Wednesday, December 16, 2015

I Can Do All Things


When I first started homeschooling my kids last year, I was full of high hopes. I just knew my kids and I would learn and have fun and stay organized and they would love me even more every day due to all this extra quality time we would spend together, frolicking in the sun and learning to read by age 4 and I would quickly be able to brag that I am seriously the....

Best. Mom. Ever.

You are laughing aren't you?

Because you know!!!!

You know what I did not and that is that kids DO NOT CARE about our dreams of being the best moms ever.

One morning I joyfully exclaimed after breakfast, "Hey Guys!! It is almost time for school!! YAY!" To which my oldest son solemnly replied, "I do not want to do school. I just want to be happy."

Ahhhh! You and me both, kid.

Day after day of plugging away... I kept praying, God give me patience!

I remember one incident where my daughter had to draw a number one. Just one number one. A line. It is a line, people. She had to draw a LINE!!!!

"It is too hard."

"I can't do it."

"I hate school."

"My hand hurts."

"I don't like this pencil."

I maintained my calm, but decided that I need a room in my house with padded walls that I can retreat to in times like these.

My mother-in-law gave me some ideas to make writing more engaging and fun. She said, tell Lucia a story. Tell her, "Once upon a time, there was ONE bear. Lucia can you make the number 1?"

I tried it. She did it. She loved it. And I put my padded room on hold.

God, give me patience.

I started to reflect, through this daily struggle of keeping the house clean, lack of adult interaction during the day most days, maintaining the music ministry, homeschooling, teaching music lessons, raising kids, etc and I began to burn out.

God, give me patience PLEASE.

One day, I was having a conversation with someone about love being a decision. Love being an act of the will and not a feeling... and I started to wonder if this applied to other things in life. And if I mastered this act of the will, could I be, if not the best mom ever, at least a moderately holy mom?

You see, I think we can apply "love is a decision" to other areas of our lives.

When I beg the Lord to give me whatever virtue I am lacking... I wonder if it isn't just that I lack the virtue, but I lack the desire to act accordingly to that virtue.

When we "run out of patience" could it literally mean that we are tired of being patient and choose not to be?

When I ask the Lord to give me better health I realize that some of these prayers require action on my part. I cannot beg for better health and refuse to exercise and continue to eat from the tin of popcorn currently sitting in front of me. (Hey! I DID get up at 5 this morning to workout!)

When I beg for greater trust in the Lord, I actually do have to step out on to the water. I actually do have to act. To follow Him.

When I beg for greater faith, I actually do have pray regularly, read Scripture, do acts of service.

Faith requires action.

I share this revelation with you because it has been pretty life-changing for me. Particularly, at this point in my life, in the areas of patience. You know those cartoons where the character's little thermometer rises until it explodes? That is how it can be for me. I tend to keep things in until I explode. Now, day by day, I am trying something different.

I try to say the words in my head, "As an act of my will, I am going to choose patience in this moment." Or when I start to feel very angry, I say, "I can choose how I want to respond to this and I want to respond in love." Or when it is almost explosion time, "CHOOSE PATIENCE"!

It takes me down a few notches and I hope eventually changes my instinctual responses to default to love and patience, gentleness, mercy, and kindness.

I have also been actively trying to fight anxieties in the same way. Normal anxieties. Family stuff, money stuff, school stuff, etc. I have started saying, "No, I am not going to think about this right now." Or "There is no right or wrong decision... there may be a better or best decision, but let us decide and move on."

Sometimes these battles of trying to choose to NOT act out of impatience take their toll physically and I feel exhausted trying to keep myself from acting out of frustration. But when I don't succumb to those things... the more peaceful our household is, which becomes such a great incentive!

Now, this isn't to say that I believe I am doing this on my own. I pray for the grace I need to take the actions I must take in order to conform my will to His. I pray for the grace to start over every stinking time I fail. I pray for the grace to love more and forgive more. I pray that God will love through me and forgive through me when I just can't seem to find the motivation.

There is a Scripture passage that really anchors this whole blog tonight. It is one everyone knows...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

I can DO. This requires action on OUR parts IN RESPONSE to Christ who STRENGTHENS us.

I can do all things. Maybe as I pray that I will add some specifics...

I can do homeschooling through Christ who strengthens me.
I can follow a budget through Christ who strengthens me.
I can get up to work out through Christ who strengthens me.
I can love this person through Christ who strengthens me.
I can forgive this person through Christ who strengthens me.


I hope all of this makes sense, and I write this with the humility of someone who fails and tries again and who seeks to share as I learn and strive to grow in my desire for holiness, better mom-hood, better wife-hood, etc. with those who may also be in the same boat!

Prayers for you. Would love to hear your stories too!

God bless and happy Gaudete week!

Noelle

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