openly discuss such a problem that affects our lives, the more our brothers and sisters in Christ can look up and say, “You too? I thought it was just me…” and the healing can begin.
“But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:35-36
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Born in a small, mid-west farming town, Ana was raised as a cradle Catholic but did not begin to deeply explore her faith until her college years. At that time, she discovered a gift for speaking enthusiastically and candidly about lessons she has learned, and how struggles in her life have carried her closer to God. In 2015, Ana and her husband Ryan began developing
www.freedandrestored.com as a resource to share their story and encourage anyone affected by pornography addiction. Ana lives in Michigan with her husband Ryan and their three (soon to be four) children. She most recently contributed their story to Matt Fradd’s latest book entitled “Restored”.
www.freedandrestored.com as a resource to share their story and encourage anyone affected by pornography addiction. Ana lives in Michigan with her husband Ryan and their three (soon to be four) children. She most recently contributed their story to Matt Fradd’s latest book entitled “Restored”.
Restored by Cameron and Matt Fradd: http://restoredbook.com/
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