One Thing After Another

"One Thing After Another"

This phrase NEVER gets used in a positive way! "First, my car repaired itself, then I got a promotion, and then I won the lottery! It was just one thing after another!" 

This summer, for me, has been "one thing after another." First David has to look for other employment, then we have a baby, then we move to Kansas, then David's dad is diagnosed with cancer, then I am surprised by our healthcare costs, and then and then..... this list could go on and on. One thing after another! It has all been so negative and so much more than I can take. 

As I write this, I'm fed up! 

St. Teresa once said, "Lord, if this is how You treat Your friends, it's no wonder You have so few!"

Maybe you are thinking that I am going to put a positive spin on this. 

Nope. 

I'm not going to because I just can't pretend that having faith is easy. Taking up my cross STINKS sometimes. It hurts and I'm not all too happy about it. Even St. Teresa and many of the saints had their spiritual deserts, got fed up with the suffering, and cried out to God for relief. 

I'm not mad at God, I'm just in a place where I want ask to Him, "Really, Lord?! Can't I get a break?!" I fully admit I am completely immersed in my self-pity party.  I realize I'm acting like a stubborn child who didn't get my way, who doesn't understand what is going on, asking "why me?", and I am half-heartedly trying not to throw a temper tantrum. (The Lord did say that we have to become like little children....!)

I'm not going to lose my faith over this. I know God meets me where I am (Hey, I have a song about that...) But I'm not going to hide anything from Him either. I pray that He will show me how this is going to bring me closer to Him ultimately. I pray that I can be better about carrying my cross and not so self-focused. 

When we were moving, I was so scared of this new change in my life, that I could only literally cling to the Lord. I prayed over and over for the Lord to just let me cling to Him. It's still a journey, but I can see the great work He is doing in my family life through this process and how we have grown closer to each other and to Him. Now, I feel He is asking me to surrender and trust. I'm just having a hard time with believing that He doesn't need my help or advice. :P  I know He understands I am trying to let go and I know He understands exactly how I feel as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Let this cup pass me by..." That brings me comfort. 

I feel sometimes that if I were good at suffering, I'd be holy. I realize, though, that my tolerance for pain is relatively low (epidural?)  I guess, though, if I loved suffering, then I wouldn't really be suffering, right? AH I JUST WANT TO BE HOLY!! (Sorry, my head exploded for a sec, there). 

In other news, I absolutely can't stand when people mock Christians and accuse us of using faith to feel good or as a crutch because having faith is the most difficult thing I have ever done!! It would be so easy to give up, and sometimes I am tempted. When challenges come my way, it is sometimes very difficult to keep saying "yes' to the Lord's call in my life. I have to pray to be open before I can even pray to be able to say yes! I have to beg for forgiveness for my hard heart before I can pray to be open! Ah! 

Well, tomorrow is a new day, and I will treat it as such. No use carrying burdens from one day into the next. Then that's twice as many burdens and ain't nobody got time for that. More prayer time is on the agenda for tomorrow, now that I've been able to loosen up the crossed arms of my heart and vent a little, I do feel slightly less anxious. God's got this, it's just that right now, I'm Fulton Sheen's mouse in the piano, focusing on the chaos instead of the Master Pianist. 

Eyes upward, not outward, Noelle. It's not like you're alone... :) 

Thanks for making it this far in my stream of consciousness. I hope you said a few prayers for me. :)