The Casualties of Suicide

This is probably the most passionate article I have ever and will ever write. I have perused the threads on this topic, in the larger context of Robin Williams' death until I've been physically ill over the comments and debates. It is almost impossible to not offend someone when commenting on the sensitive issues of depression and suicide.

I am someone who has been on both sides of the issue and just feel the cathartic need to share some very important thoughts - thoughts that are rarely considered in the debates that I have been witnessing, and it is truly a tragedy in and of itself that such an important topic has become laced with anger and division. We are speaking of life and death, and the utter war people wage on a daily basis between the two.

From the inside, suicide is never an act of free will unless it is in the context of suicide bomber. It is a result of the devastatingly painful loss of hope. When I was a teenager, suicide seemed like the only way. I felt I had no options and I lived in a very, very dark place in my heart. I was scared I would go to hell if I killed myself, and that ultimately saved my life, but I do wonder if had I not had a life-changing experience of the love of God at a retreat, if I would have cared about that at all. For the seriously depressed, it is the legitimate belief that the world would be better off without you. It is the legitimate belief that people will not care if you are gone. It is the legitimate belief that the pain will all be over soon. It is not a rational thinking process. There is no weighing of the pros and cons.

Many, many medications that are supposed to control these desperate feelings actually contribute to them. I remember someone very close to me would one second be a zombie, and the next completely unhinged. I looked up the medications and found that manic episodes was a side effect. Being on a medication doesn't necessarily fix the problem. Many counselors, psychiatrists, and psychologists through no fault of their own struggle to understand the depth of the issue. Depression is a physical ailment, a disease, much like cancer. It is a cancer of the mind but people who suffer it are often ostracized because it can be draining to be around someone with depression. It can be maddening to have to excuse certain behaviors because of mental illness and the inability to reason with that person. It is frustrating to not be able to heal it quickly or in a specific time period as you would heal a broken leg. It is the unseen blackness that spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically kills.

From the outside, suicide is a selfish, abusive act. It is something none of us who know people who have killed or tried to kill themselves can fully understand. The anger and volatile grief that arise from the living victims of suicide are just as legitimate as those of the person who lost the will to live, and we must not forget that. Those loved ones that discover in shock the body of a friend or family member will forever have that last image etched in their mind. Those loved ones who will forever live with the guilt that maybe they could have done more even if nothing more could have been done will find it hard to move forward. Those angry and disillusioned feelings are entirely valid and should be given the same respect as those who are suffering the depression themselves. Even Scripture says that when one part of the body suffers, the rest of the body suffers.  Most of the people I know who struggle with depression are aware of the sad reality that it affects all of their relationships. There are others who don't, because they legitimately cannot feel empathy in the midst of their own struggles. There are those who care deeply for those who struggle with depression but have no idea how to help.

People struggle on different levels with depression and so our experiences vary greatly, but I will never, ever, ever, ever tell someone that their feelings on that matter are not valid. That would be like telling someone who has stage 1 cancer that they can't possibly be as scared and suffering as someone with stage 4 cancer. Everyone's individual experience is valid, it is their own, and not one of us has the right to tell someone otherwise.

What we can do is pray, reach out, come forward with our struggles, seek help, advocate for help for others, and do our best to just be present to those who need us, even if by their own choice in suffering, they have isolated themselves.

Don't ever, EVER tell someone they don't understand. Because some things, we just don't know.

Every life has worth. Every life is worth fighting for, and God proved His love in showing us that every life is worth dying for.

And as I finish writing this very emotional post, I ask for prayers. As we speak, someone I love very much is in the ER for a mental health related issue.

Thank you and God bless.