One couple was newly dating. One couple was engaged. We are married with children.
After dinner, my husband and I laughed about the difference in each couple's behavior and how we could at one point relate to both in our own relationship.
The dating couple was very modest in their public displays of affection.
The engaged couple was unabashedly affectionate and inseparable.
David and I, the married couple, sat at two opposite ends of the table not affectionate at all. At. All.
It was hilarious to us, to note the difference and reminisce about our own relationship and how it has evolved in our short four years of marriage (though it seems MUCH longer... in a good way!)
People used to tease David and I for our "inseparability" while we were dating/engaged. We held hands every chance we got. We never missed an opportunity to put an arm around the other, cuddle, hug, or kiss. There was this deep bond -- this magnetism -- that drew us together and created the most beautiful and passionate love for the other. We held hands to pray. We held hands walking in to Mass. I guess it was kind of laughable, but I really do treasure those moments.
Now we are married with children and our affection often goes to them in huge doses of smothering hugs and kisses. We are much less publicly affectionate with each other than when we were dating.
And that's ok.
At first, I thought there was something wrong with us. Or wrong with David. Or wrong with me. I thought, "Oh no! We need to work on our relationship! We are lacking in affection!"
Then I remembered we have had three kids in four years so that couldn't be the problem... ;)
Now, there are definitely times where I struggle with being affectionate because after picking up kids, holding kids, holding their hands, breast-feeding, having hair pulled, getting gooey handprints on my pants, spat up on, getting pulled on allllllllll day long.... I need my space.
Don't touch me. Please whatever you do don't touch me. My overstimulation gage is exceeding max capacity.
But, more often, I see the love that David and I have for one another that is simply just.... understood. It runs deep down to the core of my being that I know he loves me with Christ-centered and Christ-like love. Sure, we tick each other off and there are times when we feel unloved by the other due to our own human weakness (darn that human weakness!), but love is more than a feeling.
Our children bear the witness of our love. Our faith bears the witness of our love. Our relationship bears the witness of our love.
When David and I now hold hands, it's still wonderful, but unlike when we were dating... if my hand gets sweaty, I'm going to let go! But that doesn't change the fact that our love runs deep.
I was reading a marriage advice article on "improving your marriage" and one of the tips was to hold hands, because it is simple and nonsexual loving affection. I think, though, that improving our marriage starts with our own prayer lives. If my life is centered on Christ, I have more love to give. If my life is centered on Christ, my relationship with David transcends this passing earthly time.
So hold hands because you love each other. Not to... "improve" your marriage. There are many more constructive things to do if a marriage needs improvement. Affection shouldn't ever come with strings attached (I'm doing this because I need to feel loved or I'm hoping you change) - it should be other-centered. I understand this now. I have learned to not look at dating couple's affections with envy, but treasure the growth our love has sustained. : )
Peace and prayers going up tonight for all marriages -the difficult, the new, the old. God bless!
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