Tired of Being Tired

Tired of being tired...

Those were the words that jumped out at me at the Oremus prayer study we did at our Young Adult meeting tonight.  Lack of prayer takes sense of direction and purpose out of life. We just go through the motions and basically wonder... what is it all for?

I am so tired of being tired. It's not about getting enough hours of sleep, although I'd appreciate a couple extra. It's not about exercising or eating right, as I've been working on that mostly successfully...

It's about prayer!

I didn't realize that was the answer until tonight.

I've been so stressed, with so much to do, so much on my plate, so many battles I'm fighting with various stressful life situations, and trying to do it all just right, that I've let my prayer life slide once again.

The kids and I went to a Holy Hour this afternoon and it took me the full hour to get through one Rosary because my prayer looked like this...

"Hail Mary... STOP THAT, DAMIEN.... full of grace... DON'T TOUCH THAT DEAD BUG.... the Lord is with you... I TOLD YOU TO GO POTTY BEFORE WE CAME! Where was I? Sigh. Hail Mary...."

Yep. Literally.

In fact, the woman who showed up after me said, "You were counting down the minutes weren't you?"

Yes. Yes, I was.

Prayer has been chaotic, but it was so good to be reminded tonight that God wants me. He wants me. He desires me. No one desires or wants me like the Lord. No selfish reasons, no agenda, nothing He needs from me. He just wants me.

That set my anxious heart at peace.

That reminder helped me to see even where I have unrealistic expectations on others to want me like He wants me. To want me just because I am me and not because I'm needed... I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the constant whining in this house and the needs of my family day to day and the repetitive chores and work that have to be done and bills that have to be paid. I know that as I'm saying this it sounds selfish. I don't shirk my vocation as wife and mother, but..... Sometimes I just want to pack up the family and start a little tribe somewhere in the woods!

I'm really excited to be working on my prayer life. I definitely have a lot of work to do in that area. My prayer life is chaos. My life is chaos. I need the peace that stems from that intimate relationship with God.

I'm ready to accept His invitation... I just forgot about it in my stack of bills and junk mail...