1) My Kids.
I love them so much and still cannot say with total conviction that they belong to God and are not my own. It is the hardest thing in the world to let go of my worries about my kids... that they could get sick or hurt or whatever scenario my crazy imagination devises.
My three month old sleeps thirty minutes longer than normal and I'm right there, ear to his mouth, hand on his chest just to make sure he's still breathing.
Better safe than sorry?
Praying to relinquish my control over them and truly know that God loves them infinitely more than I do is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
What if they grow up and they hate Church? God? Me? What if they become vegan hipster? What if they aren't kind, compassionate people?
What if they like death metal music?
What if they are selfish jerks who don't put me in a decent nursing home one day?
I pray for them every single day, that they will be generous, amazing, wonderful, holy people. I realize though, that they are a big part of my life that I don't want to trust the Lord with entirely. It's like I want Him to co-pilot with me. That'd be good. I want to say just consult me before making any big decision, ok?
He knows better.... and.... pray for me. :)
I have been trying to pray more lately... "Lord, thank You for these beautiful children You have entrusted to me. Help me raise them to be holy!"
My children are a gift from a great Giver.
2) My Finances.
I pay most of the bills in my household. This is why I'm insane.
To surrender my finances to the Lord involves trusting in His provision for us and that is incredibly difficult. When I have finished a bill-paying session, I usually go on a no spending rampage.
It's also a blessing that I live forty-five minutes from the nearest Target.
I think this is why the Bible says the rich man has such a dang hard time getting to Heaven...not having the need to beg God for anything. Not needing God. It's true that when things seem to be going well, I pray in thanksgiving, but when things are harder, I pray with a fervor and passion that unfortunately I often neglect in times of joy.
I have been on my knees begging for God's provision this entire year pretty much -- with my husband getting a pay cut (Seriously, Church... working for you IS a pay cut)...and the huge cross-country move we made, trusting that when we got here, I'd be able to find clients to teach music lessons to in order to help supplement our income so we can get out of debt!
We're not desperate or homeless or anything like that - I don't mean this to sound dramatic. It's just since the move and not knowing where we will live next year -- buying or renting -- I am out of my financial comfort zone.
We have transitioned our speaking/music ministry to donations based, aside from having travel covered, so I am learning little by little that to surrender means freedom. Freedom from worry. Freedom from figuring out all the numbers and making myself unavailable to a group that I may be called to minister to but who maybe can't afford to pay us. Who am I to set a price on the Gospel? Yes, it is part of our livelihood, and not everyone is called to this type of ministry, but we have prayed and prayed and this is what God has led us to and it's been unbelievably amazing what God is doing.
Little things out of the blue... someone sends us a check, a paycheck was a little higher than we thought after taxes, got a few new students.... family sends clothes for the kids... it's so beautiful.
It is also incredibly humbling.
I find when I am sacrificially generous, God rewards a thousand fold. He REALLY does. I just wish it was easier for me to trust Him. I don't know how many times the Lord has to show me He is in control for me to relax!
When we went to film EWTN's Life on the Rock, our drummer, Jim, felt called to go with us, but the show was only able to pay for two plane tickets. We prayed about it and decided that if God was telling Jim he needed to go, then we would pay for his flight. When we returned... a few days after being home, I led a Holy Hour with the school kids at the parish I used to work for and immediately after, a woman came up to me and handed me a check. She said she saw us on Life on the Rock and wanted to support our ministry. I didn't look at the check until I got in my car.
It was three dollars over the price of the flight.
INCREDIBLE! WOW! God is great! I still get goosebumps!
So, with all these things... I just challenge myself to stop standing in the boat and asking...
What's the temperature of the water? Are there any dangerous fish? How deep is it? How far do You want me to walk? What should I wear?
Stop asking so many questions!
And just walk. Walk on water.
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