Too Busy to Pray

I am too busy to pray.

I do pray, but rather than "heartily pray", it is more like "hardly pray", though not in the manner that you might think.

You may think I'm running around and forget to pray. You may think I just don't seem to have the time during the day to pray.

Neither is true.

I'm too busy -- telling the Lord what I want, what He needs to do, and checking off a mental laundry list of intentions -- to pray. I'm so busy doing those things, that in all the time I spend talking to the Lord, my prayer time is actually pretty slim. (Speaking of "slim", I totally stress ate this whole weekend so tomorrow's weight loss blog is going to be phat. -- Remember when people used that word?)

Prayer is a conversation with God. It is started in our hearts by the Holy Spirit - our Love who pursues us and relationship with us. Prayer is the way to God's heart. My one-sided "conversations" with God aren't much of a prayer at all. I tend to carry the chaos of life into my prayer. I leave prayer often just as hectic as when I entered, because, again... I'm too busy talking to listen and too busy listing to pray.

This realization occurred to me yesterday as I spent a few moments in Adoration before a talk I was going to give at a Confirmation retreat. I was struggling with the idea of giving a talk because it had been a crazy day and my mind was consumed by the stresses from the past week. As I sat in Adoration, my mind was racing... only a few minutes to say everything I need to say to the Lord before my talk... ready, set, go..!

And nothing came to mind except one thing:  STOP.

This took me aback and almost startled me.

Just STOP. Be quiet.

I know.

I know. He knows.  I don't have to tell Him every single thing racing through my mind, because He knows it already. What I need is to listen, to be refreshed, to let go, and to stop telling Him what I need Him to do. I need to stop coming to prayer with an agenda. I need to stop filling my prayer time with chaos. I need to stop.

Those few moments in His presence, not saying a word, brought so much refreshment to my soul that I felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders.

This revelation about myself was also confirmed in Mass today. This line from the Gospel struck me -- and it was pretty much the only line I heard as I was trying to handle squirmy toddlers:

Remember, you are not to prepare your defense beforehand, for I myself shall give you a wisdom in speaking that all your adversaries will be powerless to resist or refute. 

This was my reminder to come to the Lord just open - not preparing "my defense" or prepare my plans for how I want my prayers to be answered or agonize how to follow Him or share His Gospel. This was my reminder to let Him speak through me and that no wisdom comes from me.. it comes from the Lord. 

Tonight, I prayed a Rosary. I spent time in prayer just being with Him and trying to visualize opening my heart. Sometimes my heart is this cluttered room that I don't want anyone to see until I get it all straightened up. I tried to meditate on opening that room and letting the Lord see, heal, fix, clean, love, forgive. I can't hide anything from Him, so I don't know why I feel like I have to tell Him EVERYTHING and waste time filling up the precious moments I have during the day alone with the Lord just listing off everything like He has no idea! (This is probably also evidence of my forever struggle to let go and trust.) For me, starting with that visualization helped me to get it out in just a couple moments everything that normally, I would have spent my entire prayer time talking about! I hope I can have the spiritual discipline to continue this practice, because I really, really desire my relationship with God to be stronger, and I definitely see how my prayer time has been incredibly fruitless, despite the fact that I felt I was "putting in the time." 

Praise God! I am really happy that the Lord meets us where we are and gets around the obstacles we put in His way. :) If you have other prayer tips, I would love to hear! I feel like every challenge and every stage of my life, I am a perpetual student in this spiritual journey!