I don't know how you do it so gracefully.
My first couple of weeks of being a stay at home mom were pretty good. We (I) made cookies, we (I) made the beds, we (I) did the laundry, we (I) planned our meals, we (I) kept the house cleaned - aside from the toys and mess the kids pulled out right before we had company...
But it is starting to get hard. Because it dawned on me... the we is now I. I do it all at home. I am the only adult in my home until David comes home at night. And even then, it's questionable. Ha, kidding. :P
When I was working, the household chores had to be more shared. Now I'm home and I really don't have any excuses to not keep the house in order. When I was working, I had lots of adult interaction throughout the day. I had conversations that did not consist of the words "poo" or "booboo" or "timeout". At work, people said, "Great job, Noelle." Or... "How can we help you with x,y,z?" Or... "Thank you!" Or... "We're excited about the work you are doing!"
At home I hear... "I need this." "Get me this." "I need a diaper change." "I don't want to." "I don't like you anymore." -- that one, frankly, drives me mad, because I am seriously a likable mom.
Lately, I yearn for the sound of the front door opening and David to walk in so I can toss him a kid and run to the restroom for my first and only opportunity (at least in peace) for about five hours.
I seriously don't understand why there aren't hundreds and hundreds more canonized mothers.
Oh wait, yes, I do....
Because no sees the work you do all day and night. No one sees the constant service of your children and husband on three hours' sleep. Even our most holy and wonderful husbands, I don't think, can grasp what it is to be a nursing mother, home all day, with toddlers. There isn't a crowd applauding when you manage to cook dinner while nursing one kid, playing with the other, and rescuing another kid who has just figured out how to open the deadbolt on the front door and is dashing down the porch steps in his diaper.
No one says, "Thank you, Mom, for getting up five times to nurse me or clean up my vomit."
No one says, "Thank you, Mom, for getting the spaghetti sauce out of my hair and the carpet."
No one sees your service except Christ Himself.
And while that is genuinely all that matters, it's HARD.
I realize too that this is the hardest transition I have ever made in my life - beyond location, beyond job changes, beyond even getting married. It has been the sudden change of way of life. I have had a job outside of the home since college. Over ten years of working, running around like a mad woman, and now... I'm home.
And I'll be honest: It hasn't been very long and I'm starting to seriously get bummed!
I'm basically the least domesticated woman in the world. I can't sew. I specialize in two meals: Tacos and Fajitas. I hate DIY projects if it's the same amount of money to just buy the darn thing or hire someone. Annnnnd...... I don't watch daytime tv. What is there left that I am able to do?!
I've been made to feel guilty for my work outside the home. Working women are made to seem that they prioritize work over family or that their husbands are somehow weak. Stay at home moms are made to feel less smart, more insecure in comparison to the career woman. In either case, I'm sure there are true stereotypes, but for a woman it's darn if you do and darn if you don't, really.
Women are passionate. Whether we choose to work or we choose to stay home, we need an outlet for our passions! We need an outlet for our emotions. We need community and adult interaction. When it comes down to it, we want to feel valued and appreciated no matter the path we choose in our lives.
While God has not called me at this point to work full time, I am devoting more time to my speaking and music ministry, blogging ministry, and teaching music lessons at home. I love doing these things and I know that I have gifts that God is using in those areas. I want to be a good steward of those gifts, and a faithful servant. God has called me to be more present to my family. They need me more than anyone else needs me right now.
When I die, I'm not going to say, "Lord, look at how many conferences I spoke at" or "Look how many songs I wrote for You" or "Look how many events I organized in Your Name!"
I'm going to say Lord, when You were naked, I clothed You. (Even when You threw off Your clothes ten seconds later.)
Lord, when You were hungry, I fed You. (All through the night, every 2-4 hours)
Lord, when You were sick, I tended to You. (And washed Your sheets and teddy bears, too)
Lord, when You were mourning, I comforted You. (Even when I had to take You out of Church to do so).
Lord, I loved You, I gave myself to You and for You. Through my husband and children, I did these things, and I did everything I could to help them become saints.
And I won't be canonized, because no one saw those things. But my salvation is being worked through my vocation. And this heavy cross I carry now, I know will get easier as I learn to surrender it, and embrace my mission as servant, wife, and mother.
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