Before starting this blog, I pray to rid myself of my sarcastic talents. Amen. ;)
A few things you should know about me before reading my response to the recently circulated post "6 Reasons (+2) to NOT Send Your Daughter to College":
1) I have a college degree in Human Development
2) I am still paying off my student loans. I unashamedly welcome your charity.
3) I have worked since college
4) While I have a few odd jobs, I am primarily a stay at home mom and have been for about a month. I'm new to this. See my previous blog: Mission Territory: Homemakers
5) I was homeschooled 3rd grade through high school.
6) I have three children ages 3, almost 2, and almost 3 months.
Below is the article, with my responses in BLUE
<Editor's note: The original post was "6 reasons" and 2 were added since (#6 and #8) just in case 6 weren't enough.>
Probably the most controversial and rejected position we have at Fix the Family is that parents should not send their daughters to college. It is even more vehemently opposed than the submission of wives to their husbands. Both of these positions we have are a threat to the trophies of the feminist agenda, so the rejection we receive is always emotionally charged and ends up insulting, since once explained logically, the opposition runs out of substance and is only left to hurl insults and presume and misconstrue this practical wisdom into some chauvinistic evil.
I do not believe your article is chauvinistic evil - and I did read with an open mind. I just think it puts women in a box, misrepresenting the educated, working woman as well as the stay-at-home mother, and I will explain why.
But to distinguish these 2 issues, we are NOT saying that sending a girl to college or women working is a sin. But after looking at the issues we raise, we would challenge anyone to convince us that college for girls is not a near occasion of sin. In order to fore go further discussion (argument) on the issue of college for girls, this article will outline the principal reasons for shunning college for girls.
It is impossible to argue this point. So I won't. I could NEVER argue with someone that going to college for girls is a near occasion of sin. We live in the world. Walking out my front door could theoretically be a near occasion of sin, but more often than not, my near occasions of sin occur more frequently at home. My lack of patience with my family at times, my running around staying busy and missing my prayer time. Basing a logical argument on whether or not something is an occasion of sin is really impossible, because as you point out later in your article, we live in a fallen world. I also can't see a how further discussion is forgone here when you assert college must be "shunned" as in, avoided at all costs based on six (+2) reasons that not only do not apply to everyone, but are rooted in the basis that college is a near occasion of sin. When... I can find near occasions of sin at the grocery store. (Ah! I spent to much and bought fatty food which will damage my body which is a temple of the Holy Spirit!) I'm not even joking on that account. I take a list to the store now.
Before getting to those reasons, first let’s deal with some of the common objections that are received when this issue is raised (FAQs):
- You don’t believe in educating women. False. College and education have very little to do with each other. College has become more of a training ground for a job. Let’s be clear: college graduates receive a diploma, not necessarily an education. Many wise people in years past obtained great educations by seeking knowledge from books and good material. Today, anyone can learn anything they want with the vast library system across the country and with the easy access of the internet. So the real reason girls go to college is for a degree, not an education. I strongly believe girls and women should be educated, first and foremost in the Catholic faith. If we look COMPREHENSIVELY at the Catholic doctrine, we’ll see very little that promotes a woman working outside the home. Further a good working knowledge of the basics for today’s culture and progressive society can be learned in 12 years of school. Politicians say that 12 years is not enough today, but that is because of a failed corrupted education system. Homeschooling parents can educate their children in 12 years. College may be necessary for the provider of a family depending on the vocation God is calling them to or for those who are called to the Priesthood, both of which are intended for men.
Yes and no. I don't want a self-proclaimed, self-studied Dr. Pedialyte doing surgery on my children. Then again, Mr. Culture and Arts degree is serving my fries at McDonald's. Rather than rule out ALL college education, why not redirect students in general to a versatile degree? I had 12 years of school, plus college, I'm an avid reader, do research online, listen to talk radio, and I still don't claim to know everything I need to know about the basics for today's culture and progressive society. Laws change, history is constantly being written, scientific discoveries being made, encyclicals being issued.. Sure, I know how to think critically, but my college experience helped me to engage in the debate we are having now. It helped me to understand my faith IN the world, not apart from it. It helped me to engage different points of view and opened my eyes to what other people believe and don't believe apart from my own ideals. It helped me understand the human psyche, as my degree is psychology based. It helped me understand different learning types, as my degree is also education based. If and when I decide to homeschool my children, wow! I have a wealth of knowledge that I gained through alllllll my education, homeschooled and at the university level. I agree that the provider role and Priesthood are intended for men, however, the reality we live in is not always so. I help our family financially, because my husband is doing what God has called him to do - to work in the Church and build up His Kingdom. Until the Church is able to pay more, we both work in the vineyard. :) I think this discernment, though, is between the family and God. There may not have been a history of women being employed outside of the home (although I'm not sure how much DOCTRINE directly refers to a man's employment status - there may be doctrine, I just don't know of it) but when have things ever been so expensive? There are LOTS of sociological and economic issues beyond feminist agenda that have contributed to women working.
Also, I think the Internet is just as or even more a near occasion of sin than the realities evident on college campuses. There is some bad stuff out there, but what makes it worse is the ability to do it with a measure of anonymity.
- You believe in oppressing women. False. The Church teaches that husbands and wives are of equal dignity, but with different roles. Almost all of our children will choose to marry. Actually, since the purpose of a college degree is for a job, it becomes unnecessary for our daughters to have such a credential. My personal impression is that the day-to-day grind of a job is below the dignity of women. In a way, it is like being a hired hand, as result of the fall and the penalty for original sin. Of course the Lord and the Popes have raised the dignity of work as a way of husbands living out their vocation and duty. But the penalty for the woman as a result of the fall was pain in childbirth (which requires having babies), not to work. Sending our wives out to work should be a very last resort, a misfortune, so it shouldn’t be part of a plan for young ladies before they even get a start at family life. Keeping a home, being a loving wife, and being a nurturing mother are of immeasurable dignity to a woman and not something to be farmed out to servants. The feminist world has twisted this so that a job (career) appears elevated, and homemaking is denigrated. This is the evil work of Satan and devastating to families.
The assumption that a working woman is somehow not embracing her vocation is very narrow-minded and (gasp, I can't believe I'm saying it...) judgmental. I laughed out loud when I read that line about working outside the home being beneath a woman's dignity. My "dignified day-to-day grind" consists of many undignified things, like cleaning up after toddlers' diapers, hands and knees on the floor scrubbing, covered in dirt and sweat from playing outside with my kiddos. I feel more like the hired hand at home sometimes than out working, because at least then I get to bring home a paycheck! Haha :) People thank me and affirm me when I was working. My kids lives will thank me one day for my hard work at home, but the Lord didn't call me to be the queen of my home. He called me to be His servant. Servanthood isn't always pretty. I agree that the world makes the career woman seem more important than the stay-at-home mother. I agree that is totally wrong! The stay at home mom is on demand 24/7 to her family which is hard! I'm learning it is hard! But my husband doesn't "send me out to work." He discerns with me what I may or may not be called to do and allows me the freedom to follow God's call in my life.
- You believe in taking away opportunities for women and trapping them into a subservient role. False. We believe in women making wise prudent choices for themselves. The indoctrination of the feminist culture and the practicing of a sexually promiscuous lifestyle severely cloud, practically blind that good judgment. Getting a college degree often makes a young lady feel an “obligation” to use it, to make money. Often her husband doesn’t want to see it go to “waste.” So the degree is what actually traps her. Not having a degree frees her to enter into a marriage with proper roles in which her husband will provide for her and their children. Christian marriage by definition does place her in a submissive role to her husband, but no one forces anyone to marry anyone. She should go to the altar with full knowledge of what she’s entering into.
A husband can still be the head of his household even if his wife works. He is the spiritual head. I don't disagree with the desire to use our degree so it doesn't become a waste, but I feel obligated to my children. My ministry or work flows out of that vocation. A man's vocation is not reduced to his paycheck, nor is a woman's vocation reduced to her ability to stay home 24/7.
- God calls women to use their talents. True. Women over the last couple of generations have proved their abilities in the workplace, but only in a different way. God has always given women abilities to bring value and service to their neighbor,
which is what people with jobs do. But to distinguish, as Catholics anyway, it was rarely that a wife and mother did this until the last couple of generations, and look at the impact on family life. Before, it was nuns who did these things buildings convents, hospitals, schools, etc etc. We only need to read the lives of the saints to see what they did. We see only a VERY RARE EXCEPTION of canonized saints who have this. Generally women will marry and have children so are gifted by God with the natural abilities to nurture (feed and raise) as well as educate children. Today’s society has a very accessible conduit for that ability that is very conducive to family life: homeschooling. Educating and caring for children is the most valuable calling of a married woman and requires accomplished abilities. These are no small matters. But mothers often say they could not stand to be with their children all day. What? Just stop and think about that sad sad statement. If that is the case, why did they have children? In choosing for our daughters, we may need to bring them to awareness of this attitude and direct them toward the single life or to that of a religious sister.
While the needs for a woman to work have become more evident in recent years, women were not permitted to work outside the home, so precedence is irrelevant. Women did work in schools and on the farms and in what was considered "women's territory." If equal opportunity for women to work existed since the history of time, this would be a logical statement. Otherwise this is the equivalent of saying that since African American people didn't become doctors and presidents until recently, they shouldn't do so now. Christ shows us this perfect example that while YES, the roles He gave men and women were different, they were both highly involved in His ministry. I'm not advocating for woman priesthood, but I am pointing out that God chose Mary, a woman, to bring the Messiah into the world, and a man to protect her. She directed Jesus to do His first miracle. The two women who looked for Jesus at the tomb were told to go tell His disciples that Jesus as risen! The first witness of Jesus' Resurrection was by women! : )
I agree it is sad that people do not want to spend time with their children all day, but it is so important for women to have community and fellowship with other adults and a break from all day whining and diaper changing! Whether that is by working, or taking time to take a mental health break, it is important. More stay-at-home moms than ever are being diagnosed with depression. I don't feel bad to say, "Honey, I need a break. Please watch the kiddos for me while I take a nap." For a woman to say that she can't stay home with her children all day -- I don't think that points to her desire not to have children - I think that points to her stress level or even her fear of failure. I wouldn't have told her to go become a nun, or question her choice to have children. I would ask how I could support her, listen to her frustrations, and offer some guidance.
- A woman needs to have something to provide income in case her husband dies, becomes disabled or leaves her. True. The first 2 issues can and should be resolved with insurance, which is very affordable for young couples who may be vulnerable to these VERY remote possibilities, which is why it is so affordable. A responsible family will have such coverage in place. As for the husband leaving her, the possibility of being left in such a state would make a woman MUCH more careful about the man she decides to marry. Think about it. If you know you're throwing your COMPLETE trust and future on a man, you'll want one you can certainly rely on.
AS much as I love my husband, my COMPLETE trust and future belongs to God. And so does my husband's. While an insurance policy is good, and the government will certainly support me if I wasn't prudent enough to develop some marketable skills, I would feel so bad to use up money that could be available to someone who really needs it - a disabled mom. A mother of a child with a disability or illness... My desire to be able to work and for my daughter to be able to support herself if needed or desired is far from selfish.
That being said, here are the reasons to NOT send your daughter to college:
- She will attract the wrong types of men. I share the common concern addressed to us, again mainly by angry women, that there are so many lazy men in our society. But what mystifies me is why
girls continue to marry them and then live to complain about them, along with their parents. So what normally happens with this setup is that those lazy men who are looking for a mother-figure in a wife are very attracted to this responsible, organized, smart woman who has it all together along with a steady paying job with benefits. So if he wants to go to work he can, but if not he can always fall back on her income. Or if he “doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone” he can start his own business, and it doesn’t matter if it fails or succeeds or makes enough income because again she’s there to help. The bottom line, HE is only supplementing HER income, but he’s supposed to be the provider. These are very strong stresses on families that I have observed to consistently repeat themselves over and over. What she did that was looked upon to be the “responsible thing ‘just in case’” ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy because of the type of man she married.
Not if she's holy. And for most men that i know, unfortunately a career woman is intimidating to them and they don't seek her out to depend on her income. I agree, though, that there are lots of lazy men - dated a few. I'm not sure that's a reason to avoid college.
- She will be in a near occasion of sin. Just think of the environment that college-age students live in. You have a heavy concentration of young people all living together without the supervision of parents at the most sexually charged state of life they will experience. How can one expect that anyone would be able to avoid these temptations, even on a Catholic college campus much less a secular one? So if it is unnecessary for one to be in a near occasion of sin, is it prudent to willingly put oneself there? This is no small matter we’re dealing with here. Is a degree worth the loss of your daughter’s purity, dignity, and soul? Catholic OB-GYN Dr. Kim Hardey notes that a woman is naturally very observant of a man’s faults as long as she is in a platonic relationship with him. Once she becomes sexually active with him, she releases hormones that mask his faults, and she remains in a dreamy state about him. We can see why God would arrange things in such a way so that when in a proper state of holy matrimony, she would be less sensitive to his faults and thereby less tempted to be critical of him. But before marriage she should be very sensitive to the complete reality of the man she will enter into a lifetime commitment with. It is one thing to advise our daughter of this reality in ordinary situations, but placing her into an environment that will tempt her to lose this barrier is unfair to her.
Sexual temptations occur in all kinds of environments, not just college. The morals and faith I instill in my daughter, I pray, inspire her to sainthood. Keeping her isolated or arranging her marriage, though, is not a chance for her to use and strengthen her faith in the midst of challenges, nor to be a witness and bring other people to their faith. I don't plan to drop my daughter off at the world's best party college. College is something to be discerned - whether or not to attend, when to attend, where to attend, what to study.. I will actively engage and discern and support that process for her. I will also be active in helping her find the closest Catholic Church, a support network as much as possible, but in the end.... She's an adult. She has the right to determine where the Lord is calling her. To keep her back from that may be my own occasion of sin, to not allow her to go where the Lord leads.
I don't even understand the last four sentences of your paragraph...
- She will not learn to be a wife and mother. Nothing that is taught in a college curriculum is geared
toward domestic homemaking. On the contrary, it is training in a very masculine role of a professional career. So there becomes a severe inner conflict in a woman when she starts trying to be a homemaker and juggle a career alongside it. Often when a career woman discerns the possibility of giving up her career, she faces the reality that she has had no training in homemaking and often has the thought “What would I do at home all day.” Stay-at-home mothers are actually very busy industrious women and do absolutely beautiful marvelous things. Surely the business world severely undervalues those things they do, but the value to a family is beyond monetary compensation. These abilities cannot be learned in any college.
I disagree. In college you learn to take care of yourself. You learn the value of a dollar. Aside from whatever you learn in your degree, you learn all sorts of life skills that help in the homemaking world. I'm no Suzy Homemaker - through no fault of my mom, it's just not my talent to craft, cook, and bake as it is hers and the twelve years she spent trying to teach me - but I'm a great mom! :) I learned:
1) How to budget
2) How to buy a car
3) How to plan my meals that I didn't eat at home
4) How to talk to others about my faith
5) How to engage other points of view and debate or appreciate!
6) I learned how to work with others - the lazy, the anal, the fun, the passionate.
- The cost of a degree is becoming more difficult to recoup. Like anything that is subsidized by the government, the cost of a college degree is inflated. That being the case, it can often be difficult or impossible to get an adequate payoff for the investment. The most common example of that scenario is the job of a school teacher. More commonly now we’re seeing situations where not only is the income not enough to support a family, but many are strapped with student loan debt. Add to that the possibility of not even being able to get a job with the degree and you have economic disaster for a family before they even get started. It makes much more sense for a young couple to have a husband with a skill that brings value to the marketplace that has reasonable compensation to go along with it and a wife who is willing to be frugal especially during the early years of starting their family.
I agree. The economic factor is definitely one to consider and discern and maybe even put off college and work if scholarship is not on the table. Or if my daughter is innovative or decides to pursue something other than a college degree to support herself. I'm not opposed to that either.
- You don’t have to prove anything to the world. Often the reason for a girl going to college is the pressure of the society around her, including her parents. The girl who graduates from high school along with her parents gets the endless barrage of questions of “Where are you going to college?” The society is so fixated with the feminist ideal of women having to have a job and provide an income to have worth. So parents and their daughters often beam with pride in announcing what university she will attend. Astonishingly even homeschool parents fall into this folly. Often homeschooling parents feel they have to prove that they have done a good job in educating their children and are validated by them going to college. But the confounding thing is that they went through all this effort to raise and educate their daughters themselves but don’t give their daughters the opportunity to do the same by locking her into a career.
Agreed. I think stay-at-home moms feel they have to prove more by being amazing at the domestic arts! Which I stink at, despite my mother's best efforts! :) But you're right... I don't have to prove anything to anyone, but I do have to strive for holiness and lead my kids to Christ. Isn't that more important than whether I get a paycheck or sew my children's clothing?
- It could be a near occasion of sin for the parents. In our culture many parents feel an unnecessary obligation to pay for the children's college tuition. Of course to aid in that there are a host of financial advisers who can set up college investment savings programs for which the government will grant tax favors. So parents may avoid having more children with contraception, sterilization, or illicit use of NFP to bear this cost. To assume that all of our children will need a college degree is quite a stretch, particularly for girls who will likely be mothers.
Again, can't really debate an argument based on the possibility of occasion of sin.
- She will regret it. The more we talk about this prudent option for girls, the more we have women
who are willing to admit to the regret they possess for having bought into the lie of the dual-career family. A recent comment we received was “Too many of us females were sold a bill of bs in the '60s. How wrong we were. Praying for wisdom for future mothers, fathers and families. JMJ+” We are not surprised that more and more women are coming forward to tell their stories of regret for having by-passed the more meaningful things in life to opt for the approval of feminists who cared nothing more about them than being statistics to reinforce their agenda. All the while they regret neglecting their children and restricting their childbearing to such an extent that they don’t want to even think about it. While we do receive some of our most violent rejection for this position, we receive just as many or more approvals for standing up for what is right and good.
That is quite an assumption. By assuming going to college is a moral wrong -- my own assumption based on the last sentence in your paragraph here - you lock a host of women into a box and discredit her own discernment. Remember, education is also required in most convents! It is necessary in many of the charisms of religious orders. I think you miss two VERY crucial items in this article....
1) The issue for women, you rightly point out, is that women feel forced to choose between career and vocation, but primarily because society makes it so. The work environment does not take account that women tend to be able to get more done than men in the same amount of time because of their ability to multi-task. It does not take into account a woman's need for flexible hours. That should really be something women work towards - to not be treated the same as a man in the workplace, just as you are advocating she not be treated as the same as a man in the home.
2) Perhaps rather than avoid college for women, we direct our daughters AND our sons to discern their vocation, strive for holiness, and discern whether or not college is right for them. We should help them choose a practical, versatile degree with skills that can extend beyond the title on their diploma. We should teach them to be hard-working, charitable, selfless people.
All this is said as an explanation for our position on this issue, not to offend or condemn anyone who finds themselves in any of these situations. But it is said because it is good and true and practicable. It can be done even in our current society. So the intent is for the good of families of the future. We have to humbly give our children the best options and direction even if they don’t conform to the world’s norms and even if we have to humbly admit poor judgment and decisions on our parts.
I appreciate the intent, but whole-heartedly affirm the majority of this article contrary to the dignity of women and openness to the discernment we must all engage in. I simply can't say that this article is "true" because there is little to no objectivity in the logic.
While there may be fewer canonized working women saints, EVERY canonized woman saint is a working woman. Being in the world and not of it, is certainly not conforming to it.
We need saints in all aspects of life and all areas of the world. In college, out of college, at work, at home.
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