I Don't Give Up on You. I Surrender You.

I just returned last week from an amazing trip doing music ministry at LA Congress in Anaheim. While I was performing at the World Library Publications booth, I introduced my song, "Serenity" based on the Serenity prayer (and available on iTunes *wink*) as a song about surrender and letting go and submitting to/following God's will. The words to the refrain are

"Lord give me the serenity to stay where I am, 

the courage to take another step, 

and the wisdom to know I can't do either without You." 

After I finished the song, a woman approached me, holding my CD's, and said, "Was that song called, 'Let Go'?" And I said, "No, that's a different song." She said, "I thought you said this song is about letting go?" 

I had to laugh. A lot of my songs are about surrender, letting go... releasing my hold on things I can't control! It is an ongoing theme in my life. (She bought both CD's, so maybe we have something in common!) 

Above daily chores, health, stress, or responsibilities, I think it's hardest for me to let people go. 

"I love you and you are Mine" is one of my favorite lines from a song, spoken from Scripture. It is so difficult - near impossible for me - to say, "You love him/her and he/she is Yours." 

I don't have any trouble at all with "You love him/her." It's the "Yours" part that I have trouble with. 

My son. My daughter. My husband. My mother. My father. My sister. My brother. My friend. 

Mine, Mine, Mine. 

Not. Yours. At least we can share responsibility, ok, Lord? 

When our loved ones are sick, dying, leaving the faith, or making self-destructive choices, our instinct is to grab on to them, to grasp and cling to maddening, smothering affect. We feel unsettled, hurt, frantic, every muscle tense, trying to figure out what WE can do. What I can do. And we feel like failures if we can do nothing. We feel powerless and helpless. We would die for that person to be healed, to turn back to the faith, or to choose a better life for themselves. 

But Someone already did die for this person to be healed, turn back, choose life. 

Jesus. Jesus, You died before I breathed my first breath. You died for my loved ones before they opened their eyes in this world. Jesus. 

Why can't I trust? Why can't I know beyond my mind and deep down to the core of my being that God loves this person more than I do and is pursuing them more than I can? Why is it so hard to remember that this person's healing and salvation is not in my hands? If I don't believe these things, then I can't adequately say that I believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God. 

I have to let you go. I have to surrender you. 

I don't let you go in the sense that you are hanging from a cliff and I release my hold on your hand, letting you fall to your destruction. Rather, I carry you in my heart and I gently place you in the hands of our Savior who loves you more than I do. All your needs, all your desires, all your questions, all your sickness, all your struggles, everything. 

And I let go. You are His child. Not mine. In trusting me with your care, my son, my daughter, my husband, my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my friend... the Lord has given me great responsibilities. I will love, forgive, care for, and pray for you. But above all, the greatest thing I can do for you, is gently place you in our Father's hands who knows your heart more than I ever could and Who can satisfy you more than I am capable. 

He loves you, and you are His. 

Amen. 

Weightloss Blog that has Taken Me FOREVER to Update.

Hi

SO SORRY about not keeping up with the blog.

Starting weight: 180 (bottom pic)
Current weight: 158 (top pic)
Total loss: 22lbs

I've really done horribly with eating well but I've kept up with the exercising because, frankly... I love it! I've found my thing... strength training really has helped me build interest in working out and also has helped me get back into cardio. I workout almost daily and it's FUN. I can't believe I'm saying that... it's fun. Strength training... I highly recommend.

I've had a hard time keeping my eating healthy though!! I went through a big funk with the weather being up and down cold then warm, cold again, then kids sick again, then traveling... it's been SUPER hard to not munch because there's nothing else I'm interested in doing.... seriously! I do not like the cold weather  - it bums me out, and when I'm bummed or stressed I get the munchies.

I decided to start over everyday. I used to say I'll start Monday... now I say, okay, starting over today. This really has helped me to not feel overwhelmed when I haven't done so great the previous day. It also makes me more aware that my future is NOW. Cheesy, but super helpful.

Anyway, people have asked me what my goal weight is... I guess I don't really have one. Maybe a size 8? Because I have this really cute dress in my closet that I'd love to wear again.. :) I just want energy, strength, endurance, and health!

Until next time... To Your Health and Mine!

She is Beautiful

My husband and I have wrapped up a few weeks of local speaking engagements and Q&A sessions on all things regarding teens' ideas of sex, dating, and relationships. It has been interesting on many levels. I realized how little I knew about any of the aforementioned topics when I was their age and I realized that relationships and maintaining purity in those relationships is the struggle that is on their minds and the battleground of their hearts - a battleground upon which an all out war is being waged.

I am not blogging tonight to discuss all of the topics that came up in our time listening and learning about these beautiful young people. Though there were many areas for celebration and many areas of heartbreak. I am blogging tonight about giving glory to God for beauty. Every sexual sin is a distortion of God's created beauty. Let's dissect a few...

1) Pornography.

Even though porn is becoming a woman's addiction too, I am going to address it from the more common occurrence of the male addiction. Porn is the number one common thread behind all molesters, predators, cheaters... and yet it is also abused by people we know and love in our homes, schools, church communities, places of business, etc. It's seen as harmless entertainment initially. It is seen as "no one's business." It is even seen as a sign of healthy sexual development.

But that "healthy sexual development" soon takes a nasty turn as it becomes addiction, consuming the consumer. It leads to isolation, withdrawing into oneself, a distorted view of women - seeing them as objects, not God's beauty.

If God created woman last, that she would be the crown of all creation - the most beautiful created thing in the world... her appearance in pornography would be akin to Van Gogh's "Starry Night" as the background of a dart board, in the basement cellar of a rundown liquor store. A porn film for a woman, just as the dart board in a basement cellar of a rundown liquor store, is no appropriate place for that kind of beauty.

In porn the focus is not on the woman's beauty. She becomes the subject, the object, for whatever actions may be put upon her. She lowers her own dignity to engage in acts at the will of her directors. She is not admired. She is not honored. She is not treasured. Her beauty is long forgotten in a whirlwind of the sexual desire which should have gone hand in hand with the passion from a man who promises before God to love her forever.

When a man sees a woman as crown of creation - when he sees her as God created her to be- he will seek to protect that beauty with his very life.

2) Sex outside of Marriage

In Scripture, the adulterous woman is scorned. Women hate her. Men see her as undignified, a sinner, and an object of their own lusts. Jesus reaches out to her, even despite the scandal it may cause Him to associate with her. Why? Because He sees her beauty and how her beauty has been abused and forsaken. She tries to tell Jesus that she doesn't have any husband, and Jesus, in the Scripture's most amazing case of quick wit, tells her... You're right! You've had five and the one you are with now isn't your husband! This Samaritan woman receives the living water of the Lord and does not go back to her old ways. She now realizes that she has something worth protecting.

When we as women give ourselves away whether it be sex or just dressing as to leave little to the imagination, we are saying with our bodies that what we have isn't beauty to be honored, but sexy to be taken. We don't demand that our men fight for us. We don't challenge them on to holiness. It is like taking our most prized possession and freely giving it away to empty promises or unfulfilled commitments.

Miley Cyrus gave an interview where she said that she behaves the way she does because she is comfortable in her sexuality. If you gave your brand new car to a guy you didn't even know and told him he could do whatever he wanted with it, people would not say that you are "comfortable" with loaning out your car. They would say that you must not care very much about that car. What we value, we protect. It says a lot about us if we value ourselves and our bodies by what we do with it - if we value it, we protect it. We dress modestly. We give it to the person who we love, who has earned it by his love and it is a mutual gift in marriage- not one-sided, "I give, you get", intended until death does us part.

3) Jealousy

This isn't technically a sexual sin, but the thing many of us struggle day to day with is to overcome is jealousy relating to beauty and sexuality. We are jealous of her body or his body or her boyfriend or his girlfriend. We want what they have. We want their personality, we want their circumstance, we compare and put down the gifts we have been given.

I used to be really jealous. I was jealous of my younger siblings for the attention they got and the looser restrictions they had (I'm the oldest!) and I was jealous of my beautiful relatives and friends. I was jealous of other women's bodies in particular, always comparing myself. I was jealous of other people's musical successes, their voices/monetary success.

I finally was able to have a real conversion from this when I started thanking God that the person I was jealous of had an amazing gift. I thanked God for my friend's beauty. I thanked God for my friend's successes. I thanked God and thus began a pattern of seeking beauty. I always tell my daughter she is beautiful - because I want it to be so ingrained that it becomes a matter of truth, not a matter of opinion. Once, we were at a restaurant and the waitress came to take our order. As she walked away, my three year old son said, "Mama, she is beautiful." I praised God right then and there that he always seeks beauty and not only that - says it out loud. I am thankful that I married a man who has a special gift to see beauty - he seeks holiness, which is true beauty! He seeks Christ in others, which is true beauty! I never worry when a physically attractive woman enters our lives, because he has made a habit of seeking true beauty and I have made a habit of seeking true beauty and we BOTH have made a habit of thanking God for this beauty.

You are beautiful. She is beautiful. I am beautiful.

I truly believe that if we could all start thanking God for the beautiful things and beautiful people we see, we will begin to be repulsed when we see abuses of that beauty, especially in regards to sexual sin. I believe women will begin to guard that beauty and give thanks to God for their fellow woman's beauty causing us women to support each other rather than turn into jealous, bitter ladies. I believe men will begin to fight for that beauty and defend women from another who would use that beauty for him or herself.

And....I believe...

the world will be a more beautiful place.

My Spouse Drives Me Crazy

I told my husband I was going to write this blog and he said, "Ah! Are you going to make me look bad?" Haha, no, I said... I'm going to make ME look bad.

Recently, I've been reading the book It is Well by Chris Faddis in which he tells the tragic, yet faith-filled, hope-filled story of losing his wife, Angela, to cancer. I followed Chris and Angela on their Facebook support page and cried at every post or picture posted. The posts spoke of very real suffering. The posts spoke of hope in Christ. The posts spoke of beautiful spousal love which transcended every mediocre version of love in movie or song, past feeling to dying to one another spiritually. The pictures showed their family loving one another through it all - both of their children hugging their mom on her hospital bed. I almost can't write about it even now, the intensity of suffering and faith that gripped our hearts and made us pray for a miracle.

There is a bigger Truth revealed in this book that hit home for me - a Truth I always knew, but hearing from someone who had put it into practice to the end rocked my world!

The Truth is: I am called to get my husband to Heaven.

Yeah, yeah, I know that and I do my best. But here's the other part of that:

My husband is the person God has chosen for me, to help me get to Heaven.

Let's read deeper... this isn't just about praying together. This isn't just about trying to guard the other's heart. This is about the CHALLENGES of marriage, specifically the challenge of being married to WHO you are married to!

(DISCLAIMER I want to clarify that I'm not saying if anyone of us is married to anyone abusive or unfaithful or irresponsible financially, etc, that it's something to be tolerated - I'm speaking today only of the normal, everyday annoyances and personality challenges that we face as married couples once the honeymoon is over!)

I have seen a lot of growth in myself, being married to David. He is more relaxed than I am, in general. His first response to crisis is prayer. My first response to crisis is panic, then prayer. :)

Chris Faddis talks about how we see the good and the bad of one another and how great it is that we can love each other beyond that. My husband's weaknesses, though, have a way of bringing about my weaknesses.

When he forgets to do something I have asked... I get frustrated and angry. Is that just his weakness -- or is it mine?
When he plays with the kids before bed while I am trying to calm them down for sleep and put the kibosh on all the fun..... is that his weakness -- or mine?
When he is running late in the morning because he took an extra long prayer time and I am mad that I put everyone's shoes on and he still isn't in the car -- is that his weakness or mine?
When he wants to be affectionate and gets his feelings hurt because I reject the affection in my own frustration that he doesn't understand I do NOT want anyone else to touch me that day... is that his weakness -- or mine?

Sometimes I think... AH! IF ONLY HE WOULD CHANGE this or that! Or Why, WHY, can't he see things MY way?!?!

Granted, there are legitimate things that he needs to work on. But more often than not... his weaknesses... the weaknesses I can so easily find in him (and overlook in myself), simultaneously bring up my own weaknesses... my weakness towards....

Impatience.... Self-centeredness... Frustration... Lack of Compassion... Lack of Humility... Lack of Generosity

These virtues are MUCH easier for me to practice outside of marriage, but oh-so-difficult to put into place in marriage... why? Because, I think we take advantage of the fact that we have seen one another at our worst, and are still loved. We assume the love and let ourselves get away with not really deserving it- nor even attempting to earn it.

So my spouse will get me to Heaven, not just by guarding my heart and praying with and for me.
He will get me to Heaven not just by being a loving father or a dedicated, faithful husband.
He will get me to Heaven just by being who he is  - who God created him to be, for me.

And as I pick up his laundry in the middle of the bedroom floor once again....

I will be a saint.

:)

My Mom's Rule of Life

Last year, I was reflecting on vocation and how each vocation looks very different from the other. The differences are obvious, but I wondered... what structures are in place in convent or monastic rule that are geared towards aiding the sister or brother to self-discipline/holiness. As I was reflecting on these things, I realized that each religious order has its own schedule and set of rules that they live by in order to stay organized, ensure adequate service to the community, discipline themselves to prayer and worship and study regularly, etc. I realized that even priests whose schedules vary greatly, are required to say the Liturgy of the Hours, which in itself is a loose structure for the day.

I really began to pray about how I could incorporate a schedule for our family and one day felt inspired to google something like.. "Family and rule of life". Up popped, Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Pierlot. (See Book Here)

It was literally an answer to a prayer! I immediately purchased the book and devoured it. We tried to implement it last lent, and then everyone was sick and then shortly after that we began to pack up our home to get ready to move to Kansas! The McHugh Mother's Rule of Life never stuck.

Now I feel called to pursue it again. It required a few transformations and confessions...

1) If I was being honest, my time at home was fairly wasted. I just didn't feel like cleaning. I was overwhelmed by having to do it day after day. I sat on the couch a lot and used the kids as an excuse to not really get much accomplished. During the summer, LIFE IS SO MUCH EASIER! Because we can go to the park and house stays much cleaner! :) Also, fewer clothes to wash in terms of bulk !

2) I realized that if my husband is at work all day. I should be at work, too. Not that I can't or don't need time to relax, but vocation is also work and I was beginning to slack off. Honestly, a lot of this has to do with that fact that I don't have school aged children and just didn't know what the heck to do with myself being home all day. I was going NUTS. To be fair, the kids were going nuts too.

3) My kids were watching too many movies. When we can't go outside I'm like... what are we gonna do... bake another stinking batch of cookies? I'm not creative. I really don't like crafts. Again, I just didn't know what to do with myself and winter/cold this time of year always gets me down in the dumps. I am really not a fan of packing up three babies and going anywhere, plus my kids or my husband and I were sick for almost a month, so we couldn't even invite anyone over!


Now, our schedule is simple and I'm not overly obsessed with keeping it, but it gives meaning and structure to each of my days. I've worked out almost every day for a month. The only day I didn't work out was when I was traveling to go record a theme song for LA Congress. This workout discipline has NEVER happened. My kids have begun to understand and know what is expected of them and when it is expected and that has made it easier to get them to learn what they are supposed to do, too!


Here is our schedule: 

Mornings are TOTALLY flexible. Whatever time we get up, we get up. I'm not going to set an unrealistically early time because my baby still wakes up 3-4 times a night, toddlers wake up, and it's just gonna be how it is... I don't have anything SET in the schedule until 9am.

9am: Workout (This happens after breakfast and the workout is about 40 minutes, so I have wiggle room here)
10am: Clean an area of the house... Mondays= bedrooms, Tuesdays = bathrooms, Wednesdays = main rooms, Thursdays = kitchen, Fridays = Laundry, Saturdays = Catch up on anything I wasn't able to finish.
11am: Educational activity with the kids (We are working on Teach Your Kids to Read in 100 easy Lessons) Story time, game, cooking, etc... whatever we do must be with the goal of teaching them something and doing something constructive with them.
12pm: Lunch and Prayer
12:30pm Pick up
1:00pm Quiet Time. I pull out toys or books for the kids and they can do whatever they want as long as they are quiet and not into trouble ;) I will read, write music, or whatever I can do in that time that puts me in quiet mode if the baby cooperates -- working on making that time electronics-free for me -- no phone or computer!
2:00pm Music Time - Music lessons with the kids
2:30pm - 5pm I usually have music lessons, so I'll pick up and leave the kids to play and while I teach they can watch a movie.
5- 7pm Dinner prep and Cleanup
7pm: Bath, pick up bedrooms, stories, prayer
8pm: Bedtime for kids.
8:30 - 10:30pm unstructured couple time

Again, this is so general and loose that it has given me lots of wiggle room to fail but not so miserably that everything piles up on me. This is transforming our family for the better, but we still have lots of work to do before discipline as a virtue takes hold! We also are still working on better and more prayer time. I need personal prayer time and David and I need more prayer time together. So our schedule is imperfect, but we are working on it. Also, if we want to go out, we can.... if we have someone come over, it's not a big deal. I have stopped having all day cleaning days and for me, knowing there is a beginning AND an end to my cleaning time is really motivational!

So, this is the beginning to the McHugh Rule of Life! Now, off to convince my husband that the movie he is currently watching is boring...... HA :)

Operation Less is More Week II

WEEK II

Stats: 164
Difference from Last week: -1 lb
Size: I can squeeze into my size 11 jeans!! Woohoo!!

Even though I haven't lost many pounds this week -- well... one pound is alright -- I have lost in the past almost three weeks, about 2 inches off my waist!

This is what I've been doing:

1) Eating a lot. Stress ate a LOT because my kids were sick for almost a month and I was out of my mind. So, that stinks because I think I would have had much greater success if I hadn't sabotaged myself with ice cream and mindless Ritz cracker, cream cheese eating. It's just that my neighbor made the most amazing jalapeño jelly...

2) I am in love with the workout DVD's my friend, Joia ( http://eatsweatprayrepeat.com) lent me. They aren't the jumping-around-feel-like-I'm-dying Jillian DVD's. They are called ChaLEAN EXTREME and they focus on strength training. I have done them almost every single day. They are slow-moving, muscle building and I. Am. Stronger.

The other day, while I was doing my workout, I got down to do a pushup and noticed... wow, I don't feel like I'm about to collapse on the first one. It was noticeable!! I also noticed my belly button was a little more perky which is a great thing after having three babies -- it was looking pretty sad for awhile there. Hahaha. I know that sounds kinda funny, but I'm firming up! I was also able to do these workouts even though I fell down the stairs holding my 7 month old (he's fine) and totally bruised up my entire backside/leg. It was SUPER BAD, but because the workouts are so slow moving and concentrated, I was still able to do them and not miss any time.

Message Joia if you want info on how to get your own set. Seriously. I like these.

We are also on a schedule! Finally as a family we have days where certain things get done -- I'll post more of that later -- and I am just praying for the flexibility to go with things that come up but the commitment and will power to stay on track, too! This has helped me get my workout on. The other day after we finished breakfast, my two year old said "Ok! Now it's time to exercise!" (That's another reason I like strength training -- because I don't feel I need to wait an hour before working out!) 

Anyway... it's the final countdown to my 30th birthday on the 5th! Just wanna get out of the 160's, even though I made it to where I can squeeze into my birthday goal jeans... My goal is to lose just 5 more lbs!!!! Can I do it??? CAN I????


No idea.

Okbye. 

Operation Less is More

So now that the holidays are over and it is slightly less chaotic.... I decided to rename my weightless portion of my blog! Operation, "Less is More". Less laziness = more energy, less junk food = more healthy me, less resistance to exercise = more muscle, and less weight = more excuse to buy new clothes! ;)

Here are the stats as I sort of "recharge" this blog !

BEFORE I STARTED CONCENTRATING ON HEALTH:

Stats: 180
Size: Squeezing into 12/13 (Like.. SQUEEZING).

NOW

Stats: 165

Size: Comfortably Size 12/13

It's kind of crazy to think 15 pounds is the size of my youngest son. When I pick him up, I feel way more accomplished in my weight loss versus just looking at the number on the scale. I lost a tiny person. :P

Anyway, here's what I've been doing the past couple weeks, and I'll continue to blog weekly from this point on:

1) Gave in to diet coke when terribly sick. It's strangely the only thing I wanted. So I had to re-give it up. 

2) Meal planning. This is for health purposes but also budget purposes. 

3) Applying my Mother's Rule of Life book to our lives and it's been amazing when everyone is healthy, but I allow myself to fail at it when kids are sick or we have a major disruption. House is clean even if there are toys all over the floor. That makes me happy. 

4) My friend and fellow Catholic musician/speaker, Joia Farmer, lent me her ChaLEAN Extreme DVD's and I have to say I'm really enjoying them. I feel stronger after one week than I have in awhile and the exercises are really calming in a way. I'll blog more about this later, but in the meantime, check out Joia's blog: http://eatsweatprayrepeat.com

Thanks as always for your loving support and encouragement. Let's see if I can maybe get out of the 160's by my birthday on Feb 5th! Ahhh it's going to be hard... but I'm going to be 30. New decade, new goals. 

Peace!