This is my most requested talk. The story of my testimony from cutting and suicidal thoughts because of my low self-esteem... to national speaking and music ministry stemming from a moment in time where I realized God's incredible, amazing, awesome, inexhaustible love for me.
See... I used to cut because I hated myself. I hated that God didn't make me beautiful. It's true. By all societal and physical standards, I was not beautiful. I was overweight, had braces/crooked teeth, dressed sloppily (in part because I hated my appearance anyway), had bad acne, etc. I felt my whole life revolved around my being ugly. I was shy. I was jealous of my younger siblings and the attention they got - I'm the oldest - and I didn't have really any close friends.
I used to cut, because I used to hurt.
That emotional pain was a struggle. I stayed up late and I slept late. I napped after lunch. I was lazy. I over ate. I just didn't care about life and didn't feel like I had a purpose in this life.
I attended a retreat when I was about fifteen that changed nothing yet changed everything. In this retreat Doug Barry from Radix did a one man Passion Play where he described and acted out the Passion. He described every graphic, bloody detail of the death of our Lord in a way that I had never really heard or even understood before. I never knew the pain and humiliation He went through for me. More than that, I never knew the desperation He felt for my soul.
Hearing this for the first time, and experiencing worship in Adoration for the first time, rocked me to the core. It was undeniable that my Savior loves me.
And that is enough.
That was enough for me to stop cutting and to start healing and loving God, loving myself, and loving others.
I didn't change right away. Some things changed pretty slowly - like getting my braces off! - and some things didn't change - like battling insecurity, but I am worlds away from the person I used to be, because I've learned to turn to the Lord in these difficult moments where I am struggling to love others, myself, or even Him.
This past year has been extremely difficult, but I know I can't complain too much. So many people have it harder than I do. We have, however, been very blessed in spite of the challenges.
Still... some days, it was hard to get out of bed. Not because I was depressed, but because I knew the day was full of many difficult things to do and many things that I felt I just couldn't handle. I didn't want to face the pile of things that had to be done.
One moment.
One moment, one moment with Christ changed my life.
One moment is powerful!!!!! It is a point in time which can never be repeated.
During these past few weeks, months... through every hurdle I faced, my marriage faced, or my family faced.. I just took one moment to say, "Help me Jesus. I trust You."
Even if I struggled with the words...
And I got out of bed.
Those times when we feel we can't face the day. It starts with taking a moment - just one moment - to ask for help. We can't stop there... we have to get up. Take that first step out of bed, out of the boat, out of the house, wherever...
We have to keep going.
God will provide what we need and He WILL love us through each moment of the day. That love is our fire and our fuel!
My instinct even now is not always to turn to God during a difficult time... first I need to call someone, y'all!
I need to talk all about it and ask for advice. My husband is great at asking me, "Did you pray about this?" That sometimes makes me angry. :) But it's true... praying - really praying, not laying it all out there, talking the whole time, thinking the whole time, and coming away from "prayer" with just as much turmoil in my heart...but really praying. Just saying, "Lord, You know what I need." And listen. Surrender.
Sometimes I imagine sitting at Jesus' feet and laying down, physically, each person or intention or worry or fear that I have at His feet. There is freedom.
You know, though, one of the most awesome things is God isn't like that annoying boyfriend that you constantly have to call or text or you never hear from them... (Not that I have one of those anymore! )... He is just as eager to communicate with you as you are with Him. He pursues you. He pursues me. You don't have to believe me. He proved it before you even existed.
Anyway... I really felt inspired to write this tonight. If you know someone who is hurting and needs a little encouragement, please share this blog or your own faith story!
I pray that the eyes that these words are meant for may experience the amazing love of God and come to know Him more deeply -- not out of religious obligation, but out of the desire for the relationship that will change your life forever. :)
Love. :)
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