I Failed at Lent

Normally, I can't stand blogs that glorify epic fails. It's practically trendy to have five mountains of laundry or a bad hair day and blog about how terrible you are at life, but I am writing this blog not to glorify my failure, rather to show you what I've learned from it. 

I spent a LOT of time thinking and praying about what to give up for Lent. I was already on a healthy eating crusade, so giving up some type of food just seemed more like a diet versus a sacrifice. I know that any food sacrifice would have tempted me immediately to vanity and scale watching. Plus, the whole first week of Lent, I didn't eat anyway, because I had a stomach bug!

I don't watch television, so that was out. I tried to limit my phone time, but then the kids all got perpetually sick and we've had various situations that required my immediate, lengthy, and time-consuming dwelling in the virtual world. Aside from the business and dramatic end of being connected to my phone like it was an added appendage, I just needed an outlet! No good comes from having a news app, by the way. Don't do it.

I tried to add more prayer and have been mostly successful, but was so, so discouraged by missing Masses due to sick kids who always seem to get sick on Saturday nights and into Sunday mornings. Due to David's work schedule, trying to take turns going to one Mass while the other stayed home with the kids was extremely difficult and sometimes impossible. Oh, and sometimes one of us was sick, too! 

I've been asking the Lord, "WHAT, What do You want from me? I just can't hear You and I'm sorry that I can't seem to get Lent right this year." 

I've been feeling like an epic Lenten failure. Disconnected from Mass, seeing other people graciously abstain from sweets and soda or even some who are doing service work.  They seem so connected to their spiritual growth and Lenten sacrifice, and it kinda makes me feel like I fail at Lent. 

Here I am, in the middle of Lent, still asking... Lord, what can I do for Lent, to help me grow in holiness? 

Monday night, I went to Confession.  It's been a really rough few weeks for a number of reasons, but the least I could do is repent and get rid of my sins and ways I've acted uncharitably during these weeks. After I had finished confessing my sins -- (My husband said, "You sure were in there a long time!" haha) -- the Bishop (yep, Bishop) said to me that he knows a mother who, when things get crazy, just makes the Sign of the Cross right then and there. I thought to myself, Ok, that's nice, I can do that, just to refocus and center myself on Christ. And I walked away... 

As I came home, however, frustrated that the events of the past few weeks have left me with a mountain of laundry and entire house to clean, I reflected on what the Bishop said. Make the Sign of the Cross. The Cross. 

The Cross. 

All of a sudden it dawned on me. Lent is about taking up your cross. When I used to think of carrying my cross in the context of Lent, I thought it was the cross I chose for myself, like giving up caffeine (actually that's more like forcing everyone around me to take up their crosses in dealing with me, ha). I thought the cross was my choosing and my doing.

But it's not. The cross is a cross chosen for me. I can choose to take it up or be a giant whiney pants about it. But the cross that is chosen for me is the cross that will get me to Heaven. It is the cross that will enable me to grow in the virtues I lack and strengthen the virtues I've been given by grace. This cross is the cross uniquely picked for me that will set an example to others around me in similar circumstances who are on the fence about taking up their own cross and on the fence about following Jesus. 

The Lord is telling me, through the suffering I am dealing with and have dealt with the past few weeks, to carry the cross HE has allowed me to endure. He is asking me to suffer a little more graciously and to offer it up. The cross I've been carrying has weighed me down and practically smothered me, because I've been telling the Lord that I need a different cross and that I don't need Him. I haven't relied on Him completely. I've relied on me completely and I know I fell more than three times.

Jesus needed help carrying His cross. Why should I think I'm stronger than the King of the Universe? (Even though I've been doing a LOT of strength training....)

I need to relax. I don't have to wear a burlap sack to make this a fruitful Lent. I need to bear my sufferings with holy patience and love. I need to quit worrying about my Lenten activities and start practicing daily holiness not just in the times when it's easy to feel God's love.

That's my call this Lent.

The Lord has shown me He works in our desire for holiness, but He also works in our shortcomings.

It's funny that I had this revelation the week after the Gospel reading about Jesus healing the blind man. Sometimes we can't see that we are blind.

Open my eyes, Lord. Amen!